


HORIZON

by melodycanta



Series: Independence [2]
Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Canon Divergence, Independence Universe, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-03-09 10:57:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 40,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18915559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodycanta/pseuds/melodycanta
Summary: Graduating from Saotome Academy was hard enough, but Otoya quickly learns that the Masters Course is harder, particularly with a group of six strangers who are still learning to be friends.  Still, he's determined to chart his way towards a bright future.Companion piece to Independence.





	1. A Map to the Future

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lana_Fair](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lana_Fair/gifts).



> Hi, here's a fic no one asked for; call me the JK Rowling of the fandom. I'm a little hesitant to step back into this universe, but I ended up being really glad that I did. I didn't tell anyone I was working on this, so it's been my little secret for a few months now. I won't be upset if you'd rather not read this, and leave Independence as a standalone fic; whatever makes you happy is fine by me! But, if you were interested in Otoya's side of the story, here's a bit of a glance at it.
> 
> This isn't necessarily a "complete" fic; I could have written about twice the length I did because Otoya has significant interactions with all of the cast (unlike Tokiya, who was pretty awkward until the end of Independence). Instead, consider this to be extra scenes from a different perspective. I think there's going to be some upset over things that get minimized or glossed over, but really, this could have been about 100k words and a daily diary for Otoya . . . 
> 
> Also, a quick, salient reminder that comments comparing this fic to the previous one aren't compliments. They both have a really special place in my heart, so I hope you enjoy.
> 
> This is dedicated to Lana, who helped me through the worst parts of the minor fame I hit with Independence and talked me through the death threats and harassments to the point that I finally feel okay returning to this universe. I'll always be grateful. Happy birthday!
> 
> Double chapter update to start off with, since Lana read the first part of the first chapter like . . . nine months ago, and it would make a pretty lousy birthday gift if she just got something she's already read. I'll keep up a semi-regular posting schedule, much like I did for Independence; probably updates every 3 - 5 days unless I forget.

Tokiya says, “I’m HAYATO,” and the world stops spinning.

It doesn’t take Otoya by surprise like it probably should; it’s not like he hasn’t had his suspicions.  Tokiya is good at hiding things, but there are only so many jobs that he can have after classes, plus there’s always a weird abundance of purple glitter on their carpet, so either Tokiya was hiding a side gig as a stripper or he was lying about HAYATO. 

There is so much pain in Tokiya’s eyes as he says it though, and it makes Otoya’s stomach churn.  He wouldn’t consider he and Tokiya close—they’re roommates, but they don’t spend much time with each other—but he had thought that if things were really that bad for him, he would have said something.  There’s also the traitorous thought that asks him whether he actually knows Tokiya at all.  What does he really know about the man after almost an entire year of living with him?  He’s got very little family interaction (he has met Tokiya’s mother once, and although her entire visit seemed awkward, she was kind), he eats healthy like it’s a compulsion, and . . . what?  He has an incredible voice?  He’s always held Otoya at arm’s length. 

Otoya looks at Tokiya and realizes he doesn’t recognize the man in front of him.

He swallows down the acid that rises in his throat and ignores his own emotions.  He’s good at that, right?  He’s been doing it for as long as he can remember, keeping peace at the orphanage.  They’re all stressed and angry, and none of them are thinking clearly.  Attacking Tokiya for the million things they technically have a right to be upset about (Otoya has to remind himself to breathe again) isn’t helpful.  They don’t have time for this, not if they’re going to get a piece together in time to debut.  “We’re just all here to sing, right?  It doesn’t matter if he was HAYATO; he’s here now.”

Tokiya’s gaze turns hopeful as he looks at him, and Otoya forgets to breathe, just for a second.  That’s probably the first time he’s seen Tokiya look at him with his brows not knitted together in irritation.  There’s already something different about him, and Otoya doesn’t know what it is.  He’s kind of a sucker for punishment when it comes to trusting people too many times, but something tells him that Tokiya isn’t going to let him down for this.  Maybe he’s wrong, and the old Tokiya just seemed so put-together and trustworthy that it’s bleeding over into now, but the feeling is strong enough that he overrides his brain.

He glances at Haruka, who is smiling at him warmly.  He knows she’s fond of Tokiya, and he trusts her judgment.  There’s a reason she chose to include Tokiya in this group too, and it’s not just because he has the voice of some divine creature.

The others, on the other hand, look like they’re going to be harder to convince.  Syo’s brows are halfway in his hat as he stares at Otoya indignantly.  “You’re just going to let this slide?!”

Otoya blinks.  “Let _what_ slide?”

Ren snorts.  “This is our only chance.  He’s already shown he doesn’t care.  Why should we let him drag us down?”

Sure, their practices have been a little disastrous without Tokiya there, but he wouldn’t say that’s been dragging them down.  Masato seems to have the same idea, because he gives a matching snort.  “Don’t exaggerate, Jinguji.  I don’t think Ichinose-san’s absence has been the entire problem.”  He looks at Tokiya evenly.  “And you’re going to dedicate all of your time to . . . whatever this group is?”

They really need a name, Otoya thinks as he sees Masato make a general hand movement towards all of them. 

“Yes.  I have retired from being HAYATO.  As of today . . . I am Tokiya Ichinose.”  There’s a waver in his voice that Otoya doesn’t expect. 

“Then Otoya-kun’s right!” Natsuki exclaims.  “He’s not HAYATO anymore, he’s just Tokiya-kun!”

It’s kind of funny how the A Class has rallied around Tokiya, but his own classmates keep staring at him like he’s personally insulted them.  Luckily, Haruka steps in then, looking between Syo and Ren pleadingly.  “Just give him one more chance,” she begs.

She’s probably got the best chance of all of them to succeed with just begging, but when it doesn’t seem to make either of them budge, Otoya takes a deep breath.  He knows how hard Tokiya works, and he’s making a gamble here, but he has a feeling that he’s right.  “Why don’t we all try singing together?” he suggests.  “Just one time through Mirai Chizu?  You can sing okay, right?” he asks Tokiya.

Tokiya nods.

Ren and Syo stare at him, but after a moment, Syo sighs.  “Fine, fine.  Let’s try it one time.”

Ren is outnumbered, and he’s got Masato staring at him too, so he gives in after another minute of subbornness.

It only takes a moment to get set up with their music stands in a circle, and when they start, Tokiya’s voice winds beautifully with theirs, just as Otoya had predicted.  It sounds so much better than it had with just the five of them.  It sounds less empty, somehow, like Tokiya is the dominant seventh in the chord.  His voice completes their sound. 

Otoya glances over at him as they sing the last part of the final chorus together.  Tokiya’s expression is gentle, and Otoya hopes that his voice is infused with every bit of hope he feels right now.  Maybe he doesn’t know Tokiya yet, but he wants to.  He wants to feel like he knows Tokiya just as well as any of the others standing in their circle. 

They’re writing their map to the future, and Otoya wants to make sure Tokiya is written in his.


	2. Maji Love 1000%

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The changes are starting, and it's hard not to feel like a fish out of water.

Three things happen pretty much at once.  First, they debut, and it’s _incredible_.  Otoya loves singing and dancing in general, but the amount of energy during a live performance is unparalleled.  It’s not only the bond with the audience, but the bond he feels with his bandmates too that makes the elation go straight to his head.  He catches Tokiya’s eye as they dance through the bridge.  His roommate actually looks like he might be enjoying himself.  There’s an expression that crosses his face that only happens when he sings, like he’s in some sort of rapture. 

Otoya winks at him, an unspoken message between the two of them.  “I feel you,” Otoya wants to say.  “I’m with you.”

He executes a turn, threading between Masato and Natsuki, so he can’t see if there’s a reply, but he hopes Tokiya at least received it.

Secondly, they enroll in the Masters Course at the Shining Agency.  Otoya wishes now that he was a better student during his time at Saotome Academy, because now that they’re actual idols, he feels like he _might_ be a little out of his element.  There’s so much to remember, and so much to think about whenever they go out in public that he can feel his head spin.  No wonder Tokiya was so grumpy as HAYATO; watching your every step at every moment is daunting.  It’s an agreement for two years, but it’s an investment, as Masato says when he pitches it to them. 

Otoya can’t argue that; he’s not really the type to plan ahead, so if Masato says it’s a good idea, it’s probably a good idea.

Finally, Reiji Kotobuki becomes his and Tokiya’s mentor, and it’s definitely a new experience.  The other mentors are reserved and aloof (Kurosaki-sempai in particular seems to like to shout, but Ren just clicks his tongue and says there’s a little more history there than they have with everyone else).  Reiji is . . . not.  At all.  From the first minute they meet where he insists they call him Rei-chan to making breakfast for them and pulling little stunts to see how well they’re bonding, it almost feels like he’s trying to be a big brother to them.  Tokiya is so adamantly against that kind of familiarity, but Otoya can’t say he minds it.  The idol world is scary, and he has a tendency to screw things up.  Having a friendly face—particularly one who grew up in the industry as a child star—is invaluable. 

Besides, he _likes_ Reiji.  Reiji always has a smile on his face and doesn’t mind Otoya’s ten million questions.  Even better, Reiji doesn’t mind how prickly Tokiya is to him.  Whatever Tokiya does to get distance, Reiji retaliates ten times harder, and that’s a relief because Otoya doesn’t want him to pull away, but he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to try to bring Tokiya into things, and he doesn’t want to break the fragile peace they have. Ever since they sang Mirai Chizu that day, things have been muted.  Tokiya still complains, but the devastating one-liners that Otoya used to have to paste on a smile for are gone, replaced with silence, and he’s not sure that’s for the better.

“Tell me about Tokki,” Reiji says one day.  They’re having lunch, just the two of them, and Otoya takes a bite of his tonkatsu before he replies. 

“I . . . don’t know what you want me to tell you. I’m not sure I know much more than you do.” It kind of hurts to admit out loud, actually.

“You guys were roommates for a year! We’ve only been roommates for three weeks, Otoyan.”

It takes him a moment to remember that Reiji isn’t joking.  Anyone would think that having a roommate for a year would mean he would know things—and he supposes he does—but all he knows about Tokiya are his preferences on how to keep a room clean.  There are moments that he learned other things, of course, but those are the observations he made in Tokiya’s lowest moments that he’s not sure he should share.  For instance, he knows that Tokiya will curl up in a ball and hug his pillow when he’s particularly miserable and can’t sleep.  He knows that Tokiya is estranged with his father because he came home to a heated conversation Tokiya was having with his mother over the phone once (he waited outside of the door for that to be over and pretended he hadn’t heard it).  He also knows that Tokiya will compulsively clean anything and everything when he’s stressed, and the fact that their room still looks like it has someone living in it is a good sign.  In fact, he’s not sure that he’s seen Tokiya clean anything with that sort of desperation since their debut, and it makes him happy.

“We lived together, yeah.  But . . . Tokiya’s not really one for talking, as you’ve seen, and he was really busy last year with classes and being HAYATO.”

Reiji raises an eyebrow.  “You talk like you’re strangers.”

The thought has occurred to him before, but hearing it out loud is kind of like a kick in the ribs.  He and Tokiya ARE strangers, for all intents and purposes.  Tokiya finds him obnoxious and annoying and pushes him away at every turn.  “We’re just going to have to get to know each other is all,” he says around the lump in his throat.  His appetite is suddenly gone, and he pushes his bento away from him.

Reiji’s smile turns softer, more reassuring.  “We can all get to know each other.  Don’t worry,” he says.  “I can tell, Otoyan, you have a talent for getting people to open up to you.  It’ll serve you well in your group.”

“Is tonkatsu not your thing or not my thing?”  Otoya’s been so absorbed in their conversation that he jumps when Reiji’s mother comes to clean their table.  She’s a wonderful woman—it’s obvious she loves Reiji very much—and she’s definitely tried to get to know Otoya and Tokiya a little bit since they first started coming to Kotobuki Bento.  Sometimes, she’ll sit at the table with them when they come in after the lunch rush, but they have afternoon practice today, so they came in right during it.

Otoya looks down at his half-eaten meal.  “It was good!” he insists.  “I’m just . . . not that hungry.  Sorry.”

“What’s your favorite?  I’ll make that the next time you come in.  Chef’s special.”  She winks, and Otoya can see the family resemblance.

“What _is_ your favorite, Otoyan?” Reiji leans over the table.

“Um . . . I like curry rice,” he admits.  He’s a bit flustered to have both of them so focused on this answer, and he almost wishes he had something more impressive as a favorite, or at least healthy so that they could nod and commend him for being so mature, but . . . it’s not, and he’s not going to lie to them.

Reiji looks surprised, but his mother quickly claps her hands together.  “I have just the recipe. I’ll be sure to make it for you the next time you come in, alright?  Hopefully you’ll like it better than the tonkatsu.”  She quickly swipes the bentos off the table and walks away before Otoya can protest.

“I really did like the tonkatsu!” he says to Reiji.

His mentor waves him off.  “She won’t take it personally. She prefers cooking karaage anyways.  Tonkatsu splatters more.”

Otoya wouldn’t have a clue—personally, he doesn’t cook anything that takes more than ten minutes of prep time—but Reiji sounds like he’s speaking from experience, so he lets it go.  They gather up their belongings and get ready to leave when Reiji suddenly turns to Otoya.  “Let’s do our best to be one unit, okay?  Me, you, and Tokki.”

Otoya only hesitates for a second before he nods.  “Of course!”


	3. NorthWind and SunShine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One step forward, two steps back. The dance continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick update this time; I'll make you wait longer for the next one but I was feeling generous since I get my first day off in like . . . eight weeks on Monday. It feels like I'll have so much time, but I'll almost guarantee I'll waste it . . . 
> 
> Not many chapter notes this time! I was too lazy to go back and watch through the anime to see how Camus uses his ice powers, so I'm just assuming they work like Mitsuru's executions in Persona 3 (we're already off the rails of canon anyways, so I feel comfortable making this change; if it conflicts with canon, just remember, AU).
> 
> The second half of this is subtle, since being on the receiving end of a concussion sucks, but that's after the Agnadance chapter of Independence.

When Cecil joins STARISH, Otoya realizes they’re in for some _very_ long nights.  Their practices already extend into the evening, but they’re all on the same page together.  They all attended Saotome Academy (although Syo and Tokiya both refute that, because apparently saying that Ren ‘attended’ the academy with the number of classes he was actually there for is considered generous), so they all have the same base knowledge.  Cecil is . . . not the same.  He has enthusiasm, but he also has some questionable habits, and trying to get him up to speed is stressful.  He’s been assigned Camus as a mentor, which culminates in a lot of spats among the nobility that have them watching like it’s a tennis match, their heads swiveling back and forth between speakers. 

“He’s scary,” Otoya can’t help commenting under his breath to Tokiya as they watch another argument unfold between the baron and the prince.

“I suppose that energy from the extra sugar in his tea has to go somewhere,” is the reply.

Otoya can’t help the skeptical look on his face.  “That’s where you think it goes?”

“It was a joke.”

The water bottle in Otoya’s hands slips out in his surprise, but the noise it makes as it clatters to the floor doesn’t interrupt the quarrelling.  “You can do that?” he says before realizing how stupid that sounds.  Tokiya Ichinose might be the walking personification of perfection, but he’s still a human being, and all human beings are capable of joking, right? 

He supposes he deserves the eye roll he receives in response.

“2000 yen on Baron turning Cesshi to ice,” Ren says, holding out Syo’s hat for wagers.  There’s already a few crumpled notes in there, so someone’s in.

“This is ridiculous, Jinguji,” Masato says from Ren’s left.

“Turning him to _ice_?” Otoya asks, unsure if this is a new phrase for something that he hasn’t heard of, or whether Camus is going to throw Cecil in a freezer (which, shouldn’t they intervene then?  They have work to do . . .).

“Literally,” Tokiya murmurs to him.  “You guys were at dance practice when he did it last time, but . . . I don’t understand how he does it.”

“It’s _magic_ , Icchi!”

Honestly, that withering glare Tokiya gives in response to anything he thinks is foolish could be patented, and Ren seems to think so too, because he chuckles and says, “oh, what a charm point.”

“Who’s in?” Tokiya asks.

“Shorty.  He missed it yesterday, and told me to my face that the idea was absurd!” The fake hurt in Ren’s voice is almost over the top, particularly because he can’t keep his lips from curling.  “So, I’ll be more than happy to take his 2000 yen.”

“I’m not taking that bet,” Tokiya says, keeping his wallet in his pocket.

“Ikki?”

If Tokiya is passing, there’s no way Otoya is taking it, especially since he has no idea what they mean by turning Cecil to ice still.  He shakes his head, and Ren turns back to Masato.  “Just you and me now, Hijirikawa.”

The way they stare knives at each other is almost as combatative as Cecil and Camus in front of them, but eventually, Masato sighs and digs his wallet from his back pocket.  “What you’re saying is a scientific impossibility.  There is no logical way it can happen.”

When the two notes are dropped in, Ren hands it to him so that he can dig out his own wallet.  “And I’m in for Cesshi turning into an ice cube.  Icchi, if you would so kindly be the holder?”

Tokiya gets passed the hat, and now the six of them watch the argument unfold.  Otoya’s lost track of what it even started about, but Camus’s entire face is flushed red, and Cecil looks like he might attack him at any second.

It happens almost without warning.  Cecil is halfway through saying that Camus isn’t real nobility when there’s a flash of white light, and Cecil is frozen like he’s some gigantic ice stalagmite.  How it happened, Otoya has _zero_ idea, and he can hear both Masato and Syo stuttering about how impossible it is while Ren chuckles.  “4000 yen richer.  Thank _you_ ,” he says, plucking the hat out of Tokiya’s hands.

And then Camus turns to them, and it’s like the room has dropped ten degrees.  “Why are you all wasting time?” he asks, and they scatter, because none of them want to be joining their new bandmate. 

“ _How_?” Otoya asks, as he and Tokiya retreat to the locker room.

“It can’t be magic,” Tokiya mutters to himself.

Otoya turns to him.  “But what if it is?!  What if all of our mentors have magic powers?  What about Rei-chan?”

“Making karaage at midnight is not a magic power,” Tokiya says with a chuckle. 

Otoya barely manages to keep himself from pointing out that Tokiya is joking for a second time.  Instead, he laughs, and contemplates this new Tokiya, who seems like a different person entirely next to him. 

It’s not an unwelcome change, he thinks, as long as it’s what Tokiya himself wants.  And when Tokiya nudges his arm, possibly in a warning to keep moving away from the ice devil that is Cecil’s mentor, he realizes that he hopes it is what Tokiya wants.

 

The next few weeks pass in a blur, and Otoya wishes that was more of a figure of speech than it is.  His memories end abruptly a week later, when he remembers joking around with Tokiya, and then everything goes fuzzy.  He has flashes of rememberance—a hospital room, sleeping in their living room, a dream of being held by Tokiya which he attributes to waking up with Tokiya’s blankets bundling him up—but they’re interspersed with obvious blank spaces.  He can’t remember any of the choreography from the days after that, not that he was allowed to practice it.  Masato tells him his balance was off and he complained of nausea, so he spent most of practice sitting against the wall. 

Today is a good day though.  He has most of his memory; he remembers eating the breakfast Reiji made and the dog hanging out on the sidewalk when he walked to practice alone.  He’s still not cleared, so he’s watching the others attempt to learn their new dance.  Cecil is struggling the most, but it’s not by much.  They look like a bunch of dancing bears. Syo is trying to help Masato, which is a good move because Masato mentors Natsuki well.  Tokiya, Ren, and Cecil are all tottering around together, and Natsuki is off in his own world.   By the time they take a break for water, they don’t really look any better either.

Cecil sits down next to him, and his natural grace when he’s not dancing is . . . incredible.  It’s amazing how light he seems on his feet, almost catlike, how ethereal his image is.  It’s not hard to imagine him as the foreign prince he claims to be, with those high cheekbones and arching brows. “This is very hard,” he says in his clumsy Japanese.

“You’ll get used to it!  It’s really hard at first; just look at how Tokiya’s doing!  And by the time we perform, he’ll be perfect!”

Cecil’s head tilts to the left.  “Mmmmm, yes, he is not good.”

Otoya can’t help but chuckle at the mistake.  “I think you mean ‘not bad’.”

Cecil contemplates it for another moment.  “No, I meant what I said.”

Otoya chokes back a laugh.

“But he is very good at singing.  I guess we all have our talents.”  Cecil’s gaze falls upon Natsuki, stretching out on the floor.  “Perhaps that is what will make us a successful group in the future!”  He smiles widely, only brightening when Otoya agrees with him. 

“Hey!  Sorry to interrupt!”  Despite his words, Syo plops himself down on the floor in front of them.  “How’s it looking?”

“It’s starting to come together . . .” Otoya lies, but he can’t quite keep the expression off his face, and Syo sighs.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.  We’re all off today; I can’t wait until you’re back.” 

“I’m getting checked out by the medic later, so fingers crossed.”

There’s something on Syo’s mind that he isn’t saying, and Otoya waits as he mulls through it.  “Is it just me or is there something up with Tokiya?” he finally asks.

He’s been really off the last few days, Otoya admits, or at least from what he can remember.  It’s like he’s the old Tokiya, but not.  There’s a weird vulnerability that lies in his eyes, like he feels guilty, although Otoya has no idea about what.  He barely acknowledges Otoya aside from being polite when he enters a room, although he swiftly departs afterwards.  The relaxed chats are gone.  Instead, he acts as if Otoya’s presence is unbearable, which hurts more than he’d like to admit.  He’d thought he and Tokiya were creating a real friendship, but apparently that was one-sided.  “He’s probably just stressed.  He’s picking up my work too,” he finally says, having to swallow down a lump in his throat.

The look that Syo gives him is disbelieving, and then morphs into something akin to disappointment.  “I thought if anyone knew, it would be you,” he says, and even though it doesn’t have any venom to it, the words still sting. 

The dance instructor rounds them all up to start again, and Otoya can’t help his gaze from falling on Tokiya.  Reiji thought he had a talent for getting people to open up, so maybe he should use it.  He’s given Tokiya space and time, and maybe now’s perfect for a little bit of bonding.  Maybe he’s just too shy to strike up the conversation between them again.

Otoya plans it out.  He’ll ask Tokiya after practice if he wants to take a walk to cool down and maybe pick his brain a little bit.  Maybe Tokiya told him what the issue was and he just couldn’t remember it thanks to the memory issues.  And as he watches them dance in front of him, as their erratic movements smooth out and become synchronized, he starts to feel good about it.  It’s surely just some misunderstanding.  He might not be able to help out STARISH like normal, but at least he can help them out like this.

Practice ends, and he shuffles towards Tokiya.  “Good job today!” he says, pasting on the biggest smile he can.  “Wanna—”

His breath catches in his throat as Tokiya’s gaze turns towards him, and all of those negative emotions amplify.  It’s fear and guilt and something so incredibly desperate that a shock jolts through him.  His mouth goes dry and his mind suddenly goes blank because this is such a vulnerable state for Tokiya.  Something ugly rises up in Otoya’s chest then, something protective and redhot and stomach acid rises up in his throat because _he’s the thing that is causing it_.  There’s no doubt in his mind now that there’s something seriously wrong that he needs to fix, but he doesn’t know _how_ to fix because he doesn’t know what he’s _done_. 

“I’m busy,” Tokiya mutters, looking away. 

The spell has been broken, and as Otoya watches him scurry away, it feels like a bucket of ice water has been dumped on him.  _“I can tell, Otoyan, you have a talent for getting people to open up to you,”_ he can hear Reiji say, and Otoya wishes he were right.


	4. Hyper x Super x Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiji asks for a favor, and Otoya can't quite say no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up that there will be a long pause between this chapter and the next, because I'll be publishing a oneshot on Saturday. I didn't have to compete with my own posting schedule when I was publishing Independence . . . but I'll try not to make the pause too long, particularly because by the end of this chapter, some of you are going to guess what's going to happen the next chapter, and you're absolutely right; it's THAT chapter.

If Otoya felt bad before, being cleared for work and having to catch up on the last week’s work doesn’t help.  He’s never been particularly quick to pick anything up, and since everyone else has a headstart . . . well, he feels more behind than before.  And with Tokiya still avoiding him whenever he can and not being able to even touch the subject without feeling ice creep down his spine, he feels helpless.

Still, the others are counting on him, so he pastes on his trademark smile and pretends there’s nothing wrong.  If Tokiya can do it, so can he, so he buries himself in work and ignores the sinking feeling in his gut that tells him that he’s destroying STARISH. 

“I’m taking you both to a theme park this weekend.  You’ve earned it; it’s time for us all to take some time off!” Reiji announces one day during lunch with him and Tokiya, and it’s unexpected enough that both he and Tokiya look at their mentor with varying degrees of skepticism.

“Are you sure?” Otoya asks.  He still has choreography to memorize and songs to learn and photoshoots to prepare for and it’s enough to make his head spin.

Reiji seems undeterred.  “Of course!”

“I have a script to memorize,” Tokiya says.  His eyes don’t meet Otoya’s, which he’s relieved for.

Reiji shoots him a glance, like a prompt, and it’s obvious that if he doesn’t say something, it’ll seem weird.  “We can help you memorize it on the way there!” he says, sounding more excited than he feels.  “Like, after every ride, we’ll quiz you!”

“That’s a great idea, Otoyan!”

Annoyance, anger, and a quick note of exasperation flit across Tokiya’s face. “Fine,” he grumbles.

Otoya cheers with Reiji because he knows it’s expected and pretends he hasn’t lost his appetite completely.

“Oh, Otoyan!  I have a favor to ask of you!  Consider this how you can pay me back for the theme park!”  Reiji clasps his hands in front of his face in a prayer position, looking at Otoya with a pleading expression.  “I have a track I need you to help me with on vocals.”

“Me?” Otoya’s spoon clatters against his plate as he loses his grip. “For a vocal track?  Why not Tokiya-kun?”

“It’s got your kind of feel!  You’d be perfect on it.  Come on, help me out?”

“Um . . .” This is Reiji at his worst; Otoya recognizes this from when Tokiya is being stubborn.  There’s no reason to argue.  “Yeah, if you’re sure.”

Reiji gives a loud whoop, and Tokiya chides him for being loud, but Otoya barely hears either of them.  They’re drowned out by the roaring of his heartbeat in his ears. 

 

Otoya has never thrown up because of nerves, but there’s a first time for everything apparently, because he’s currently hunched over the porcelain, retching up the remains of the single piece of toast he’d struggled down just a few minutes ago.  The acid burns his throat, making tears stream down his face as he coughs.  He’s a mess, and he’s never felt worse in his life, but he can’t back out now.  Reiji’s already had one partner back out on him; Otoya isn’t going to put him in that position.

All of his limbs are shaking like he’s cold, but his face feels too warm, and for a moment he wonders if he’s seriously ill.  There’s a part of him that wants to be, because Reiji won’t make him sing if he is.  It’s not that he doesn’t like the song or singing with Reiji, because he loves both.  It’s the idea that this is _him_.  It’s not STARISH, it’s Otoya Ittoki, and for some reason, that idea scares him more than anything.

A knock on the door makes him raise his head.  “We need to leave in ten,” is Tokiya’s curt warning, and then he can hear the footsteps trail away. 

Ten minutes.  He needs to pull himself together in ten minutes.  It takes him a moment, but he eventually manages to rise to his feet.  Reiji is counting on him, he tells himself as he scrubs his face clean and brushes his teeth.  His stomach lurches, but settles a second later, and he takes a deep breath to center himself.  Reiji is counting on him.

His mentor’s gaze briefly alights on the wet spot on the front of Otoya’s shirt when he departs the bathroom, but he doesn’t say anything about it.  “You should be excited!  My little kouhai is growing up!  I’m so proud!” he says instead, throwing an arm around Otoya’s shoulder as they exit the front door.

“Calm down,” Tokiya says sharply. 

Otoya can’t help that the deep breath he takes shakes in his throat.  “Right.  I can do this,” he says, as if to talk himself up.  It doesn’t help.

The walk to the recording studio is mostly Reiji chattering excitedly, telling him what to expect when they arrive.  He’s the only one of the three who hasn’t really done this; he did when they recorded Maji LOVE 1000% after their debut, but that was in a group.  He shared a microphone with Tokiya, who knew what he was doing and gave him tips when he noticed something amiss.  The Tokiya walking with them now seems more likely to start singing the Doraemon theme song at the top of his lungs than give Otoya advice.  In fact, he’s not entirely sure why Tokiya is with them right now. 

The recording booth is already filled when they get there.  The sound tech is unsurprising, but he wasn’t expecting to see Haruka or Tomochika, who both beam at him when they walk in.  “I had a feeling that you’d be nervous,” Haruka explains, giving him a reassuring smile.  “I thought it might put you at ease to have people supporting you in here.”

It does make him feel a little better.  Haruka has been a staple of his music ever since they entered the academy together.  He can’t imagine making music without her; it’s reassuring to have her there. 

“You’re shaking!” Tomochika says to him, grabbing his hand.  “It’s gonna be okay!  You’re gonna get in there and kill it, so don’t you even worry!”

“I’ll try,” he says, but his laugh sounds weak.

“Come on, Otoyan!  Time for sound check!”

His throat feels tight as he matches Reiji’s tuning note.  He knows how to resolve that—using more air, taking a deep inhale to loosen up, stretching to force his diaphragm to open up—but he can’t force himself to do it.  It’s like his mind is hyperfocused on one thing, and that one thing is just making sure he breathes enough to stay alive.  There’s only vague recognition that they’ve moved on until Reiji is counting off, and then the panic floods into his lungs.

He can’t do this.  He can’t do this at all.

His voice cracks, pain lancing through his throat and making him cough.  He can’t do this, he was stupid for thinking he could; he knows he’s spiraling but he can’t stop it. 

“Otoyan!” Reiji says, and Otoya’s eyes fill with tears because he’s letting Reiji down. 

The intercom crackles, and Tomochika’s voice comes on a second later.  “There’s no need to be nervous, Otoya-kun!  I know it’s scary in there on your own, but you’ve got Kotobuki-san there to back you up, right?  Just pretend you’re singing together at home!”

“We’re all in here cheering for you!” Haruka says.  “Don’t think about them, think about singing to us!”

“Take a deep breath.  You can do it.”

Otoya wasn’t expecting to hear Tokiya at all, and he looks up towards the recording booth, his eyes searching for Tokiya.  He’s looking down at them, and when their eyes meet, he gives the barest smile and a nod.

All of Otoya’s thoughts exit his mind.   “Do you really think so?” he asks.  There’s something in him that needs Tokiya to mean his words, something in his chest that is yearning for approval.

“If you sing it like you did yesterday, yeah.  Lots of air.” Tokiya steps back after another nod.  His words were mild, but a warmth spreads through Otoya.  Maybe it’s because it’s the first time Tokiya has encouraged him since things went wrong between them.  He can almost feel the hand Tokiya has offered towards him, a symbolic promise.  _‘You are not alone_ ’, it says.

He makes it through the entire second take.  He’s still nervous, but he’s not afraid any longer.  Tokiya thinks he can do it, and if Tokiya thinks so, then there’s no doubt that he can. 

“One last one?  For good luck?  No pressure, of course!  We’re already done; let’s have fun!” Reiji says, and they do their final take.  He’s right; there’s no pressure.  The tension loosens from Otoya’s shoulders as they sing and dance through it.  It feels _good_.  It feels _so_ good, like the first time he played a song on his guitar.  Reiji gives him a high five when they finish, and Otoya can’t believe they did it.  They actually did it.

He can feel Reiji smile from ear to ear beside him as they walk back to the recording booth, and the faces that greet them are equally excited.  Tomochika immediately throws herself at him hard enough to knock the wind out of him.

“That was amazing!” Haruka says.

“Nerves are no match for us!” Reiji announces.  He’s preening, mussing Otoya’s hair with his hand.    

“You did good,” Tokiya says. 

There’s no animosity there, no fear, nothing.  Even though they’ve had no contact for weeks now, even though Tokiya’s been terrified of him, that’s just all gone.  Tokiya was there when Otoya needed him most, needed his words and his kindness, and that’s enough.  He might not understand really any of what happened, but he does understand that it feels like water under the bridge now.  “Really?” he asks, just to make sure.

Tokiya’s eyebrows shoot up into his hairline, but when they return, there’s the hint of an amused smile.  “Really.”

His own smile feels like it’s threatening to split his face in two, but even if it did, Otoya thinks it would be worth it, as long as he could stay in this moment—happy with some of his favorite people around him, proud of his work and his achievements—forever.


	5. Trust My Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shining Kingdom brings new experiences, some Otoya couldn't ever dream of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm feeling generous, so have a new chapter!

Hyper x Super x Lover was incredible to record, but Otoya had severely underestimated Reiji’s star power and how big the single would hit.  It drops on Tuesday, and by Wednesday, it’s everywhere.  It’s on the radio, it’s people’s ringtones, and it’s even playing in Tower Records when he, Natsuki, and Masato go to buy a copy only to find it’s sold out.  He and Reiji are plastered on billboards, two smiling faces looking over the skyline of Tokyo.  It’s . . . incredible.  Otoya can’t believe that this is what being an idol is all about.

To accompany the release, TRUST MY DREAM comes out on Friday.  It’s a collaboration with the rest of STARISH, showcasing their achievements during Saotome Academy.  It’s not the best of his talents, but he’s improved a lot, and he’s glad to be able to show that off.  Everyone starts somewhere.

Their treat is a trip to the theme park.  Reiji had promised it the week before, and now that his plate is empty, Otoya can be properly excited for it.  He’s never been to a theme park before, even though he’s always wanted to.  There are several things that he’s always wanted to do that he’s never had the chance to before.  It’s almost like his life took an abrupt right turn that he wasn’t prepared for, and now there’s a whole new host of opportunities awaiting him.  He should be wondering how he’s supposed to pay for this trip, or even how they’re supposed to get there, but instead, Reiji Kotobuki, former child star and current superstar, is driving them and he has no worries about how he’s going to afford this.  How his life has changed.

Instead, he, Reiji, and Tokiya are singing in the car, at the top of their lungs and not very well just because they can.  It’s a rare day off, where they don’t worry about performances or dance steps or what they’re going to have to say in an interview.  They’re normal people today, and it feels like a rare treat, even with how short of a time they’ve been doing this for.

When they approach the Shining Kingdom gate, Otoya can’t help but stand and stare.  He’s seen opulence before—all of Saotome Academy is opulent—but this is beyond that.  It’s pristine and whimsical and beautiful, all together, weaving together an aura of magic that is just . . . incredible.  It’s like they’ve stepped off the streets of Tokyo to arrive in this fantasy place, and there’s something in his heart that has yearned for this kind of escape, because his chest aches and he has to blink back tears.  It’s just so surreal that he’s here, getting to enjoy something like this, despite the background that he has.  It’s like it’s finally hit him that he’s done it, he’s achieved his dream, and the realization makes him lightheaded.

“Haven’t you ever been to one of these?” Reiji asks him, snapping him out of his reverie.

His throat feels tight, so he just shakes his head.

Reiji tosses him his hat, which he fumbles and Tokiya catches to tip onto his head.  “Then let’s go in!” he says enthusiastically. 

The rides are nothing short of amazing.  It’s like little contained universes, all inside one fantasy universe with fast speeds and beautiful visuals and they make his head spin.  Still, he can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t belong here.  He looks around and he sees happy, middle-class families, children holding the hands of their parents with giant smiles on their faces, little pictures of the kind of bonding he never had.  And yet, when Reiji tugs on his hand, and Tokiya nudges his elbow, he feels a little more whole.  A little less incomplete, and a little more . . . like he has a . . .

He hesitates to think the word, but he pushes through, and warmth settles into his chest, a little ball just below his ribs that seeps through his fingertips as he grabs onto Tokiya’s sleeve to point out the little Shining Kingdom logos hidden in the topiaries, and his cheek when Reiji presses them together to take a selfie. 

It feels a little more like he has a _family_. 

The sound of Tokiya dry-heaving puts a quick end to those warm and fuzzy thoughts.  His bunkmate is the color of the sidewalk, sucking in breath in little short huffs like he’s an expectant mother on television going into labor. 

“Water!” Reiji shouts at him before pushing Tokiya towards the nearby sidewalk.  The command is clear, and he goes to the nearest convenience station for a cold bottle in exchange for a couple hundred yen.  By the time he gets back, Tokiya’s only slightly less grey.  His skin looks damp, shiny from beads of sweat on the surface.  He takes the water bottle, swigs from it a couple of times, and then rests it on the back of his neck as he puts his head between his knees.  The only thing Otoya can do is wave the hand fan in front of his face, frantically enough to disturb his hair.

He hadn’t even noticed Reiji’s absence until he reappears, saying he needs to make a phone call, but whether he’s there or not doesn’t really matter to Otoya.  He can take care of Tokiya just fine on his own.  It’s like when his brothers and sisters are sick; he just does what needs to be done.

Tokiya still looks like he’s about to vomit, but Otoya gives him the cough drop in his bag, and the color slowly starts returning to his face.  It’s not until they get to a bathroom, and he splashes water on his face, that Otoya is suddenly mesmerized.  Tokiya is beautiful, with his dark lashes and refined features.  He is sharp—an accumulation of angles—but there is something about his vulnerability that makes him seem soft as he looks in the mirror.  Otoya has the inexplicable urge to wrap him up in his arms and protect him until he can put his armor back on. 

“What?” Tokiya asks.

Otoya very quickly schools his expression into something that feels less like he’s ogling his roommate.  “Huh?”

“You’re staring.”

“Oh . . . sorry!” He needs to distract, so he asks Tokiya the first thing he can think of—how birds fly, directly inspired by the pigeon strutting around near the doorway—and luckily, Tokiya starts on his explanation without much more encouragement.  It’s long and technical, although it’s luckily dumbed down, and Otoya is barely listening.  Instead, he’s listening to the rhythm of his voice and the way Tokiya’s shoulders move as he blots his face dry.  It’s a bit like watching a house be built, brick by brick.  Another piece falls back into place, another marker that feels like Tokiya returns.  It starts with him rolling back up to full height, and then his shoulders squaring and his chest expanding as he takes in a deep breath.  He reapplies moisturizer to his face and his jaw unclenches.  The lines in his face disappear.  His eyes begin to uncloud.  When he motions to Otoya that he’s ready to leave, it’s just a nod.  An unspoken ‘I’m okay’. 

And Otoya’s nod is an unspoken ‘I’m here for you’.

They haven’t taken five steps out of the bathroom before he seems a familiar hat, and instinct makes him pause, but the excited squeal makes him stop completely.  Haruka and Tomochika are waving frantically, Tomochika behind one of his hats and a pair of stylish cateye sunglasses.  He hadn’t even known they were coming to Shining Kingdom today, or they might have met up, but here they are in front of him.

“Ichinose-kun!  Otoya-kun!” Haruka says as they approach. 

“How’d you recognize us?” Otoya asks.  He can’t help but smile as he says it, disguised behind his own sunglasses and hat.

“We’re so incognito here, but we can all still recognize each other.  Although, thanks for the hat, Otoya-kun.  It really is comfortable!”

Tomochika is wearing one of his fedoras, her bright red hair piled up inside so that it looks like she has no more than a cute bob. “I thought it might be best for your hair.  It’s a little big for me, but you have a lot more hair to pin up,” he says.

“I’m surprised to see you both here.  You’ve been working so hard,” Haruka says, looking slightly concerned.

“It was a gift from Kotobuki-san.” Tokiya looks a bit like he’d rather be anywhere else, and seeing as he was just recently gagging over a sidewalk, Otoya can’t blame him.

“That’s so not fair!  My mentor wouldn’t take me anywhere even if I begged her,” Tomochika says.

That’s the sort of thing that makes Reiji great; he really cares about them. “Rei-chan is a really awesome mentor.  He’s really incredible,” Otoya confesses. 

“He’s ridiculous,” Tokiya says with a snort. 

“Are you feeling alright, Ichinose-kun?” Haruka asks, turning to him.

 “Just a bit of motion sickness.” He looks a little embarrassed by it, and Otoya feels the urge to intervene for him, even though it’s just Haruka and Tomochika.

Luckily, Haruka’s smile is sympathetic.  “You too?”

“You don’t have it, right?” Tomochika asks him.

He shakes his head. 

“No chance you want to go with me on the Death Coaster then?  Haruka-chan won’t go with me!”

As much as he’d like to agree—partially because Haruka looks like she’s going to be sick just at the thought—he shakes his head.  “I’ve already promised Rei-chan I’d go with him.  Sorry, Tomo-chan!” He’s about to say something about maybe meeting up with Reiji and seeing if they can work it so that he can go with her too, but a movement in the corner of his eye makes him pause.  Tokiya is fidgeting, his shoulders hunching as if he’s been punched.  All thoughts of anything else fly from his mind.  “Are you feeling alright?” he asks.

“You look pale,” Haruka says.

Tokiya shakes his head, turns on his heel, and runs.

“Wait!” Otoya says, but it goes unheeded, as does Tomochika’s shriek and Haruka’s protest.

The bathroom is only a few steps away, so it’s easy to see that’s where Tokiya returns to, and he doesn’t even excuse himself before following.  The sound of plastic against metal is still ringing against the tile when he enters.  There’s only one bathroom stall closed, so it’s obvious that’s where Tokiya is, but he waits for a few seconds to assess the situation.  And, much to his confusion, there’s . . . nothing.  No sound of retching, not even deep breathing, and Otoya can still see Tokiya’s shoes, toes pointed towards the door.

If it’s nausea, he’s obviously facing the wrong direction.

Otoya takes a deep breath, and then knocks on the door as lightly as he can, just in case he startles Tokiya.  “Tokiya-kun?” Otoya asks.

There’s a beat of silence, and then Tokiya speaks.  “How did you know this was the one I was in?”

“This is the only closed door.  Are you okay?”

“Yeah.  Yeah, of course.”

Otoya stands there for another second, still confused as to what’s going on.  Should he give Tokiya some space?  Should he offer to help?  His hand reaches out to the door, even though he knows he can’t push it open, but it gives way under his palm.  Tokiya is standing on the other side, and before Otoya can even process what’s happened, he’s suddenly being pulled into the stall and pushed back against the corner of the stall.  It hurts a little, both shoulders pushed forward, but he can’t open his mouth to protest because there’s something else against it.  In fact, there’s something very insistent against it.

Tokiya is kissing him.

The previous fear dissipates, and it’s almost like he moves on instinct.  Tokiya is hurting, Tokiya needs shelter, Tokiya needs _him_.  He knows how to respond—this isn’t his first kiss—and he does it on instinct, tilting his head to the left to fit them together more firmly.  It’s hard but hesitant, almost like Tokiya himself is wondering what’s he’s doing, but at Otoya’s response, it changes. 

Tokiya devours him. 

He’s never felt this sort of desire, this insistence towards his own being, and all of the blood rushes to his head.  Every kiss he’s ever had, he’s been the one leading, from chaste kisses on the school yard to the sort of inquisitive kisses of young teenagers exploring. Tokiya is very clearly in control now though.  He pulls back, and Otoya can’t help the sound that escapes his mouth as he stares at Tokiya.  He looks wild almost, his eyes wide, cheeks flushed as he pants.  Otoya can feel the puffs of warm air against his face. 

Tokiya moves in again, and Otoya is distracted from the feeling of his mouth by the cold hands cupping his face.  A thrill runs up his spine, and he grabs fistfuls of Tokiya’s jacket to pull him closer, even as he’s crowded even further into the corner.  His brain processes have stopped completely.  All that he’s focused on doing is getting closer, and when Tokiya’s tongue leaves a trail of saliva along his lower lip, he can’t help but moan in the hopes that his open mouth will be taken as an invitation.  It is.

Tokiya suddenly pulls back, chest heaving, and Otoya almost asks why before he realizes the sound coming from his pocket.  It’s Hyper x Super x Lover, his ringtone for Reiji, and it becomes very obvious why they stopped. 

Tokiya’s eyes are lidded, looking at him like he’d like very much to continue where they left off, but he did stop, so Otoya takes as much of a breath as he can muster through his tight throat before picking up the phone.

Reiji is, unsurprisingly, concerned as to why they’re not where he left them, and Otoya garbles out some lame excuse before hanging up and focusing on the task at hand.  Tokiya is still staring at him, and he stares back, hoping for some explanation, or maybe something more.  He doesn’t get any of that.  Instead, Tokiya stares at him like he’s looking for answers, and Otoya’s heart sinks. 

“Come on,” he says, fighting to keep his face even.  “Rei-chan is waiting for us.” 

He can feel Tokiya’s hand on his elbow, and he takes that as the only explanation Tokiya can give.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t really know what the gesture means.


	6. Shining Kingdom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otoya and Tomochika go out for coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a relatively short chapter, but I think it's the first with all new content, so hopefully it's okay!
> 
> I love Otoya and Tomo's relationship; I personally see them more as best friends/siblings than in a romantic sense, but I know a lot of people see them otherwise. In any case, you cannot tell me Otoya doesn't tell Tomo everything scandalous, I won't listen.
> 
> This is also one of those chapters where had I written everything out the way I wanted, I definitely would have went into Otoya's crush on Haruka a little more. Unlike what I did with Tokiya, I do think Otoya would have a romantic interest in Haruka. If I had about 100,000 more words, I might be able to show that, so you'll have to forgive me on that piece. I did warn that it's not a full fic. Otoya just has too many things with too many people, yo.

They don’t talk about what happened at the theme park, and Otoya knows that’s because he’s the one who needs to bring it up.  Tokiya won’t talk about his feelings without a fucking miracle, and for a moment, Otoya curses him, because what is he supposed to do?  He doesn’t even know what he wants.  A confession of love?  Something more?  Does he really want that?  No, not particularly.  But to hear it meant nothing . . . that would sting.  It would sting more than he’s comfortable admitting.

So, he doesn’t say anything at all.  Or, at least, not to Tokiya.

“He did _what_?!” Tomochika’s shriek hits three octaves, and Otoya quickly has to hush her before everyone in the café is listening in on their conversation.

“Keep it down,” he hisses, tugging on his hat as if it’ll cover more of his face. 

“You’re telling me that stick in the mud _kissed you in a public bathroom_?!”  At least she whispers it this time, although it’s a loud whisper.  “Tokiya Ichi—”

“ _—_ Don’t say his name! _”_

“Sorry!”  Tomochika shakes her head.  “I just . . . I can’t believe it.  Are you sure you didn’t dream it?”

It’s been something Otoya wondered too, but he’s pretty sure he couldn’t have imagined that searing heat and the taste of apple-tinged saliva that he kept licking from his lips even hours later.  “I’m sure,” he insists. 

“Who would have thought . . .” Tomochika’s voice trails off, and Otoya wonders what’s that sentence is going to end with.  Is it a commentary on his choice of Otoya?  Is it just shock in general, because she also thought he was going into that restroom to throw up?  She leans forward suddenly, mischief in her eyes.  “Was it good?”

“Tomo!”

“What?  Give me the details, at least!” 

Otoya’s cheeks burn.  Should he really be talking about this?  Tokiya certainly wouldn’t want him to, but Tokiya also doesn’t seem to want to talk about it at all.  He chews on his lip, and then makes his decision, averting his eyes.  “Yeah.”

“Yeah?  It was?”

“It was.”  And he’s not lying either.  It was electrifying in the best of ways, and Otoya’s toes curl in his shoes just thinking about it.  They have chemistry—they always have, even Ringo commented on it while they were still at the academy—but to think it would manifest in something like that is unthinkable.  He’d never contemplated kissing Tokiya, but now that he has, he can’t resist thinking about it more, and that makes him feel guilty, because he has no idea how Tokiya feels about the whole thing. 

“Tongue?”  She sticks out hers when he wrinkles his nose at her question.

“Isn’t that a little personal?”

“Nothing is too personal between friends!”

He can’t shake the feeling that’s going a bit too far though, so he tamps down on his embarrassment and changes the subject.  “But what do I do now?”

“Do you want to kiss him more?”

The answer is yes, but it’s with some caveats, because Otoya doesn’t know how Tokiya feels, but he also doesn’t know how he feels about it either.  Tokiya was always a non-entity, a rival, someone to beat and hopefully befriend; he was never supposed to be in this confusing category.  If it’s no strings attached, he wouldn’t mind making out with Tokiya some more, but Tokiya doesn’t seem to be the kind of guy to do that sort of thing.  In fact, he’s more the type of guy who would only kiss once he knew exactly what he wanted, which is what makes this so confusing.  It’s fairly obvious from the look on his face when they parted that Tokiya has no idea what he wants.  “I don’t know,” he finally admits.

Tomochika takes a long drag of her caramel frappuccino and smacks her lips together to redistribute the displaced lipstick currently making a ring around her straw.  “Well, that’s the first question, isn’t it?  You can’t ask him what he wants if you don’t know what you want.”

“I just want to be his friend.”  That seems to be the safest thing; he just wants to get to know Tokiya more.  The rest can wait.

“Well then, be his friend.  Treat him like you do any of the other STARISH guys, yeah?” 

It’s simple advice, and Otoya feels dumb for not thinking of it himself.  They can be friends.  The kiss was weird, but it didn’t have to mean anything, he reminds himself.  Personally, he’s not sure that it did mean anything.  It meant that Tokiya needed something, and he provided. 

“Now, if it happens again and you both can’t figure out what it means . . . come talk to me, because I’m pretty sure we can find some romance movie that will help clear things up.”  Tomochika grins.  “But one confused kiss?  That’s nothing.”

“Even if I liked it?”

“Doesn’t everyone like being kissed?”

He’s not entirely sure she’s right, but he doesn’t have the evidence to disagree with her, so he shrugs. 

“Besides, weren’t you just asking me about Haruka-chan last week?” she asks, leaning over the table.  “I thought you were crushing on her!”

That revelation comes with a jolt, because he suddenly realizes that the girl he’s been infatuated with since their academy days hasn’t been on his mind since it happened.  “I guess I’m not,” he says dazedly.

“Boys and their fleeting emotions,” Tomochika teases.

He thinks of Haruka and tries to recapture that warm feeling in his chest that he got thinking about her before, but it hasn’t gone away.  It’s the same, but somehow . . . it feels different.

He puts his hand over his heart, and wonders what that even means.


	7. Niji Iro Overdrive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> STARISH releases a solo album, and after Hyper x Super x Lover was so successful, swallowing the reviews for this one might require some outside help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The irony when I am Here. is #3 on Oricon the same day you post the chapter where Niji Iro Overdrive is #3 on Oricon. 
> 
> I cried over Otoya three times this week, and then they announced that UR card for the next SL event, and I'm disappointed, so have a warm, fuzzy, mildly Tokioto chapter that I wasn't going to post until tomorrow, but I'm trying to stay awake so I can make sure I keep my rank for Lupin. 15 more minutes!!!

_‘I mean, grow up.  It’s so childish.’_

‘ _he soundz lyk hes a kid singin’_

_‘He has no range!  Compare him to his bandmates.  They’re better._ ’

A snuffle comes from the bottom bunk, and Otoya shuts off his phone quickly, stashing it under his pillow even though he knows Tokiya can’t see anything past when the light goes out.  It’s the principal of the thing though.  Tokiya told him not to look at the forums or the reviews.  And, in a way, he doesn’t have to.  When he closes his eyes, he can see the criticism as if he’s looking at it anew.

Immature, untalented, rangeless, childish . . . the list goes on.

They released an album of love songs, and unlike Hyper x Super x Lover, it sort of . . . bombed.  Well, he can’t even really say that.  His own song, Niji Iro Overdrive, sat at #3 on the charts for a couple weeks, just under Ren’s and Masato’s.  But the reception to it, the critics, the forums, they’re all negative.  And, without a doubt, it’s tearing him apart.

He knows his range is small.  In comparison to Tokiya or Natsuki, who can hit three different octaves with ease, he has the vocal capacities of a child.  He’s not good with words like Masato, whose song sounds like poetry, nor does he have the charm of Ren or Syo or Cecil.  It’s just that seeing it, stated so plainly . . . it’s hard to stomach.

He doesn’t sleep that night.  He hasn’t slept at night for a while now, instead grabbing quick naps when he’s supposed to be studying.  He’s taking three different vocal courses, with three different tutors, and the homework tends to put him straight to sleep, no matter how uncomfortable he is when he reads it.  His morning tutor on Wednesdays is the strictest about it, and when it becomes obvious he hasn’t done the reading, he sighs in irritation and tells Otoya to get out until he’s decided to be more serious about his singing.

It’s not that he’s not serious about it, he wants to say as he kicks a rock down the sidewalk and thinks about it.  He’s just . . . tired.  His nerves are fried.  He’s so worried every time he opens his mouth that he’s just not having fun anymore.  _Singing_ isn’t fun anymore.

“You look depressed.”

It’s like Cecil has appeared out of nowhere, or maybe that’s just how much Otoya has been in his own head.  He reflexively puts on his cheery mask and pretends nothing’s wrong.  “I’m just thinking!” he says.  “What are you doing out here?”

“I was just headed to the practice rooms for some vocal practice.  Would you care to join me?”

Otoya thinks of some of the criticism leveled at Cecil and marvels at how he’s seemed to recover already.  He was called childish too, and untalented, but there was a strain of alienation at his foreignness that Camus was surprisingly kind about, at least when Cecil wasn’t in the room.  _‘The xenophobia of the Japanese,_ ’ he’d said to Reiji, _‘is pervasive and horrifically stubborn_.’  For his part, Otoya can’t figure it out.  Cecil is charming and kind and everything Otoya wishes he could be sometimes, so how anyone couldn’t value him just because he’s foreign is . . . well, it’s unthinkable.

“I don’t want to interrupt your session,” he says, but Cecil shakes his head emphatically.

“You wouldn’t be!  Please, we haven’t sang together in quite a while!”

Cecil is quite obviously not going to take no for an answer, and it’s not like Otoya has anywhere to be, so he eventually nods.  “Sure, just for a little bit.”

Of course, when Cecil starts singing, it’s like the angels sing with him.  He has this beautiful alto range, higher than Otoya’s, and clear like a bell. 

“You sound amazing,” Otoya can’t help but say.

“You’ll sound amazing too,” Cecil says, pushing the sheet music to him.  “It is an excellent arrangement.  Haruka made it.”

No question then.  Haruka is amazing; of course she’ll play to Cecil’s strength. 

“Try it,” Cecil encourages him.

It doesn’t go well.  It’s not even his range, but Cecil brings this sort of art in his sound that makes even the wobbliest of notes beautiful.  He is a songbird and Otoya is a pigeon in comparison. 

“Perhaps you should try using more air,” the prince suggests.

All that does is make him sound bad louder.

Cecil suggests half a dozen corrections—everything from his posture to the way he takes a breath—before there’s a knock at the door.  It opens before either of them can answer, almost as if the knock were just a formality, and it’s more than a surprise when Tokiya strides in, almost rudely. 

“Toki-kun!” Cecil says, always polite.  Otoya waves.

“I heard your note crack again,” Tokiya says.  It sounds like an accusation.

He fidgets, trying not to look too guilty.  “Yeah.  I’m not sure I’m getting any better,” he says offhandedly. 

Once again, Tokiya acts brusque, turning the music stand as if he’s been invited in. “Let me see.” After a moment of perusal, he asks Cecil, “is this yours?”

“It’s one of the songs Camyu and I are working on.”

Tokiya takes the sheet music off the stand and shoves it at him.  “I’ll take over.  Go.”

Is this still Tokiya?  It feels almost like it did when they were at Saotome Academy, but it’s different.  It doesn’t feel angry this time, but he can’t figure out what it feels like.  Tokiya’s gaze pins him down, and it occurs to Otoya that he’s suddenly Tokiya’s new project.

Even though Cecil was the one who got the practice room in the first place, he shrugs and agrees to leave, although he’s probably very confused.  Otoya empathizes, since he’s not entirely sure what’s going on here either.

As soon as the door closes, Tokiya folds his arms over his chest and fixes Otoya with a disapproving glare.  “You might want to start with the stuff you can actually achieve first,” he says. 

“I didn’t want to take away from his practice time.”

“Take a break and get some water.  I’ll meet you back here in a minute.”

Tokiya leaves the room, and Otoya stares after him for a moment.  Still, he definitely doesn’t want to disrupt what camaraderie they’ve gained, so he goes to refill his water bottle.  When he returns, he fiddles with the cap until Tokiya returns with a fistful of sheet music. 

TRUST MY DREAM sits on the stand in front of him.  Tokiya stares at him expectantly, and when Otoya starts to ask, he cuts him off.  “Just sing it for me.  Humor me.”

The song should be warm and familiar.  It should make him smile; it was the first song he ever sang after getting to Saotome Academy.  Instead, there’s a sharp dread as soon as Tokiya starts counting down.  And then, just as he expects, he can’t even make it through the first line.  To his horror, he has to fight his tears when he realizes there was a part of him that still believed he could, and now it’s obvious that he can’t.  “I didn’t actually think I was getting worse,” he says.

Tokiya doesn’t seem to be concerned though.  “You’re not.”  He takes the sheet music back, putting it on the stand in front of himself.  “Sing it with me this time.  You’ll have to be patient with me; I’ve listened to it before but I don’t have it memorized.”

He doesn’t want to do this, he’s decided.  He doesn’t want to fail anymore, he doesn’t want to _do this_ , whatever _this_ is, anymore.  “But my voice is just going to crack again,” he says, trying to discourage Tokiya. 

“Then jump back in when it’s recovered.  Ready?”  Tokiya is so self-assured, so unwilling to hear the word ‘no’ that Otoya has to give him at least one chance. 

Hearing Tokiya sing his song makes his voice shake—it’s beautiful, but it’s too delicate for the song—and his voice cracks on the first line.  He wants to give up after that, but Tokiya waves his finger in the air to remind him ‘look at me’, and Otoya jumps back in as he was told to.  He stares at Tokiya, waiting for whatever magic he’s got up his sleeve to start.  He doesn’t feel any different, even as they get to the chorus.  It’s obvious that he’s proven Tokiya wrong, and the tension drains from his shoulders as he continues to humor this line of thought.

It’s not until Tokiya cuts them off that Otoya realizes his voice hasn’t cracked at all since he jumped back in.  “See?  You’re not getting worse,” Tokiya says, as if he’s known all along.

“I don’t get it.”

“You’re thinking too much.  You’re worried about not hitting the notes, so you don’t.  When you couldn’t see how high the notes were, you did fine.  Your range will expand naturally if you work it.  It’s just like stretching a muscle.”

He talks like this is a solution, but there’s a big issue there.  “So, I’m just not supposed to use sheet music for the rest of my life?” Otoya asks.  “Somehow I don’t think that’s going to work, Tokiya-kun.”

“No, you’d be fine if you had some confidence that you were going to hit the notes.”  Tokiya digs around in his bag before pulling out his own sheet music.  “Do you have your sheet for Rainbow Dream?”

He does, for his vocal lesson.  “I can’t hit the notes on this either,” he warns Tokiya.

Tokiya flicks him on the forehead.

“Ow!  What was that for?”

“You can hit those notes.  Trust me.  Don’t look at the music unless you need to.”

‘ _Trust me._ ’  Those are two words that they’ve never spoken to each other out loud, but Otoya knows, just by asking, Tokiya knows he will.  And he does.  Tokiya counts off, and they sing together.  At the beginning, he panics as soon as the notes get above the third line, but Tokiya snaps at him, and that’s as much of a reminder as Otoya needs.

_Trust me._

This time, he’s not as surprised when Tokiya is right.

“Told you.”

Even though he hates it when people say they told him so, he’s too grateful in this moment.  He trusts Tokiya and Tokiya believes in him in return.  As cheesy as it is, it’s incredible to feel someone else believing in him, but the most accomplished person he knows?  The most incredible person he knows, who formerly worked himself halfway to death for his dream?  “Tokiya . . . thanks.”

“You’re doing fine.  I don’t know what’s gotten into your head, but you’ve got to get it out.”  The strange note in Tokiya’s voice sounds like concern. 

Otoya has to look down at his feet.  All of the criticism is suddenly loud in his ears, and he squeezes his eyes shut, like he’s afraid if he opens them again, he’s going to see those things splashed across the walls.  The acid builds in his throat, and when he finally asks the question, it’s like it’s being forcibly ejected from his body.

“Am I holding STARISH back?”

There’s a beat of silence, and it pierces him through the heart as he imagines Tokiya trying to phrase how to say yes.  He hears him take in a breath and braces himself, only to hear, “no.  We’ve still all got a lot to learn, that’s all.  That’s why we have our mentors, right?  Kotobuki-san and the others?  It’s not just you, Otoya.”

Perhaps it’s wishful thinking, because Otoya couldn’t tell when he was being disingenuous as HAYATO, but it feels like he means that.  He looks up, and immediately, Tokiya’s face gets blurry as tears flood his eyes.  All of his pain, all of his worries; they all melt away in the face of Tokiya’s words.

‘ _Trust me.’_

He starts sobbing.  It’s humiliating, and he immediately wraps his arms around Tokiya’s chest to try to hide himself.  The contact isn’t entirely welcome—Otoya recognizes how Tokiya stiffens—but a second later, there are arms around his own back and a face in his hair, and it feels safe and warm as he cries all of his worries out of his system. 

He might be immature, untalented, and all of those other things, but he’s still learning, and he doesn’t feel so alone in it anymore.    

After a few minutes, he feels a bit foolish.  “Sorry,” he says, pulling away to wipe his eyes.  There are wet spots on Tokiya’s shirt where Otoya’s face had been, and he fully expects Tokiya to complain about that, but instead, he shakes his head.

“We’re a team.  You, me, and Kotobuki-san.  You can come to me when you start worrying about this stuff.”

_This_ is Tokiya Ichinose, Otoya starts to recognize, not the grumpy, standoffish man he’s known for the last year.  The smile on his face is genuine and soft and he looks almost . . . content.  Otoya has to smile back, and then leans forward to peck Tokiya on the cheek.  It’s not romantic, just an extension of the heavy, bright emotions in his chest.  Trust me, he wants to say back.  Instead, he puts on the cheerful mask again, but it’s not as hard to get back into character. “Thanks.  And you too!  I’m not really sure what I can help you with, but if there’s anything . . .”

“Actually, there is.”  Tokiya starts asking him questions about his songwriting, and as they talk about it in depth, there’s a small nugget of warmth in his chest that makes him smile.  Tokiya _does_ trust him, he realizes.  It goes without saying, but it’s there, and that means something.


	8. Reiji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, all we need is just an affirmation that we're not the only one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the things I wished I could have done more in Independence was really use Reiji to his full potential, because I think he's one of the biggest reasons Otoya and Tokiya developed as well as they did. Reiji really is more of a big brother than anything to them, and I wanted to show a little bit more of that. 
> 
> The restricted viewpoint keeps me from going into Reiji's thoughts more though, so you'll just have to guess what he's referencing. 
> 
> (Also, the timing on this isn't coincidental; I haven't been very good about remembering, but happy anniversary!)
> 
> EDIT 2019/06/11 - I apparently love these two so much you needed to read this chapter twice. It's only once now.

He doesn’t remember the next night in much detail at all.  He and Tokiya talked about lyrics for hours and played around with compositions, and Otoya vaguely remembers a kotatsu and tea and the next thing he knows, he’s waking up in Reiji’s bed, sandwiched between his mentor and Tokiya, both of them cuddled up to him like they’re a couple of children.  It’s so hot, and his shoulder is numb where Reiji’s head is, but it’s also a weird moment of peace between the three of them.  They’re not arguing.  They’re not talking about what’s next or what they have to work on.  It’s just a moment of peace.

If only he remembered how they got here.

He has quite the headache, so he rests his head back on the mattress, between the two pillows, despite the fact that Reiji isn’t using the one on his right. He thinks about stealing it to give his neck a break, but he can’t figure out how to get to it without moving that arm.  When he turns to the left to see if Tokiya is using that one, he comes mere centimeters from his face, their noses almost touching. 

That’s a no then.

Still, he keeps staring at Tokiya.  He has sort of an ethereal beauty about him, with his pale, flawless skin and sharp features.  He looks like the incarnation of some god sent from heaven.  He has the sudden urge to trace Tokiya’s cheekbone just to make sure it’s not chiseled out of marble or stone.  He is a marvel, a success story of flesh and bone, and for a moment, Otoya is in awe.  It’s not like Reiji isn’t equally beautiful—he is—and it’s humbling to be between the two.  He feels inadequate, a mere mortal among paragons of talent, and he has to look away before the acid rises in his throat.

Reiji stirs suddenly, and he’s always famously quick to wake, because he looks up to Otoya with bright eyes and puts his finger to his lips.  “Shhhhhh, let’s not wake him,” he says, pointing to Tokiya as if there was someone else in the room.  Otoya sweeps a quick glance around the room just to make sure there isn’t.

“What happened?” he croaks.  His throat is dry, and his voice cracks on the third syllable.

Reiji shushes him again and helps him out of Tokiya’s grip.  Other than a couple of groans and a quick nuzzle back into the pillow, he doesn’t stir, which is a surprise, but then again, Otoya figures he’s probably sleep deprived too.

Once they’re in the living area, Reiji puts on a pot of tea, and then sets out an aspirin and a glass of water for Otoya.  “Drink up.”

“How did you know—?”

“You and Tokki went through half of a bottle of whiskey last night.  Did you eat before coming home?”

Otoya racks his brain.  “A bag of chips out of the vending machine?” he says uncertainly.

Reiji snorts.  “No wonder you were both such lightweights.”

“We drank?”

Reiji motions for him to drink the glass of water and then refills it once it’s empty.  “I figured it would help you sleep.  How was it?”

“I don’t even remember getting into bed.”

“And minus the headache?”

The headache is manageable—he’s had one of those for the last few weeks—but his eyes don’t hurt.  In fact, he feels better than he has in days.  When he takes in a breath, it doesn’t feel like there’s a rubber band restricting his lungs.  “Okay, actually.”

“You can’t let yourself get that bad, Otoyan,” Reiji reproaches, brandishing the spatula he’s just plucked out of the drawer.  “You looked about like you were going to keel over soon if you didn’t get some sleep.”

He’d thought he was actually keeping it in pretty good, but if Reiji noticed, maybe he didn’t.  “Sorry,” he says. 

“Don’t apologize.  It’s nothing to apologize over.”  There’s a rare note of sharpness in Reiji’s voice.  “But ask for help next time, won’t you?”

“Help . . . with what?”

Reiji gives a loud sigh, puts down the pan he’d just gotten out, and then leans on the counter opposite Otoya.  “My very first single after I graduated Saotome Academy bombed.  It didn’t even hit Oricon that’s how badly it debuted.  People gave it one listen and then decided they could go without ever hearing it again.  I thought I was going to lose my contract.”

Having the backing of Shining Productions and not even hitting Oricon is an impressive feat all on its own, Otoya can imagine.  There’s an aggressive marketing team that pushes every single, puts it on all of the radio stations; the fact that people had to have heard it, but no one bought it had to have been devastating.  “But you didn’t!”

“No, I didn’t.”  There’s the hint of a self-deprecating smile on Reiji’s face, and the entire mask is one Otoya’s never seen before on his happy-go-lucky mentor.  “I grew into the funny man, the comedian, and my contract was secure.  But it was a couple years before I felt like going back to singing.”  He looks down at his hands.  “A lot of things had to happen for me to go back to it.”

There’s something there brewing beneath the surface, Otoya can sense.  Reiji is suddenly an ocean away from him in his mind, eyes downcast.  He seems to regain himself in the next minute though, because he looks up and smiles before Otoya can say anything.

“I don’t want you to wait years before you start singing again.  You love it.  Don’t let the negative words stop you from doing it.  People still loved your song.  Hold on.”  Reiji puts up one finger, pulls out his phone, and types something on it before shoving it across the counter.

It’s a chat forum, filled with people talking about how much they love Niji Iro Overdrive.  There’s over a thousand messages, ranging from how much they love his counting to how it cheered them up after a bad day.  Otoya’s throat tightens, and he has to repress the tears welling up in his eyes. 

“You can’t just look at the bad stuff, Otoyan.  You’ve gotta look at the good stuff too.  That’s just a fact of this industry,” he says kindly. 

“Rei-chan,” is all he can say before he breaks down. 

It’s a different crying than the one he did on Tokiya’s shoulder the day before, even though he feels foolish to have cried twice in two days.  That one was about feeling alone; this one is the realization that he’s been thinking of himself as despised, hated for some reason, only to realize that he’s not.  There’s been so much negativity that he’s tried to stay positive through it without thinking of anyone else being positive for him. 

Reiji comes around the kitchen island to hug him, stroking his hair much like a parent would do for a child.  “This isn’t helping you drink water,” he reminds Otoya after a few minutes.

Otoya snorts, but it comes out watery.

“I’ve been stupid, haven’t I?” he says, wiping at his eyes and taking another long drag of the water in front of him.

“We all are.  It’s a human trait.”  Reiji winks at him and returns to cooking.  “But I think I have been too.  What do you say to changing up your vocal lessons a little bit?”

“Whatever you think is best,” is all Otoya can say.  Reiji is his mentor, after all.

Reiji rewards him with a smile for that answer, and Otoya watches him start to cook.  “Maybe you should go shower, hm?” he says after a few minutes of batting around the salmon in the skillet.

“Yeah.”  He assumes he didn’t last night, which means poor Reiji will need to change his linens, not that having Otoya and Tokiya in there regardless wouldn’t warrant that.

“You’re doing just fine, Otoyan,” Reiji says before he can walk away.  “Just keep going.  I’ll let you know if you’re not,” he reassures him.

 _‘You’re not alone’_ is what Otoya hears from that, and he can agree with that.  They are a unit, together.

 


	9. Jam Session

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otoya's new vocal lessons aren't exactly what he was expecting, but perhaps they're helping already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All new content again! I actually love Ranmaru/Ren/Masato's dynamic, so they get a bit more attention in these than anyone else.
> 
> Otoya has to bond with everyone . . . and by everyone, I mean everyone . . .

“You got your guitar?”

Otoya nods, and Ranmaru lets him into the apartment he shares with Ren and Masato.  It’s a familiar environment—Masato has always offered snacks after group practices, not to mention they have the nicest furniture among the four rooms—and Otoya’s glance around is more out of awkwardness than acquainting himself with his surroundings.  Ranmaru is someone fairly new to him still; he’s come to their room before to talk to Reiji, but there’s always something rather perfunctory about how he treats the rest of them.  It’s like they’re irrelevant, but obviously Otoya has been considered relevant now, because they’re the only two there.

“Go ahead and tune up,” Ranmaru says, and Otoya complies.  He’s tuned down to his B string by the time Ranmaru comes in with his bass.  “You ever tuned with an electric tuner?”

Otoya shakes his head.  He’s seen the device, but he’s never used one.

“Let’s see how close you are.”  Ranmaru instructs him to play his first string, and he does.  A moment later, Ranmaru plays his own and shakes his head.  “You’re closer than I am.  You’re a touch flat though.”

Otoya fiddles with the tuning peg.

By the time they’re tuned, Otoya is comfortable.  There’s a strange camaraderie in tuning stringed instruments together, and Ranmaru is gruff, but he’s kind, even when Otoya’s B string is way sharp.  It’s obvious that he speaks his mind, whether his opinion is positive or negative. 

“Set that aside for a bit.  We’ll sing, and then we’ll jam when you get frustrated.  Sound good?”

Otoya stares at him nonplussed.  “Is . . . that something we can do?”

Ranmaru looks around.  “Do you see anyone around here to stop us?”

“I just . . . isn’t it supposed to be better to push through?”

The rocker chuckles.  “Maybe at school.  That’s probably why Reiji used to be so damn set on us practicing until we were about ready to kill each other.”

Otoya bites his lip, not entirely sure how to respond to that.

“Look, you’re gonna burn yourself out if you hammer the same stuff in over and over again.  Jamming is fun and it can be inspiring.  You’re not gonna create anything good if you don’t have the inspiration.”  Ranmaru looks at him as if he’s waiting for his lesson to sink in, and Otoya nods, even though he’s not entirely sure he understands.

Ranmaru warms him up classically—scales and arpeggios—before they move onto actual vocal exercises.  He has a deceptively large range, despite his gruff timbre, which he shows off as they play around with some popular songs.  He encourages Otoya to play around and put his own spin on things, particularly if he knows he can’t hit a note, and it actually takes Otoya a while to realize they’re doing a lesson.  It feels more like karaoke with a friend, even if said friend sometimes makes him sing a line again or corrects his posture.

It’s hours before they pick up their instruments, to the point that Ranmaru says this is their cooldown time, and Masato comes in as they’re playing around with the G minor scale.  His eyes are wide, but he doesn’t say anything as he looks between them and then goes to move like he hadn’t paused at all.

“Oi.  You gonna join us?” Ranmaru calls to him.

Masato glances between them again.  “I don’t want to intrude.”

“You’re not intruding on anything.”

“Come on, Masa!” Otoya can’t help but encourage.  “Just like we used to do in A Class, right?”

The reminder makes Masato smile.  “Give me just a moment to set my things down,” he says, and Otoya cheers over Ranmaru’s “damn straight”. 

Their jamming sounded good with just the two of them, but once Masato pulls the electric keyboard out of a closet and sets the metronome, they sound like they could be an actual band.  The only vocalizations they make are the occasional key change agreement, or a solo section, and even though they don’t talk, it feels close.  Their hearts are in unison, Otoya thinks.  The lines smooth from Masato’s face as he absorbs himself into the music, a dreamlike rapture seemingly coming over him, to the point that the only time he looks up from the keys, he has a zoned-out smile on his features. 

This is what they’ve missed, Otoya thinks.  During Hyper x Super x Lover, he was too stressed out to enjoy this, but the alignment of intentions, the ease in which their lives are condensed to something the other can understand, even though Otoya and Masato are about as different as they could get, that’s what music is all about.  Even Ranmaru, cold and unapproachable, seems like a peer rather than a mentor. 

Collaboration is at the heart of love, he muses.  A unity of souls together to create one beautiful thing, whether that’s friendship or devotion or even something as simple as a melody. 

Their gentle peace is interrupted by the front door, Ren entering this time, although he freezes when he sees them.  “I’ll come back,” he says quickly, which makes Otoya do a doubletake, because Ren usually treats everywhere like he owns the place.

“No need.  I should head out anyways.”  Masato stands suddenly, thanks Otoya and Ranmaru for the chance to play with them, and strides out without even taking his bag.  No one stops him, but when Ren points out that Masato doesn’t carry his keys in his pocket, Ranmaru rolls his eyes and gets to his feet.

“You two need to fucking figure this out,” he growls at Ren before grabbing Masato’s bag from their room and exiting the apartment too.

A shadow passes Ren’s face, but he seems to realize he’s not alone when he turns and sees Otoya.  “Ikki!” he says, his smile wide.  “I hear you’re helping me with my new dance!”

“Is . . . everything okay?” he dares to ask.

The change in Ren’s expression is miniscule, but Otoya still catches the way the corner of his mouth turns down and his eyebrows dip.  “Of course.  It’s just Hijirikawa and I at war like normal.  Nothing new.”  It sounds hollow, but before Otoya can call him on it, Ren is already in the kitchen, rummaging around in the cupboards.  “Do you want to stay for lunch and we can head to the studio afterwards?”

Otoya recognizes when Ren has shut down, so he doesn’t push any more. “Sure!” he says, pretending they haven’t just had that tense exchange.  As he packs up his guitar, he contemplates saying something, but he can’t think of anything, so he just takes instruction from his bandmate on how to help make lunch.  Ranmaru comes back alone, but Otoya doesn’t miss how Ren plates four dishes and sticks one in the fridge.  He doesn’t say anything about it though, nor does Otoya see him reach for his phone to send a message.

“How’s your duet finals going?” he dares to ask during lunch, since Masato and Ren are a duet unit.

“We’re making progress,” is the vague answer.

Otoya thinks of the jam session just an hour before and hopes that it helps the two of them connect after their disconnect once again.


	10. Dear . . . Burning my Lady!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The duet finals have started, and some things get better, but Tokiya gets worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we're at the halfway point in this fic, so have more new content! And some TokiOto, because it's been a bit since we last saw Tokiya and god I'm a sucker for hurt/comfort.
> 
> Also, Otoya and Syo making dumb schemes is my aesthetic.
> 
> (Also, I feel like this shouldn't have to be said, but since this is my only active fic at the moment, I'll post it here: please refrain from reposting my fics anywhere, and if you're really dying to, please come talk to me first. You can leave a comment here, or I'm on Twitter as @melodycanta. Just please don't take it for your own.)

Otoya helps Ren with the dance for his new single, and it doesn’t occur to him that the situation between him and Masato has improved until the last day of dress rehearsals.  They’re packing up, talking about how tomorrow is the big day, when the pianist rushes in.  He’s out of breath, like he’s ran the entire way, and his hair is windswept and messier than Otoya can ever remember seeing it.

“Hijirikawa?” Ren asks, obviously shocked.

“You said you’d show it to me before you filmed it,” Masato gasps out between breaths. 

Otoya’s mouth is hanging wide open, but Ren seems to recover first, and he just nods.  “Alright.  Ikki, can you get the music?”

“R—right!”  Otoya scampers over to the controls for the stereo system.  There are four beats in time at the beginning of the song to establish the tempo, and by the third, Ren is in position.  He’s wearing his jacket, and his hair is back down after he’s had it up all day, but he doesn’t stop to correct any of it. 

He’s never seen Ren dance with this much determination.  It’s all over his face, behind the charming smirk, and Otoya wonders if this is for Masato’s sake.  Masato, who constantly complains about Ren not trying and not caring, is standing there silently with an unreadable expression on his face.  If Otoya didn’t know better, he’d think he wasn’t really watching.  His eyes narrow every time Ren wobbles on an arabesque—he’s tired and it’s been a long day, so he’s not dancing the best—and for a moment, after the dance is over, Otoya thinks Masato might tear him apart.

Instead, he nods and a smile appears on his face.  “I see.  Thank you, Jinguji.”

Something significant is happening.  Otoya only wishes he understood what.

“Good enough for you?” Ren asks, grinning.

“For now.”  Masato chuckles.  “I’m very hard to please.”

“That’s the understatement of the year.”

The two of them share a laugh, and Otoya is so confused, but they both turn to him a second later.  “Dinner, Ikki?”

“On me,” Masato insists, “since you both have been working so hard.”

“Oh?  Have we cracked the elusive Hijirikawa shell?” Ren asks.

Masato shoves him hard enough to make him stumble.  “Go shower; I’m not taking you anywhere smelling like _that_.”

Ren practically skips towards the dressing room, and Otoya watches in shock.  “What just _happened_?” he can’t help but ask.

Masato laughs.  “Jinguji and I just figured out how to communicate, that’s all.”  He looks happy, which is the opposite of how he usually looks whenever he’s exited a conversation with Ren. 

“That’s great!”  Otoya can’t claim to understand, but it’s better that they’re getting along than constantly getting mad at each other.  “What changed?”

“We’re taping our duet final tomorrow.  Working together alone has been a struggle, but . . . I think I understand.  Not all of it, of course, but enough.”

The look in Masato’s eyes makes him think of Tokiya for some inexplicable reason.  Maybe Ren and Masato are finally hearing the unspoken things they say to each other too.

 

“I think that this needs to go up to the F, not stay at the—” Tokiya cuts off, putting a finger up in place of his words as he turns away.  He’s done this four times now, and Otoya waits for the sneeze that is sure to come.  He tries to recover, even stumbles over “—not stay at the—” a few times before it finally comes out. 

“Are you okay?” Otoya asks.

“I’m f—” He gets cut off by another sneeze, proving the point, and he looks a little zoned out when he recovers.  There’s something off about him, like he’s living a half-second after everyone else.  His reflexes are slower, as evidenced by the glass of water he knocked over earlier and didn’t notice for about five seconds.

“You’re sick.”

Tokiya narrows his eyes.  “Don’t you dare.”

Otoya glances at the bedroom, where Reiji is puttering around, calculates his chances of survival, and decides to do it for Tokiya’s own good.  “Rei-chan, Tokiya is sick!” he shouts and fully expects the tackle that throws him backwards on the floor. 

“I’m fine!” Tokiya shouts, his voice rasping even as he tries to strangle Otoya.  “I’m completely fine!”

“Tokki . . .”

Otoya knows by that tone that he’s won.  Reiji is in big brother mode, which means Tokiya is going to get the help he needs.  It should all be good.

It’s obviously not all good when Reiji pushes him out of their room with a bag of clothes and tells him to stay with Ranmaru for the next few days.

Their duet final is due in two weeks.  They haven’t recorded any of it.  They haven’t even finished the lyric composition. 

“You can’t get sick too!” Reiji says later when he tries to come back in to check on Tokiya.  “You’ve gotta stay well, Otoyan, so that means you can’t see him until he’s better.  What happens if both of you get sick?”

He has a point, but that doesn’t mean Otoya likes it.

Masato and Ren, however, are done and on break until after grading, so they both offer to check on him the next day.  Otoya is set up on the couch (Ranmaru offered the other half of the bed in a rare move, but the bedroom is just too weird; he’s used to Tokiya’s silent breathing and Reiji’s muffled mumbles into his pillow), and he’s folding up his bedding when they come back, Masato holding an empty soup pot and Ren flushed and laughing.  That’s a good sign, he hopes.

“How did it go?” he asks.

“He is very much delirious,” Masato says bluntly.  “Jinguji found it hilarious.”

“He said ‘snitches get stitches’; how is that not hilarious to you?  Icchi?  Making an actual pop culture reference?”  Ren breaks into a peal of laughter that makes Masato roll his eyes.  Otoya blanches, since it’s pretty obvious who the ‘snitch’ must be.  “That being said, he asked where you were three times, so I think it’s safe to say he’s not mad.”

“Yeah, but did he ask in the ‘I’m concerned since he’s not here’ or the ‘I’m concerned because I want to strangle him’ kind of way?” Otoya asks, wondering how much distance he needs to keep after Tokiya is fully recovered.  They may need to do their duet final on opposite sides of the room with a referee in the middle; Tokiya is not known for his mercy.

“He missed you.  He said it,” Masato states plainly, moving to the sink to rinse the pot.  “He wondered why you didn’t come by yourself.”

Otoya’s lip quivers and he presses them together as he dissolves into a puddle of guilt.  “Did you tell him—”

“—that Kotobuki-sempai had forbidden it?  Of course.”

“I’m not sure he really remembered who Bukky was at the moment anyways,” Ren says.  “Like Hijirikawa said, he was pretty delirious.  He kept flickering in and out of comprehension.”

“But he remembered me?”

Ren’s smile turns mysterious, and he nods.  “Yep.  Didn’t forget who you were for a second.  Forgot where you were . . . three times . . .”

Masato chuckles.  “I would recommend you visit him if it weren’t so essential you didn’t get sick too.”

There’s wisdom in Masato’s words as well, but Otoya has never been one to see wisdom very easily, particularly when emotion is concerned.  He pretends to accept their words and then sneaks out after stealing Masato’s keys from his bag (he’ll apologize later, he promises) that night.

“You’re sure about this?” Syo asks. 

“It’ll only take a minute, I swear.”

“That’s all I can guarantee you anyways.  It’s Ai; Reiji-sempai is going to know immediately nothing’s wrong.  He stares at a wall regardless of what’s happening.”  Syo shoves his hands in his pockets.  “I don’t get why you’re so worked up about this anyways.  It’s Tokiya; he’ll be fine in a couple days.”

Otoya doesn’t quite understand why he’s so determined either, but he knows there’s a gnawing ball of guilt in the pit of his stomach right now that he needs to get rid of.  “I’ve just got to do this.  Thanks for helping out.”

Syo shrugs.  “I’ll get you to pay me back for it someday.  Go hide.”

Otoya obediently ducks into the nearby stairwell, and Syo takes a deep breath before knocking on the door in front of him.  Reiji answers it a moment later, and it’s obvious that Syo is using all of his acting talent, because even Otoya thinks for a moment that something’s actually wrong with Ai as he begs Reiji for help.  Reiji looks back into their shared room and then leaves with Syo.

There’s his opening.

Otoya ducks into the room, creeping into the bedroom.  He doesn’t want to wake Tokiya, who is lying in Reiji’s bed with a cold compress to his forehead.  He doesn’t look very good, but Otoya doesn’t see any prescriptions on the bedside table, nor does he see the telltale note from the doctor, so those are both good signs.  That being said, he doesn’t even stir when Otoya comes into the room, and that’s probably not because Otoya’s creeping around with the stealth of a ninja.

The last time he saw Tokiya this sick was when he was hospitalized for overworking himself.  Otoya had seen him that morning, had even remarked that Tokiya looked tired, and yet, he’d done nothing to make him slow down.  This time, he’s glad he did, before it got worse.  Even so, there’s still a hollow ache in his chest at how helpless Tokiya looks, how vulnerable.  He can’t help but smooth a piece of sweat-slick hair from his forehead.  There’s the flicker of a reaction there, a tiny movement beneath Tokiya’s eyelid, but he doesn’t open his eyes, and he’s asleep again within seconds.

He doesn’t have much time, he reminds himself, even though he’d like to watch over him for a while longer.  He had contemplated what would remind Tokiya that no matter what, Otoya was thinking of him, and he quickly pulls the chain of his necklace over his head.  It feels weird not to have that familiar weight resting on his collarbone—aside from shoots, he never takes it off, not even to shower or sleep—but he reminds himself that Tokiya needs that reminder more than he needs the comfort. 

Masato and Reiji have a point about how he can’t get sick too, so he knows he needs to limit his exposure.  Hooking it around Tokiya’s neck is impossible with how he’s sunk into the pillow.  Instead, he drops it into Tokiya’s open hand, and after a moment, curls his fingers around it.  Tokiya will take good care of it, he knows. 

“ _I’m right here,_ ” he hopes it says, much like it’s said to him despite being alone for several years.  “ _You don’t have to ask, because I’m right here beside you._ ”


	11. Roulette

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late nights can be quite illuminating, in the right circumstances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I wrote Independence, I got a lot of complaints about how I didn't address Tokiya's sexuality, and for the record, I don't think it would matter. Tokiya falls in love with a person, and whatever identifier that person uses is irrelevant. (I had a few people tell me I wrote Tokiya as very demisexual, which . . . sure, we can go with that.) In any case, I wasn't going to make the same mistake with HORIZON.
> 
> This chapter is also my love letter to Tokyo. I gave Otoya my own affinity for city views (obviously taking away his acrophobia, mostly because when I wrote Independence, I had only seen parts of the anime, so I thought that was a Syo thing), so this ended up being a really emotional chapter for me, and I did cry writing the first draft. But to be fair to myself, I haven't been home in ten years, so I think it warrants a little bit of homesickness.

Reiji returns his necklace to him two days later with a mild reproach that he should take better care of his things rather than leaving them around, but he doesn’t say anything about how it somehow ended up with the bedridden Tokiya, and Otoya’s not sure if Tokiya ever realized he even had it.  It’s the principle of the thing anyways; even if Tokiya didn’t know, Otoya was still there, watching over him. 

Tokiya’s full recovery takes a couple weeks, even if his fever breaks after the first three days.  He insists it wasn’t as bad as everyone keeps saying, claiming Ren and Masato are being melodramatic in their retelling, and that it was only a mild cold.  Otoya knows it wasn’t, but he doesn’t say anything in opposition. 

When he’s better, they jump into the practice rooms for a couple days straight and barely make the recording deadline.  They celebrate with a decent dinner, and then Tokiya is so tired he falls asleep on Otoya’s shoulder.  It’s strange to have the warmth there, to be able to feel Tokiya’s chest rise and fall against his arm and to feel the weight of his head, but it’s not unpleasant at all.  There’s been a lot of pleasant things that have to do with Tokiya lately, he muses as he continues sketching.  Ignoring the couple weeks a few months ago where Tokiya couldn’t even look him in the eye (that was bizarre, and Otoya never did get an answer about it, even when he asked Ren if he’d noticed anything later), they’ve been on relatively good terms.  He treasures the bond they have, even if talking about things still feels off limits. 

That’s not entirely true, he has to admit to himself.  They can talk, it just has to be through song lyrics.  There’s a few lines of Roulette that make him suppress a smile, a warm feeling bubbling in his chest.  Tokiya had suggested them, but the one that makes him the happiest is in the final chorus.

‘ _I’ve realized there’s something that connects us._ ’

Otoya had pushed then for a repeat from the first chorus, just so that he could say something meaningful back.

‘ _Believe in me, and then you’ll see; I promise you._ ’

He hadn’t been able to resist looking at Tokiya when they taped that line, even though Tokiya’s gaze was centered on his sheet music.  There is something that connects them, a red string of fate, Otoya believes.  Tokiya pushes him to be greater than he ever could be alone, encourages him and taunts him, sometimes in the same breath.  He’s an invaluable part of Otoya’s development as a musician.  He can honestly say that Tokiya Ichinose is the biggest reason why he’s improved as much as he has.

But there are times where he wonders whether that connection might be something more, and then his brain focuses back in on that trip to Shining Kingdom.  He wants to know what that meant to Tokiya, but he’s too afraid to ask, particularly now.  If he’s being honest with himself, he might not have had feelings back then, but if Tokiya kissed him now, it would be ‘more than just a kiss’, as Tomochika put it.  In fact, he’s thought about doing it a few times.  There’s this one expression that is almost irresistible, when something’s shocked him and his eyebrows are hidden behind his hair, but his mouth opens into this little “o” shape and it would be so easy to just kiss him right then. 

Tokiya shifts closer in his sleep.

Of course, consent is important, and Otoya would never kiss Tokiya without his permission, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t like to.  It’s a confusing feeling; Tokiya is his friend, and of course friends can kiss friends, but they’re both guys and that’s the confusing part.

It’s not that Otoya is confused about his sexuality.  He came to terms with the fact that gender had nothing to do with romantic attraction years ago, back when he kissed one of his male classmates on a dare and became infatuated with him.  He’s fallen for women too, like Haruka.  In fact, that’s what he had expected an adult crush to be like: warm and constant, more like friendship but with the need to make her smile.  It wasn’t necessarily passionate, but it was devoted. 

Tokiya is different.  It’s still not the lust of his early teenage years, where anything remotely attractive that he saw caused some sort of spark in him, but it’s still electric.  Otoya knows unequivocally that he would die for Tokiya if there were some sort of danger.  There’s no speculation—no mildly unsure emotions in his chest about whether he would do it regardless of him saying it—only a need for him to be safe and healthy.  And friends can be like that too!  He would do the same for any of STARISH.  But Tokiya is different.  Just the idea of Tokiya staring something like that down makes him feel ill.

Tokiya coughs, and Otoya half-expects him to raise his head and apologize before scrambling away like he’s been burned, but instead he just lays his head back where it was.  It can’t be comfortable, with his neck like that, and Otoya hasn’t drawn a line in a few minutes while he’s been trapped in his thoughts.  He sets his pencil and drawing pad down. 

He should really move, he knows.  Wake Tokiya up, get him in bed, probably go to bed himself, but Tokiya smells like vanilla and the canned coffee they’d gotten out of the vending machines earlier, and it’s comforting.  It’s comforting to have someone there, comforting to feel a warm body that’s chosen to be next to him.  He rests his head against Tokiya’s and inhales the scent of his mint conditioner. 

He can sit here for just a little while longer, he tells himself.  Just until Tokiya wakes up again. 

 

By the end of March, Otoya is almost bored.  The holiday season was constantly busy with tons of events and gigs and it felt like they barely had a moment to breathe.  But once White Day is over, it’s an idol’s dead season until Golden Week. 

“You should take the time to start a new song!” Reiji tells him after he lazes around on the couch long enough to start tracing patterns in the popcorn ceiling.  “Your finals are in just over a year; it wouldn’t hurt to be ready for them.”

Otoya knows he’s right, logically.  They cut it way too close with Roulette, and although they passed the duets, it wasn’t their best work.  Otoya knows that instinctively: he and Tokiya can do better.  They can reach inside of themselves more, share their love with their fans more.  Roulette was rushed, even if it did mean a lot to him. 

Unfortunately, their finals are intimidating to think about.  One solo song, one group song.  Both have to reach an audience, reveal a hidden part of oneself, communicate meaning, and be marketable.  And that’s a lot of things at once.

Otoya tries writing a few things, but in the end, that gets frustrating and he drops doing that too. 

The time they have means he naps a lot, and when he naps, he can’t sleep at night, which means he wanders around at midnight.  It’s cold, cool wind tickling the nape of his neck, but it feels good after being under the kotatsu so often.  There’s something about the outdoors that clears his thoughts.  It’s quiet, but the sounds of the city are still there.  It’s not isolating.  It’s comforting.

He walks around the lake and strays off the path, since he’s walked it three times already this week.  The grounds of the Shining Agency are built from hills, each building risen from the previous one, and it’s quite imposing at first glance.  It’s also a bit of a workout to climb up, but he’s in decent shape.  He feels minor twinges of exertion in his thighs and calves, but by the time he reaches the top, it doesn’t matter anymore, because he’s captivated.

The wall is lower here because of the slope—Otoya stands on the apex of the hill, just behind the last building—so he can see over it, and the view is breathtaking.  The lights of Tokyo twinkle back at him, looking like stars in the vast darkness as the city winds down to sleep.  Otoya can tell some of the wards by just how much activity there is, and others seem to be dark aside from street lights, uniformly placed in grids and interrupted by the occasional house light.  It reminds him of the trip he took to Tokyo Tower with his school when he was nothing more than a precocious ten-year-old, staring out at the city with wide eyes.  That was during the day, and his teacher had eventually had to take his hand to lead him away from such a sight. 

Tokyo is his home, and it has been for his entire life.  He can feel the city pulsing in his veins, the comfort of being one among millions settling into his blood.  He thrums with the energy of the late-night workers, of the mothers trying to get their children to bed, of the forgotten, the hopeless, the people who also can’t sleep.  Never before has he felt this sort of solidarity in his life.  He feels almost like, if he stuck out a hand, someone would take it and twine their fingers with his, even though there’s no one else awake on the campus. 

He’s not sure how long he stands there, transfixed by the scenery, but it’s well after three in the morning before he makes his descent back to their room.  It feels somewhat like he’s a completely different person now than he was just moments before.  He’s not entirely sure what’s changed in him, but now there’s this warm feeling in his chest.  It’s nestled deep in his rib cage, just under where his heart is, and he touches it because it’s strong enough that he expects to feel something on the outside too.

His identity, and who he is as a person, that’s all in there somewhere, tangled up in confused, knotted threads.  He is Otoya Ittoki, but that’s not enough, he knows.  He wants love and somewhere that he belongs, somewhere to go back to when things get scary or tough.  He craves a home. 

But maybe home isn’t as far away as he once thought.


	12. Past & Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otoya doesn't get to choose when his secret comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been meaning to post this for three days now, but late is better than never, I suppose.
> 
> Atsuko, Takeshi, and Maho are completely my creation; I'm sure there's some episode of the anime that gives names, but I was too lazy, so consider that part of the canon divergence too.
> 
> I have no idea what the rules UtaPri uses for their orphanages, but I'm sticking with what actually happens. At the age of 15, kids are generally no longer allowed to live in the orphanage, regardless of their school status. For this reason, a lot of them never go to high school and stay with their middle school educations, because they have to work in order to pay rent for somewhere to live and food to eat. I've ignored a lot of the implications of this, but I did mention it in the chapter, so I felt like I needed to explain.
> 
> Yes, I know next chapter is the one you're all waiting for, and I'll try not to forget to post it like I did this one.

On the Sunday before his birthday, Otoya goes to the orphanage he calls home, or once called home, at least.  It still feels like home, nostalgia in every wall, bright smiles and high-pitched voices calling him “Oto-niichan!” He sweeps all of them up in his arms, presses kisses against their foreheads and asks how they’ve been.  They’re his brothers and sisters, even the ones who came to the orphanage after he’d already left for Saotome Academy.  He’s been coming here every weekend since he left without exception. 

This is what made him what he is today.  He wouldn’t be who he is without these beautiful, lonely souls around him. 

Besides, he couldn’t stomach the thought of abandoning them. Even the ones who have aged out at fifteen he still keeps in contact with, and now that he’s an idol, he makes sure they have somewhere to sleep at night and meals when they need them. 

But today is for the younger kids. 

The really young ones are the ones who get most excited for his visits.  They climb on him and swing on his arms like they’re monkey bars, and Otoya is grateful for his workout regimen, because it’s definitely rough on him.  Still, he’d never complain, even if he does have to grit his teeth. 

“Come play dolls with me!” Atsuko, a seven-year-old, insists.

“No!  Soccer!” Takeshi pulls on Otoya’s hand insistently, and he almost groans.  The two of them are always bickering. 

“Have you finished your homework?” he asks both of them, playing the role of big brother dutifully.

The guilty looks they have on says everything Otoya needs to know.

“Aniki!”

Otoya barely catches the four-year-old barreling towards him before she knocks him over.  “Whoa there!  No running, remember?”

Maho grins at him, completely unrepentant.  “I drew something for you!  Come look!”

The bell to the front door jingles, and he leans down to pat her on the head.  “In just a second, okay?  Let me help out Auntie.”

She nods, but also grabs his hand as if she wants to ensure that’s the only place he’s going.

“I wanna come too!” Takeshi insists.  He takes Otoya’s other hand, only to have Atsuko insist that’s not fair, and honestly, he’s never wanted to be an octopus more than he does in this moment.  Eventually, he gets Atsuko to take his elbow and that’s sufficient enough to walk the five steps it takes to get inside.

Greeting new visitors is important; every visitor could be a new parent to one of them, and while he’ll miss them, they need a better chance at a new life.  Having a home will give them that.  He pastes on his brightest smile as he enters, hoping to seem cheery and confident, even as the kids have started to cower behind him.  If people recognize him, it’s good PR for the orphanage: more visitors means more kids adopted.

And then his brain catches up and he feels like he’s had a bucket of water dumped on him.

“Tokiya?” he asks, staring at his roommate and trying not to convey how much he’s freaking out. 

To his credit, Tokiya looks just as panicked as he is.  There’s no way he’s here to adopt a kid—help out at an orphanage, maybe—but he just splutters for a few moments. 

Dread has started to slide down Otoya’s spine, like an ice cube against his skin.  Tokiya can’t know, he can’t understand just how much this place means to him.  He can’t know that Otoya is from here, that he’s different from the rest of STARISH, that he’s homeless without a place to run to if things go badly.  He can’t know Otoya’s desperation to do well stems partially from the fact that he has nowhere else to go.

“Do you want some help?”

Tokiya’s question is hesitant, almost like he wasn’t sure he was supposed to ask it, and Otoya’s panic ebbs, just a little bit.  This is Tokiya branching out and doing good, and he would be lying if he said it wasn’t good to see.  Besides, Otoya doesn’t have to tell the entire truth.  Tokiya can think Otoya’s here helping out too.  “Yeah,” he says, and waves him over to the coat closet, Maho, Atsuko, and Takeshi still behind him.  They stare at Tokiya distrustfully, and Otoya decides that’s the last expression he wants them to wear.  He kneels down to their height to talk to them.  “Hey guys, this is my roommate, Tokiya.  He’s really good at a lot of things . . . like . . . everything!  So he’s going to be playing with us this morning, right?”

“Everything?” Maho asks.  “Even drawing?”

“He’s really good at drawing!  Right, Tokiya?”  Otoya glances back over his shoulder at the obviously shy and uncomfortable idol.  He’s standing back too, like Otoya is the barrier protecting him. 

“I enjoy drawing,” he finally stammers.

Maho, ever the ray of sunshine, looks at him for another moment before grabbing Otoya’s hand once again and Tokiya’s in her other one.  “I wanted to show Aniki my drawing, but you can come too,” she announces, and marches them over to the craft room without any further ado. 

Otoya has to stifle a chuckle at Tokiya’s shocked expression.

She’s drawn her and Otoya playing, but then she says it’s not done yet and waves them off.  She immediately picks up a dark blue crayon though, and Otoya has a feeling he knows what she’s adding.

“Oto-nii?  I need help with my math homework!”

He blanches, hearing that call.  Math was never his strong suit, and he’s spent countless hours trying to remember algebra with them.

Luckily, Tokiya puts his hand on Otoya’s shoulder.  “I’ve got it.”

“You’re sure?”

Tokiya nods, gives the barest hint of a smile, and then seats himself at the table with their textbooks spread out. 

Otoya makes sure to stay in the same room as them for a while as more kids crowd him, just to make sure Tokiya doesn’t feel too uncomfortable, but he seems at ease now that there’s something he can help with.  He’s endlessly polite with the kids, and he treats them like equals rather than children.  He never talks down to them.  And when Hana says she’s too dumb to learn math, Tokiya very gently reproaches her.  “You’re not dumb.  You just haven’t had as many opportunities to learn it.”

Otoya knows Tokiya’s public persona, and this isn’t it.  This is genuine Tokiya Ichinose, awkward and probably a little scared, but still one of the best people Otoya knows.  It’s reassuring and delightful and all of these other emotions that have his chest aching and his mind melting into a puddle of warm goo.  He’s never wanted to reach out to Tokiya more than he does in this moment, if only to keep a hand on his shoulder and thank him.

The kids are a good distraction away from all of these feelings though.  There’s something new, something under the surface that Otoya isn’t sure he likes, but he doesn’t have a chance to think about it before there’s another child climbing on him, asking for his help or his opinion or wanting to show him something.  That’s what he’s here for anyways, he reminds himself, not to think about Tokiya.  When he moves into the yard, he forgets about it completely.

After a while though, he recognizes the signs of them stalling, which means they must be anticipating his departure soon.  He always leaves around noon—it’s early enough that Reiji doesn’t ask questions and Tokiya is usually gone at that point—and although he hasn’t been watching what time it is, he knows he should probably keep that routine.  He and Tokiya both have things to do.

When he comes back inside, he sees Tokiya helping out one of the newer kids, Minato, with his English homework.  He’s shy, and doesn’t say much, but he’s looking at Tokiya with reverence, and it takes Otoya a moment to realize Tokiya is speaking in fluent English. 

Tokiya is amazing, he thinks, and he can’t help but smile.

Tokiya seems open to the idea of leaving, although Otoya has to get the sleeping Atsuko off of his legs before he can stand.  They’re already asking when he can come back, and Tokiya promises them he will return.  Otoya hopes he means it, and the nod he receives when he’s seen again makes him believe it.  There’s something about Tokiya’s gaze there, like he’s stripped away all of Otoya’s layers and can see right through him, that makes him uncomfortable. 

Tokiya should know, and Otoya knows that. 

It takes about ten minutes to say goodbye, and when they exit to the street, disguises on, Otoya knows he has to explain. “Why don’t we get a sweet potato?” he suggests, mostly to stall for time.  His brain is stuck in limbo as he works out trying to explain all of this to Tokiya.  Will he feel betrayed that Otoya never told him?  Will he look down on him now, or think he’s a liar, or worse, think that Otoya has made the entire thing up?”

It really shocks him when Tokiya starts with “so, you spend your Sundays volunteering at an orphanage?  That’s not really something you have to hide.”

Otoya can’t help the surprised sound that leaves his mouth, both skeptical and unamused.  Tokiya’s playing with him, surely.  That look back there, it told him Tokiya figured it out.

Except that he hasn’t, Otoya realizes when Tokiya looks up, his mouth parted in that little ‘o’ that he only does when he’s really surprised.  Shame makes him avert his gaze, the acid in his mouth making him set the sweet potato in his lap.  He’s going to have to tell him, and he doesn’t want to see Tokiya’s reaction.  “I’m not volunteering.”  He looks up at the cloudless sky and wonders why it won’t swallow him up.  “I didn’t realize you didn’t figure it out.”

“Figure what out?” Tokiya prompts.

It’s hard to breathe, let alone speak.  Otoya’s throat feels like it’s swollen to three times its size, and he wants desperately to run.  “That’s where I’m from.  The orphanage.  I grew up there.  I’ve never known my dad, and my mom died in a plane crash when I was a kid.  So, I went to live there.  It’s my home.”  He screws his eyes shut and waits for whatever is going to come.  The anger, the pity, the betrayal . . .

“That’s why they call you ‘Nii-chan’,” Tokiya says as if to clarify.

“I’m one of them.”

Tokiya is quiet for a long moment, and the seconds that tick by are agonizing.  He regrets this, he just wants to leave, and pretend none of this ever happened.  He should have lied, he shouldn’t have told Tokiya the entire truth, he shouldn’t have done something—

“You’re incredible.”

For a moment, Otoya thinks he’s misheard it.  He swings his head over to look at Tokiya, who is so close their legs are touching, and he thinks he must be hallucinating the gentle expression on his roommate’s face. 

“You’ve literally managed to make all of this happen on your own and that’s amazing.  That’s the kind of story movies and books get written about.  But . . . they’re not your home now.  We are.” 

The sound of words he’s been dreaming about for years hits him, and for a moment, it’s like the entire world has turned upside down.  There’s a ringing in his ears, a heaviness in his chest, and time has stopped. 

He has a _home_.

It’s not physical but it’s better.  It’s permission, it’s the confirmation that someone else cares about him as much as he cares about them, and the fact that it’s _Tokiya_ , of all people . . .

He doesn’t even realize he’s crying until he feels something wet and warm roll down his cheek.

He can’t stop now, all of the emotions are just running out of him faster than he can control.  He tries to wipe away his tears, only for Tokiya to capture them with his thumb.  His hands are cold, but they feel nice on his flushed face.  He wants to say something to thank him, but the only thing that comes out is Tokiya’s name, and he wipes away another tear before pulling him in close.  It’s not a hug—that would be bizarre in public—but Otoya can feel the warmth of his cheek and he can bury his face in Tokiya’s jacket to try to hide it a little bit.  Tokiya is humming something low and reassuring.  It’s embarrassing and humiliating but he feels warm.  He feels loved.  And that only makes him cry harder, because he knows this feeling, and he’s felt this feeling before, but he’s also spent all of that time thinking it was just Tokiya being nice, not Tokiya inviting him into a permanent place of his heart.

It takes him a while to get used to that thought.  Home doesn’t move.  Home doesn’t vanish, it doesn’t leave; in some way, Tokiya is promising to stay.  He’s promising STARISH will stay. 

But Tokiya . . . Tokiya intends to stay.  And that means everything.

When he pulls back, wiping the tears from his face, Tokiya gently readjusts his glasses so that they sit right on his nose.  His hands linger just a second longer than they need to, and Otoya looks up at him through the lenses.  The sunlight hits his face just right so that it looks like he’s glowing, ephemeral and beautiful and flawless.  He wants to run his hand over those planes, to see if they’re really the porcelain they appear to be.  But he doesn’t, because he doesn’t want to startle Tokiya and now isn’t really the best time to do it anyways.

So, he deflects, asking about Tokiya’s humming, but in the back of his mind, he can’t help but wonder what that desire means.  But perhaps that’s a thought for another day.  He’s already had his world turned upside down once today.  Tomorrow is another day, one that Tokiya will be there for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would die for Tokiya Ichinose.


	13. Happy Birthday!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otoya receives a gift he wasn't expecting to receive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I KNOW I JUST POSTED 24 HOURS AGO BUT I WAS TOO EXCITED FOR THIS CHAPTER SO COME AT ME
> 
> This was one of my favorite chapters in Independence, and it was an absolute pleasure to write it from the other side too. 
> 
> Someone asked in Independence why Reiji would need to go elsewhere to bake a cake, and the answer is that very few Japanese kitchens are equipped with ovens. Most of them have toaster ovens, which, considering they would need to feed 11 people with that cake, it wouldn't really be plausible to do it in that small of an appliance.
> 
> Also, thanks for the love on the last chapter!! I know I don't respond to comments quickly, but they really do turn around my day, to know that you're reading and enjoying it!

Otoya’s birthday is usually a quiet day.  There’s always so much chaos, being so close to the beginning of the school year, and it’s almost reassuring to have it go mostly unrecognized.  Reiji and Tokiya both act oblivious to it, and when Reiji asks him to go to the convenience store for bread in the afternoon, he doesn’t think anything of it.

When he opens the door and there’s ten people shouting surprise at him, he jumps so high he’s shocked his head doesn’t hit the ceiling.

It’s his first ever birthday party, and judging by the smug grin on his face, Tokiya was the person who planned it.  He’s practically preening as he makes sure everyone’s cups are full, and he keeps ruffling Otoya’s hair every time he walks by.  It’s the happiest Otoya can remember seeing him look outside of when he sings.  It’s a _very_ good look on him.

His gifts range from a pack of premium guitar picks from Ranmaru to a new pair of brand-name soccer cleats from Ren.  All of his gifts are precious to him though, regardless of how large they are.  He promises Masato he’ll write daily in the journal he’s given.  Natsuki insists on him wearing the special Piyo-chan barrette in his hair to signify he’s the birthday boy, and Otoya can’t argue, particularly when he puts the matching one on Syo.  Reiji’s homemade cake is delicious, and even Camus doesn’t argue, although he does break out the extraordinary sweets of his homeland when it’s gone.  Cecil shoves Natsuki’s cake to the side, but at some point in the chaos, Ranmaru starts spluttering, a slice of the semi-gelatinous substance on a plate in front of him.

Ren proceeds to snack on the remainder for the rest of the night.

It’s almost midnight when everyone leaves, but it still seems too early somehow.  Otoya wants this feeling to last forever.  If his idol career ended now, and all he had left were the memories of today, he decides he’d be happy.  This is more than he ever thought he would have. 

Reiji ushers him into the bathroom to take the first shower, and he does, smiling the entire time.  He really needs to thank them, because Tokiya went to far too much trouble to organize this, and he knows Reiji’s cake couldn’t have been made at their apartment unless he somehow made it in the microwave, and he contemplates how to make their birthdays feel just as special as his did.

When he gets out of the bathroom, Reiji bounds over to him, a wide smile on his face.  “Otoyan!  Say you’ll sing a song with Tokki and I!”  He’s down on one knee, his hands clasping Otoya’s, but that hardly matters, because what he’s proposing might as well be the best thing Otoya could have asked for.  A song with both Reiji and Tokiya?  Two of the most incredible people he’s ever known?

“Really?”

Tokiya nods with just the barest hint of a grin.

“I can’t wait!”  He can’t help but jump, which sends the excess water in his hair flying onto Tokiya’s face.  He looks less than amused at that, but Reiji sends him into the bathroom next and then launches back into talking about the song.

“It’ll be just like Hyper x Super x Lover!” he declares.  “A #1 hit on the Oricon charts!”

Another #1 song would be really cool, not to mention Tokiya hasn’t gotten one as Tokiya Ichinose yet, just as HAYATO and STARISH, so Otoya wouldn’t mind being part of that.  It would be momentous, another event in their lives they could share.

“Do you really think so?” Otoya asks.

“I know so!  With all three of us, nothing else even stands a chance!”

Reiji’s enthusiasm is contagious.  “You know, we haven’t sang it in a while,” Otoya suggests, and Reiji is on his feet immediately, grabbing the disc from on top of the stereo.

It’s loud, and their neighbors probably don’t appreciate the noise at midnight, but it’s too much fun to stop.  Reiji grabs the plastic microphone stand in the corner and starts singing with it, only to try to hand it to Otoya and have the entire base snap off with a loud enough crack that it cuts through the music.

Tokiya is going to kill them for breaking something else.  They quickly dispose of the evidence before he gets out of the bathroom.

When he does emerge, they’re both sitting at the table quietly, not making any noise and trying to act as casually as possible.  Reiji, the traitor, escapes to the bathroom as quickly as he can.

“What was it?” Tokiya asks, obviously onto them.

“I don’t know what you mean.”  Does that sound too guilty?  Maybe he should have pretended he had a cold or something to escape too . . .

Tokiya walks over to the trash can in the next moment, and Otoya knows they’re found out.  Luckily, he just shrugs.  “Could have been worse,” he concludes before sitting at the table with Otoya.

“It was an accident,” Otoya tries to explain.

“It always is with you two.”

Otoya can’t help but wilt.  It’s not like he tries to!

But then Tokiya smiles, and it’s obvious they’re already forgiven.

“I still can’t believe you did all of this for my birthday,” Otoya says to change the subject before he changes his mind.  “This was amazing, Tokiya.”

“We’ve missed your birthday two years now.  It was warranted much earlier.”

Two years ago, he’d known Tokiya for just over a week, and if someone had told him then Tokiya would be the one to throw him his first birthday party, Otoya would have asked if they were delirious.  Then again, there are several things that the Tokiya from two years ago would have never done that Tokiya has done now.  He smiles more now, he laughs, he makes jokes.  He has hopes and dreams and that dead look in his eyes is gone.

Not to mention, the Tokiya from two years ago would have never kissed him.  Strangled him, maybe.  But never kissed him.

He watches Tokiya’s mouth move, and he decides he wouldn’t mind if Tokiya kissed him again.

In fact, he’d really like it if Tokiya kissed him again.

He’s not supposed to have those kinds of thoughts though, and he bats them down.  Tokiya is a _friend_ , just a very good friend, and that first kiss was a fluke.  It didn’t mean anything. 

All the more reason to try again, his rebellious brain says.

“Everything okay?”

Tokiya is currently looking at him, concerned, and Otoya’s resolve wavers.  His cheeks burn, and he stares at the table, although it can’t give him the answer.

Should he? 

Now that he’s thought about it, it’s so tempting.  Tokiya could say no, but he could also say yes, and Otoya would hate to miss out on that.  “Can I . . . Can I ask you for something?”  His voice sounds tinny to his own ears, like he’s not in his own body.

“Yeah.”

Now that he has permission, he has no idea what to ask.  Please kiss me?  Please do that thing that you did in the amusement park bathroom?  “I . . . um . . .”  The words aren’t even coming to mind, let alone coming out his mouth. 

He’s frustrated at himself, because all it takes is a few words, but he’s being ridiculous and Tokiya is going to get impatient any second now and try to change the conversation.

_Please don’t hate me_.

Almost out of desperation, he leans over and kisses Tokiya.  He’s shaking so badly he can feel the table vibrating under his palms, and it throws his aim off a little.  He barely brushes the corner of Tokiya’s lips with his own, and then the significance of what he’s done kicks in, and he pulls back, horrified at himself.  That’s probably just made everything awkward and now Tokiya will never talk to him again.  “Sorry,” he tries to say, but it’s barely audible even to his own ears.

A cold hand closes around his wrist.  Tokiya’s other hand comes up to Otoya’s jaw, and for a moment, he’s convinced Tokiya is going to slap him.  Instead, he pulls him in again, and Otoya can’t help the shocked gasp that comes out of his mouth as Tokiya kisses him. 

It’s different from the amusement park.  Tokiya had been rough then, claiming Otoya’s mouth without question.  Now, he’s gentle.  It takes a moment to register, but Otoya eventually realizes it’s an invitation.  Go ahead, it says, and after waiting another moment, just to make sure Tokiya is sure, he does.

Tokiya tastes like toothpaste this time, the sharp mint cool against his tongue as he trails it over Tokiya’s lips.  He’s granted access a moment later, a light grip in his hair almost pulling him out in his surprise until a tongue slides against his.  The mint is stronger now, but so is something else.  It’s not sweet, but it’s pleasant, and he can’t help the approving noise that he makes as he explores.  He could do this forever, he thinks.  Tokiya gives a shuddering exhale when Otoya licks over the ridge at the top of his mouth, and that’s when Otoya knows he has to stop.  He’s so curious now, about what it would be like to straddle Tokiya’s lap and whether Tokiya would stop him, but they can’t do that, not now, and not just because Reiji is in the bathroom. 

He’s in love with Tokiya Ichinose.  And the fact that Tokiya isn’t in love with him means that he can’t push beyond this; he shouldn’t have even pushed this far. 

He pulls away, savoring the look on Tokiya’s face.  He’s panting, his entire face flushed a beautiful crimson, and his mouth chases after Otoya’s for just a fraction of a second after they part.

He’s so _beautiful_.

Tokiya moves his hand to cup Otoya’s chin and drags his thumb over his lower lip.  The sensation makes him jump, sending little shocks of pleasure all the way down to his toes.  “Happy birthday,” he says, and that tone is the most erotic thing he’s ever heard.  It’s low and seductive, and Otoya’s knees give out, his hand touching his own lips as soon as Tokiya’s is gone.  He can’t believe he didn’t just hallucinate that.  He thinks about Tokiya saying other things in that voice, and it’s almost too much.  Tokiya is right there, staring at him with an inscrutable expression, but it’s not displeased.  In fact, he seems a little too soft to be anything other than happy. 

“You two are quiet.”

Reiji’s voice brings all of the thoughts in Otoya’s brain to a crashing halt, and then chaos breaks loose as he wonders how much their mentor saw.  Did he see them kiss?  Did he hear Tokiya’s words?  “I’m going to bed!” he squeaks and then flees to their bedroom before Reiji can ask anything further.  Tokiya is strong; he won’t crack under the pressure Reiji puts on him to find out.  But Otoya is weak, and his brain is already a mess, and as he flings himself into the top bunk, he flips the blankets over his head so that he can touch his mouth again without arousing suspicion.  His lips feel sensitive and a little dry from the saliva applied to them, but it’s Tokiya’s saliva, and the thought makes his blush flare right back up.

Tokiya kissed him back.  Tokiya had his hand in Otoya’s hair, keeping him there.  He could have pushed him away at any time, but he didn’t, and he participated, and instead of this dousing the fire, Otoya feels like he’s put lighter fluid on it. 

He wants to kiss Tokiya again.  He wants to know what it’s like to have Tokiya’s arms around him, he wants to know what it would be like to hear Tokiya moan his name, he wants to know what other sounds he can make.  And all of those things are _so_ off limits, because Tokiya is his best friend and that’s not what best friends do.

But it could be, his brain reminds him, and Otoya tries to ignore it.  Tokiya probably allowed it because it’s his birthday and he didn’t feel he could say no to such a request.  The thought makes him feel nauseated, but it’s better than false hope. 

He hears Tokiya get into bed below him, and he wonders what it would be like if Tokiya were thinking about him just as he is thinking of Tokiya.


	14. Gamushara ROmanTic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiji is more than a friend. Reiji is a mentor, a big brother, and a driving force in Otoya's life, and he's amazing, Otoya thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Reiji-central chapter. I might have gone a little heavy on these in the fic, but I love ROT, they're my life. 
> 
> The Mount Mitake hike was mentioned in A Penguin Shaped Travel Pillow, so I thought it was worth including it. 
> 
> This chapter mentions praying at Musashi Mitake Shrine, which a lot of people might not be familiar with. There is a deity at each shrine that you pray to. This shrine is dedicated to the white wolf spirit お犬様, who protected Yamato Takeru from evil spirits. Omamori, or good luck charms, can be purchased for pets because of the strong animal worship there. Once you've purified yourself, you pay your respects and toss an offering. Offerings are often small; 5 yen is often used because it's pronounced like luck (ご縁). It's more about your intentions when you pray, not the amount. After that, you make your prayer (which you can google; I haven't gone into depth on it in this fic, but if you decide to go to a Japanese shrine, I very much encourage you to research it). 
> 
> Apologies for how late this chapter is; I didn't notice how long it's been since I posted.

“Psst!  Otoyan!”

It’s obvious enough who’s hissing at him, and he turns his head away from the wall, still blinking sleep from his eyes as he tries to find Reiji.  “What?” he eventually says when he can’t see him.

“Come down here!  I made breakfast!”

He’s not trying to be quiet, so Tokiya is either already up or he’s gone.  “Breakfast?”

“You’ll have to come down here and see!” Reiji says in a singsong voice.

It ends up being onigirazu with salmon, and Otoya is still half-asleep as he eats his.  “What time is it?” he eventually mumbles.

“7:15.  You stayed up late last night; I was expecting you and Tokki to be asleep by the time I got out of the shower.”

For a moment, Otoya can’t recall why they weren’t asleep.  And then the memory of Tokiya’s mouth on his and that happy birthday that came out almost as a growl hits him, and he’s suddenly wide awake.  His stomach twists involuntarily, and he sets his sandwich down.  He probably won’t be finishing it, he knows.

“What happened?” Reiji asks.

He’s split between two minds.  He could use Reiji’s insight, and he knows he won’t be laughed off, but there’s also the fact that Reiji is their mentor and there’s a strict no-romance policy.  Is kissing considered romantic?  It’s not like there was anything behind it, at least on one side.  Otoya might have come to a revelation, but he doubts Tokiya did.

“Otoyan?  It’s just between you and me.  It’s not going anywhere.  Scout’s honor!”  Reiji salutes, and he looks so concerned that Otoya’s resolve breaks.

“I kissed Tokiya,” he blurts out, and then slaps his hands over his mouth because he did _not_ mean to say it at all, let alone say it like that.

Reiji chokes on his tea.  “What?!” he asks when he stops coughing.

Oh, he’s done it now.  Otoya puts his head in his hands and lets himself sink to the table.  “I don’t know what I’m _doing_ , Rei-chan,” he moans.  “It was so stupid, and it was all on a whim because I couldn’t forget the first time like I was supposed to—”

“—the first time?!” Reiji interrupts.

“I shouldn’t have said that either!”  He pulls his hair, in the hopes that’ll wake him up enough to stop saying things he really shouldn’t be saying.  “This is such a mess.”

“Otoya.”

Reiji sounds serious, but not angry, and when Otoya looks at him, he seems more concerned than anything.  “Tell me what’s going on.”

“You promise you won’t tell?”

“I promise on my mother’s life.”

So, Otoya tells him. He starts from the beginning, from when Tokiya kissed him in that bathroom to now, where he has all of these thoughts and desires that he shouldn’t have.  When he finishes, Reiji sits back on his heels, and he’s not nearly as speechless as Otoya thought he would be.

“I knew there had to be something going on between you two, but that’s not what I expected at all,” he says.  “I figured Tokki would never get his head out of his ass.  Although that explains why you wouldn’t look at each other for the rest of that day at Shining Kingdom.”

It had been particularly awkward, since he hadn’t been able to ask what it was about, nor had he had the time to process it.  His entire brain had been one giant screeching mess.  Not entirely coincidentally, his brain is a giant screeching mess now too.

“What do I _do_?” he asks.

“Be straightforward.  Tell him you want to kiss him again.” 

Reiji is misreading this entire situation apparently.  “I can’t do that!” he protests.  “There is no way he won’t get mad at me!”

“Why would he get mad at you?”

“I’m not supposed to like him!  We’re friends, and that’s all he thinks we are!”

“Are you sure?” Reiji asks.

“How could I not be?”  He puts his head back in his hands and allows himself just one moment of despair.  “This is _Tokiya_ we’re talking about.  He’s amazing, and he should be with someone just as amazing as he is.  That’s the only kind of person who’s going to catch his eye, not some screwup who can’t sing.”

“Who’s a screwup that can’t sing?”

“Me!” 

“And that’s what he sees you as?”

_Yes_ , he wants to say, but Tokiya’s words from just a few days ago come to mind.

_“You’re incredible.”_

The thought sends a shiver down his spine, but he represses it and looks away.  “I don’t know.”

“Otoyan.”

“I can’t.”  He can’t talk to Tokiya about this, not when it could mean the end of everything.  If it gets awkward, it could mean the dissolution of STARISH, which means not only the dissolution of everything he has, but the destruction of Tokiya’s dreams as well. 

Luckily, something seems to get through to Reiji, because he takes a deep breath and relaxes.  “Well, a crush is a crush.  At least you have something to sing about now, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.”  Otoya drags his finger through the droplets of water on the table, chaining them together on his finger. 

“Otoya.”

He looks up again.

“What you said about you being a screwup . . . just . . . you should be kinder to yourself.  You’re amazing too.”

“I’m not.”  He returns his gaze to the tabletop.  “I can’t sing like the others.  I can’t dance as well as Syo can, I’m not charming like Ren . . . in STARISH, I’m nothing.”

“You’re _learning._ ”

“I’m out of school now, Rei-chan.”

“What do you think the Master Course is?”  Reiji pushes his arm.  “You’re just a little sprout right now.  You’ve barely broken through the surface!  You’ll learn and get better in no time.  Just keep working hard!”

“Yeah . . .”

Reiji pushes the rest of his onigirazu back into his hands.  “No arguing!  You’ve got to keep your strength up to keep growing, so eat up!  I’m not taking no for an answer!”

Otoya can’t help but laugh and take another bite.  Reiji is in full big brother mode, and Otoya knows there’s nothing to do other than just go along with it. 

 

The song they sing together is eventually titled Gamushara ROmanTic (with emphasis on the ROT . . . Reiji has some weird suggestions), and surprisingly enough, it helps Otoya get back onto solid ground.  He had thought spending so much time with Tokiya might be hard, considering his feelings for him, but it’s actually easy.  They’re still friends.  Tokiya is still one of the most talented singers he knows.  And working with Reiji, well . . . it’s incredible.  He’s not sure he’s ever learned this much from anyone before.  The only issue comes when Reiji attempts to point out all of the good things Otoya is doing, which causes Otoya to talk about all of the good things he and Tokiya are doing, which causes Tokiya to tell them both to shut up and get back to work.

June marks the advent of the summer season, and it’s just _busy_.  If it’s not a music video, it’s a commercial or a small TV part, and the lines all start to run together in his head.  How Tokiya keeps his acting roles separate, Otoya will never know.  He’s a guest actor on three different shows in one week, and somehow, he manages to do them all perfectly, with the normal grace he does everything with.

“How about a break?” Reiji suggests as they wolf down dinner one night. 

Tokiya barely looks up from the script he has propped against his water glass.  “When?” His tone is sarcastic, and Otoya kind of agrees with him, seeing as they’ve barely had time to breathe lately.

“Next Saturday!  I was hoping we could all go for a hike.”  There’s a strange wheedling note in Reiji’s tone, and Otoya discreetly checks his calendar for the date before recognizing why.

“For your birthday?” he asks, interrupting the minor squabble that has naturally arisen between his two roommates.

Tokiya very promptly drops his argument about the number of things they have to do.

“And you two have been working hard!  I can’t let you overwork yourselves again!” Reiji says, as if Otoya hasn’t spoken.

“Where to?” Tokiya finally asks, and Reiji brightens.

Mount Mitake is one of Chichibu-Tama-Kai National Park’s wonders, and the closer they get to Saturday, and the more research he does, the more excited Otoya is for it.  It’ll be nice to go out hiking together, just the three of them.  He hasn’t had much time to be outdoors at all, minus the occasional late night stroll out to look over Tokyo. 

“I don’t think that will be enough sunscreen, Kotobuki-san,” Tokiya protests as Reiji slings his backpack over his shoulders.  They’re bringing an entire bottle, and he’s already chased them around the apartment with it to make sure they’ve lathered up, even though they have almost a two-hour train ride ahead of them.

“Tokki, look at us.  You’re the only one who’s going to burn,” Reiji points out.  He slaps his hands on Tokiya’s cheeks and holds him there.  “You’re like a little porcelain doll,” he says before kissing Tokiya’s nose like he’s a dog.

Tokiya, predictably, screeches and stumbles back as quickly as he can to escape the hold.

They go incognito for the train ride, sequestering themselves in the green car and not discarding their disguises until it’s empty.  This is work time, they’d all agreed, and they all have their own things to do, but Otoya can’t help but watch Tokiya’s lips move silently as he reads over his script.  How is he always so focused?  Personally, Otoya would rather look out the window, which is exactly what he ends up doing rather than writing song lyrics.

Once they get off the train, it’s a cable car ride and a walk to the Musashi-Mitake Shrine.  It’s a little crowded, since it’s obviously a tourist spot, but they stop by anyways.  It’s beautiful, obviously well cared-for, and Otoya can’t help but marvel at it.  He’s used to Tokyo shrines, that are always a little harried and crowded and messy from the number of people stopping by for blessings.  With the absence of the crowd, it looks pristine.

“Look, Otoyan!  They have omamori for dogs!” Reiji says, calling him over.

“Perhaps we should get one for Camus-sempai and Shinomiya-san,” Tokiya suggests, surprising Otoya.

“I think Myu-chan and Shinomi would love them!  Oh, and here’s one for cats!”  Reiji takes one of those as well.

“Do we know anyone with a cat?” Otoya asks.

Tokiya shrugs.

They wash their hands at the basin before proceeding to pray at the shrine.  According to the stories, the protector of the mountain is a white wolf who takes the form of a dog.  Otoya prays for Alexander and Elizabeth, as well as guidance for himself.  He wouldn’t mind a wolf appearing suddenly to guide his way out of the fog he’s in.

He gives a five-yen coin, in the hopes his wishes will come true.  But when they ring the bell, he doesn’t feel any more guided than he did before.

From there, they start the hike to the summit.  It’s hot, and humid from the rainy weather, but it’s stayed dry so far.  Otoya is grateful the rainy season is ending. 

It’s a beautiful walk, with so much greenery that it’s hard to believe they’re only a couple hours from the city.  He can’t help but point out everything he sees, because he doesn’t want Tokiya or Reiji to miss it, not with so much to marvel at.

At one point, Otoya catches Tokiya staring at him, but when he asks what, Tokiya just shakes his head.

The hour-long walk goes by quickly.  Tokiya scolds him for trying to walk on a mossy log and then Reiji dares him to do it with his eyes closed (and he does it, so take that, Tokiya!).  Tokiya tries to identify a mushroom in the forest that he thinks he’s never seen, but with an image search, turns out to be just an ugly shiitake.  Reiji starts singing STARISH songs and Otoya joins in, singing loudly enough over Tokiya’s protests that he eventually gives up and sings along with them.  They’re finishing up a rousing rendition of Oresama Rondo (which is probably the thing scaring all of the wildlife away) as they approach the summit. 

And when they look over the top, it’s incredible. Rolling expanses of hills, the Tama River below them, the tiny buildings of the cityscape . . . it’s all there.  It’s not as amazing as the view from the Shining Agency, but it’s still humbling.  They are just tiny cogs in the machine.  His worries and fears become trivial looking over the countryside, because in the scheme of the world, they _are_ trivial.

“Wow,” Tokiya says quietly.

“What a view, huh?”  Reiji grins and gives them a thumbs up.  “Worth the trek?”

“You bet!” Otoya smiles back.  “Happy early birthday, Rei-chan!”

“Happy early birthday, Kotobuki-san.”

Reiji slings his arm over both of them.  “There’s no one in the world I’d rather spend it with!” he says cheerfully. 

“Not even in Quartet Night?” Otoya asks.

Reiji hesitates—it’s just a split second, but Otoya knows Reiji well enough at this point to recognize it—but nods.  “My two kouhai are here.  That’s enough for me.”

Otoya notices that Tokiya stays silent, but he does throw an arm across Reiji’s back.  After a moment, Otoya does the same.

They stand like that for a long time.

They have a snack of rice crackers and tea, the apple in Reiji’s bag going untouched because no one remembered to bring a knife to cut it.  Tokiya takes the time to apply more sunscreen, and while Otoya is helping him rub it into his face (Tokiya has _really_ smooth skin!), Reiji takes a phone call. The squealed “RanRan!” is enough to say who the caller is, and Otoya can’t help but chuckle.

“This place really is beautiful,” Tokiya says quietly.

Otoya makes an affirmative noise in his throat.

“I think . . . I’d like to see more places like this.  Quiet places,” he says. 

“How long has it been since you were able to go anywhere without hiding your identity?” Otoya asks. 

“I became Hayato when I was fourteen, so . . . five years now?”

Otoya can’t imagine what it’s like to hide from the world for five years, and yet, he’s going to have to.  They’re already big names, but once they finish the Master Course and start making consistent content, it’s going to be even worse.  No more trips to the convenience store without hats and glasses and sick masks.  No more wandering the streets in just a sweatshirt.  In a way, it’s a completely foreign life.  He’s not entirely sure how to take it.  But Tokiya hasn’t been able to do so for five years, so Otoya knows he’ll survive.

“Does it get easier?”

“Sure.”  Tokiya shrugs and looks out over the landscape.  “It just becomes routine.  That doesn’t mean you miss it when you get some freedom.”

Tokiya deserves to be free, Otoya thinks. 

“Do you regret it?”

“Becoming an idol?”  Tokiya looks over at him with one brow cocked.  “Do you think I would have fought so hard for a second chance if I did?”

“I guess not.”  Otoya laughs. 

“If I had known, back when I was Hayato, that this is where staying there would take me, I would do it all again in a heartbeat.”

Otoya looks at him.  “You really don’t regret _any_ of it?  You were miserable!”

“But I’m not now.”

Tokiya looks at him, and his mouth gets very dry very quickly.  His expression is soft, lips turned up at the corners, and Otoya has _melted_.  He’s so beautiful when he smiles, and yet, he didn’t smile for so long.  It hurts to think about, how long he was in pain for. 

But he’s not now. 

Otoya leans against him, and Tokiya settles there, supporting them both.  “I’m glad,” is all he can say in response.

Tokiya murmurs something softly, and they look over the summit together.  ‘You make me happy too,’ he almost says, but somehow, he feels like Tokiya understands. 


	15. Emotional Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first step is always the hardest, but once Otoya takes it, he realizes it's easier to take the second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter corresponds with the Original Resonance chapter for Tokiya, in case you're confused about where this goes in the timeline.
> 
> I was really disappointed when I wrote Independence that I cut the only Natsuki chapter from it. I don't think I write Natsuki very well, but I do love his charm (and hi, have you heard about my obsession with his voice???).

When Tokiya leaves for a week, Otoya thinks he might actually die of boredom.

It’s not that Tokiya is necessarily essential for Otoya’s survival—it’s not nearly as dramatic as that—but it’s more that he’s always there.  If something happens, he tells Tokiya about it.  If he’s bored, he goes to talk to Tokiya.  And Tokiya is always there for him too, talking and laughing about stupid things.  He acts like he’s annoyed a lot when he really isn’t, and it’s almost become a personal competition to make his stoic roommate smile.

So, when Tokiya leaves for a week to film a TV special in Nagoya, it’s like there’s suddenly a giant hole in his life.

“You act like you’ve never been without him,” Syo grouses the first day.  They’re sitting in the grass, drinking iced tea in the shade and trying to cool down after their soccer match.  Otoya was utterly demolished; Syo’s score was almost triple his own.  “He only started talking to us, what, a year ago now?”

“It’s different now,” Otoya says.  “Besides, when Natsuki had to go for that taping in Kyoto, you were off too.”

“Natsuki and I have been friends since we were kids!  Besides, you’d be concerned about him all alone in Kyoto too!  What if he wandered off or got lost?  Who would look for him then?”

“And what if Tokiya wanders off or gets lost?”

Syo snorts.  “I think he’d figure it out.”  He collapses back on the grass, lacing his hands behind his head.  “Besides, you talk about it almost like you’re in love with the guy.”

Otoya’s heart thuds in his chest.

“I’m just worried about him.  It’s the longest we’ve ever been apart.  What if something happens to him, like a fan recognizes him as HAYATO, and he gets hurt?”  Otoya hikes his knees to his chest. 

“Then he gets hurt.  Isn’t that part of life?” Syo turns his head towards him for just a moment and then looks back up at the tree leaves.  “I hate to say it, but he’ll have to learn to deal with it, you know?  He’s going to run into a lot of people who know he was HAYATO.”

“I guess.”

“That’s what he should write his solo song on, I think.  He’s different now, in a good way.  I think it would be a good idea for him to sing about his transition.”

“You’re already thinking about the solo songs?”

“Ai won’t stop talking about them, so we don’t have much of a choice.  You’re not?”

“Only when it comes to mind.”

Syo sighs.  “Writing a song about who you are . . . it’s hard, you know?  I thought it would be easy; who else could I be but me?  And who knows me better than I know myself?  But then I sit down to write, and it’s like I’m suddenly a stranger.”

“But you’ve grown a lot over the last year!  There’s got to be something else you can sing about.”

“Maybe.  Maybe I just haven’t found it yet.”

Otoya knows, and that’s why he hasn’t written his own yet.  There’s a deep, dark part of him that he’s trying to ignore that wonders whether or not he’s actually grown.  He doesn’t feel like he’s become any different from when they started the Master Course, or even before he started Saotome Academy.  Sure, he’s gained some knowledge, but what does that mean, in the scheme of things?  In the end, he’s still the same Otoya that he was before. 

That thought bothers him more than it probably should. 

“What’s the long face for?”

Otoya slaps the smile back on his face, and pretends to be disaffected.  “Huh?”

“That expression just now.”

“That’s just my face.”  He wrinkles his nose and Syo laughs, obviously taking it in stride.  Otoya is grateful.  Syo is his best friend, and he trusts him, but he just . . . can’t talk about it with him.  Not yet, at least. 

 

He intends to bring it up with Tokiya first, but one thing leads to another, and suddenly, he’s in a practice room with Natsuki, singing a song they just arranged.  Natsuki’s voice is always so clear and strong, much like the man himself.  He’s incredible, Otoya thinks.  He’s got such a mature sound, but he still manages to retain that childlike innocence.  A part of him wonders if it’s not Satsuki’s influence, but he discards that thought almost immediately.  Natsuki’s strength is his own. 

“What if we made this note higher?”

Otoya’s stomach sinks, because the F is a little out of his range already, but bringing it up to an A is going to be very hit or miss.  His voice is either going to hold or it’s going to crack, and that’s risky.  “Why don’t I go down to the C to create a harmony with the third and fifth?” he asks.

“But Otoya-kun, you keep going down.  You should really try going up sometime!  It’s fun!”

‘ _I can’t do it,_ ’ he wants to say, but he bites his tongue instead.  “Maybe.  I just think I sound better in the mid-range.  Besides, your high notes are amazing!”

“I don’t think so!  I want to hear your high range!  Come on, please?”

Natsuki is begging with giant puppy dog eyes, and Otoya wants to turn him down, but he knows there’s no way he will.  “Now?” he barely squeaks out.

Natsuki glances around the practice room.  “Well, yeah!”

They’ve been singing for an hour now, not long enough to pretend it’s voice strain and not short enough that he can pretend he’s still warming up.  “Shouldn’t we take a break?”

“For what?”

Otoya’s panicking so much he can’t even think of an excuse.  Natsuki is going to hear him and then say he’s an imposter and that will break up STARISH . . . he even knows Natsuki well, and he should know that Natsuki would never do that to him, but icy fear grips at his heart.  What is he supposed to do now? 

“Otoya-kun . . . are you okay?”  Natsuki tilts his head.

“I can’t do it.” It feels almost like he vomits up the words, with the rush of acid in his throat that accompanies them. 

“You can’t . . . sing?”

Otoya shakes his head, and his eyes start to sting with the tears that are beading up on his lower lash line.  “Not like you or Tokiya or Ren or Masa or . . . or any of you!  I can’t hit that note, not with any sort of accuracy!  I’m going to let you down, and I’m sorry . . . I’m so sorry.”

“Otoya-kun . . .”  Natsuki sounds awed before he walks over and hugs Otoya.  “It’s okay.  You’re not going to let me down.  Besides, I don’t hit those every time either.”

“You always hit them.”

“I don’t though!  And when I do, it’s a surprise, even for me.  So, please, don’t cry.” 

Natsuki is too sweet, Otoya thinks.  He wipes away the few wet trails on his cheeks and takes a deep breath.  ‘What do you mean, it’s a surprise?” he asks.

“How do I describe it?”  Natsuki’s hand frames his chin and he spends a moment deep in thought before it seems to come to him.  “You know that feeling in your stomach when you’re on an escalator and it’s almost at the top, and you know you have to get off soon?  And even though you know you can make it, because it’s just one step, you still get nervous?”

As bizarre as Natsuki’s explanation is, Otoya knows what he’s talking about.  He’s felt that mild fear and had the occasional bad thought about what might happen if he didn’t step right or if he tripped.  He never has, but he still could, and that’s what makes that tight feeling start in his belly.  “That’s what you feel when you sing?” he can’t help but ask.

Natsuki shakes his head.  “Just at those really high notes.  But then it’s like the escalator.  At some point, you have to take that step, right?  So you go all in and give it everything you have to step to safety, and you hope that’s enough, right?”

“So . . . just try really hard?”  That seems like obvious advice, and somewhat bad advice too.  If he tries really hard, his tone will suffer.

Natsuki shakes his head.  “Just give it your all and trust you’ll step off the escalator.”

Trust yourself . . . Reiji has said that to him before.  “Can we . . . try it together?” he asks hesitantly. 

Natsuki beams and goes back to his sheet music.  “How about from the top?”

This is different from what he did with Tokiya, he realizes.  With Tokiya, he was too afraid to make a sound, and he learned to relax.  This time, it’s all about acceptance.  Whatever sound he makes, he has to live with, because there aren’t any do-overs.  Trust yourself and believe you can do it, he thinks, and then they begin to sing.  As they start to approach that high note, Otoya recognizes the anxiety building in his chest, and Natsuki’s right; it’s the same.  It’s stronger, of course, because there’s the actual fear that he can’t do it, but he pushes that aside.

And then he steps off the escalator.

The note isn’t _pretty_ , per se.  It’s tense and scared and tight, all at once, but it comes out, and that’s incredible enough on its own. 

“You did it!”  Natsuki cuts off immediately and jumps up and down in excitement as he claps.

“I did,” Otoya can’t help but say in amazement. 

“Now do it again!”

They do it over and over again, and after a while, it’s less like taking the step off of the escalator, and more like taking a normal set of stairs, where he knows where the top step is.  It’s blind faith, but it’s the kind of blind that walking around their apartment in the dark is like; even if he can’t see, he knows where it is.

“How did you know that’s all I needed?” Otoya asks when they take a break for lunch.  He’s been trying to get over this for what, a year now?  And all he needed was a pep talk from Natsuki to do it.  He laughs at his own ridiculousness.

“Because I knew you could do it!”  Natsuki takes a bite of a Piyo-chan-shaped onigiri.  “Sometimes Syo-chan overthinks things too, so then he psyches himself out.  He tries to pretend like he doesn’t, but he does.” 

“Any more things you’d like to solve for me?  How to write my solo song?  Create world peace?”

Natsuki tilts his head.  “You’re having issues writing your solo song?”

“You’re not?”

Natsuki shakes his head.  “I’m done already.  Ai-chan said it was really good too, so I’m really excited about it!”

“You’re done . . . six months early?” 

Natsuki doesn’t even seem to realize Otoya is in awe, because he just nods with a cheerful “uh huh!”

“ _How?_ ”

Natsuki taps his bottom lip.  “Well, when Ai-chan told us about the assignment, he told us to think about what we’d like to become!  And I was thinking about it . . . and everything I’ve sang up until our duet songs has been really serious.  But then Syo-chan and I did our duet, and it was so much fun!  So, I decided that’s what kind of idol I wanted to be. I wanted to have fun!  And now, with our duet, I want to keep having fun.  It’s been okay, right?”

He nods.  “It’s been a lot of fun!”  Natsuki is a master at vocals, but he’s also one of the most positive, supportive people that Otoya’s ever known.  Every problem has a solution with Natsuki. 

“What kind of idol _do_ you want to be?” 

Otoya pauses, mulls over that question and decides he’s not sure he likes the answer he always gives.  He wants to make people smile, sure.  But all idols make people smile.  That’s the whole point of an idol.  And for the first time, he really questions what it means to be here in the Master Course.  “I don’t know,” he admits. 

“That’s okay!  You’ll figure it out, I’m sure of it!” 

Natsuki believes in him so much, and that’s probably the most inspiring thing he’s thought of all day.  He will figure out what kind of idol he wants to be, he promises himself.  He’ll figure it out before the Master Course is over. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could literally be the only person with this fear when I ride escalators, but now Otoya and Natsuki both have it, so I'm not alone. :P


	16. Shining TV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Tokiya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is late; in case you don't follow me on Twitter, I had a convention this weekend, and our UtaPri cosplay group actually all got together (all eleven of us; it's like a Christmas miracle!!!!), plus I had a panel to talk about the Lycoris Project, so . . . yeah, it was busy! Hopefully, this chapter makes up for it!

Tokiya’s birthday is August 6th, and Otoya has been planning this celebration for months.  A morning run together, because Tokiya has expressed that it’s more fun together than alone, followed by lunch at Kotobuki Bento, which will morph into a surprise party because Tokiya will be expecting something later, not early.  And at the end of the night, he’ll give Tokiya his present: a set of postcards, all from different summits across the world.  It might be presumptuous, but he’d like to stand at the top of every one of them with Tokiya, to look across every corner of the earth with his best friend by his side.

Pretty much all of that goes down the drain the second they get their game show date.

Shining Agency has their own game show series, Shining TV, and they’ve been promising STARISH and Quartet Night an appearance since March.  He’s been so excited for it ever since it was announced.

But did they really have to pick Tokiya’s birthday, of all dates?

Tokiya keeps saying it’s fine whenever he’s asked, although Otoya knows Tokiya would suffer through just about anything for work.  “We’ll just have to make it special,” Reiji promises, and even though Otoya is disappointed, he agrees. 

He only vaguely remembers waking up that morning; he’d stayed up late to wrap Tokiya’s present and then even later to try to think of more things that would make the day special.  When he finally does wake up, the makeup artist is smudging eyeliner onto his eyelids, and an aide gives him a cup of tea. 

Today is Tokiya’s birthday and he couldn’t even be bothered to wake up to greet him properly?

When he’s reunited with Reiji and Tokiya, he makes sure to give twice the amount of enthusiasm he usually would.  Today is special, and he wants everyone to know it.  One of the producers even promises that they’ll help, and ten minutes in, they’re singing Happy Birthday to Tokiya, who stands in the middle of the stage, flushed and embarrassed, but with that little, silently-pleased smile on his face. 

That’s better, Otoya thinks.

The game show itself is fun.  There are games he’s good at, like scaling a slope that’s slick with dishsoap, and there are games he is definitely not good at.  Keeping a straight face is torture for him—he’s out first in that round. The haiku competition wasn’t his forte either, although no one was worse at it than Syo, who had to try almost fourteen times to make a proper haiku.  And then there was the supermarket cart race, where he and Reiji collided with Cecil and Camus, and very clearly lost on that one, because it was their cart that was tipped on its side with the other duo named the winner. 

They take a short break from filming to eat lunch.  There are only a few games left afterwards: “pineapple run”, “will you marry me?”, and the competitive finale between the two teams with the most points.  Tokiya at least seems to be enjoying himself.  He, Syo, and Ranmaru are chatting about the haiku competition while Masato preens in the corner (and subsequently gets taken down a peg by Ranmaru).

“Hey, Otoyan.”

Otoya turns his head to see Reiji scooting towards him.  “Huh?  What’s up?”

There are tile burns on Reiji’s hands from when they fell in the supermarket cart race, but he doesn’t even appear to feel them as he pulls himself closer.  “If we need you to, can you say nice things about Tokki for us?”

“What?”

“It’s for one of the next games!  I just don’t want you to freeze up or something.”  Reiji gives him a knowing look before he can protest.

“I guess.”  Tokiya has a lot of incredible traits; it shouldn’t be too hard to pick one without outright saying “I’m in love with you.”

“Great!  Start thinking!”  Reiji winks at him, and Otoya snacks on his bento as he mulls it over.  He could talk about a lot of things, but the first thing that comes to mind is just how kind Tokiya is.  He’s a lot of bark and no bite, and even his bark isn’t that bad.  But he cares so much that it’s hard for Otoya to think of anything more.  He’s come back to the orphanage several times since that first visit to help.  When he was in Nagoya, he called every night and described it so that Otoya could picture it in his mind.  And every time Otoya loses hope, he seems to be there to pick him up again.

And that’s without mentioning that he’s fascinating.  Otoya loves spending time with him and learning new things.  Tokiya’s encyclopedic knowledge of the world and interest in philosophy have led to incredible conversations.  Otoya looks forward to every conversation they have together.

He’s still making a long list of things to say when an hour later, the host announces they have to propose to the partner in the wedding veil.  And, of course, Tokiya is wearing the veil.

A quick look at Reiji confirms his suspicions.  He was set up, and this is their mentor’s idea of playing wingman.

Cue the panic.

He barely hears any of Syo’s, although he watches Natsuki pick him up and rub their cheeks together.  Ren and Masato are weird.  And then Reiji is leading them both to the center, and Otoya can’t remember a single thing he thought about in the last hour.

He places his hands on Tokiya’s shoulders and takes a deep breath.  He just needs to say _something_.  Anything will do at this point. 

“ _I’m in love with you, would you marry me?_ ”

Okay, maybe not anything.

He’s uncomfortably aware of the audience looking at him, waiting for him to say something.  If he was going to say something to Tokiya, he’d have rather it been in private, because the extra eyes aren’t helpful in any way.  “This is kind of embarrassing, isn’t it?” he asks to stall for time.

Tokiya snorts.

“Okay, let’s give this a try,” he says after another laugh.  Nothing that he can say still comes to mind.  “I can do this.  Um . . .”

“Are you nervous?” Tokiya asks, sounding surprised.

“You try proposing to someone spontaneously!” he says, his face feeling like it’s on fire.  “I mean, you’re my best friend, and there’s a lot of things I want to say, like how I enjoy spending time with you or how I admire your dedication and passion or even how I feel grateful when you let Rei-chan and I do something ridiculous and just go with it even though you know it’s a bad idea!  Which one am I supposed to go with?”

Tokiya’s jaw drops, and Otoya realizes what he’s just said.  If only the floor could swallow him up.

“Get on one knee!” Reiji suddenly hisses from behind them.

How the hell is that going to fix the situation?  Otoya almost rounds back on him to accuse him of it being his fault, but his mentor pushes him to one knee, and suddenly, he’s reminded of why he’s said anything to Tokiya at all.

_Right_.  He’s supposed to be proposing.

Tokiya’s expression is soft when Otoya looks back up.  One of his hands is pressed to his chest, so Otoya takes the one resting at his side.  “Marry me?” he asks sheepishly.

Tokiya’s face goes bright red, and he pulls away to hide his face in his hands.  But when he looks up, he’s smiling, and it’s such a beautiful expression that Otoya can’t help but stare. 

“Okay, come on kids, good job, back to your spots,” Reiji says, pushing them off the raised platform. 

Tokiya gives him a shy smile, and Otoya can’t help but sidle up to him and put his arm around his waist.  He’s not expecting anything back, but there’s a shy hand that wraps around his back, and Otoya leans into the warmth.  He feels happy, knowing he can say his true feelings to Tokiya, and they may not be reciprocated, but they’re accepted.  They’re _there_.

“I really like you,” he wants to say, but he stays silent.  Maybe Tokiya already knows.

They lose to Ai, Natsuki, and Syo in the end, but it’s worth it.  Besides, they win a little bit of money when the audience votes them as their favorite.  It’s a tiny sum, but it’s enough to pay for the dinner they go out for together to celebrate Tokiya’s birthday.  They’re all loud and obnoxious, and Otoya is a little concerned that Tokiya will get annoyed, but he’s laughing too.  When Reiji gives him the tomato he’s been keeping in his bag the entire day, a candle stuck in the top, it almost looks like Tokiya is going to cry he’s laughing so hard.

“I wanted to do something more for your birthday,” Otoya admits when they get back into the van.

Tokiya shakes his head and smiles.  “It was perfect as it was,” he says, and there’s a moment where his world turns upside down, because he remembers thinking that he didn’t know Tokiya at all once upon a time, and here, the way Tokiya is looking at him, it’s like they’ve known each other their entire lives.  It hits him how much has changed since that day they sang Mirai Chizu together before their debut.  Maybe he couldn’t know Tokiya because Tokiya himself didn’t know Tokiya.  But now that he does . . . a warm feeling steals across his chest and settles deep down.

He might know Tokiya, but he wants Tokiya to know him too, even if that’s a selfish wish. 

“Do you want to go for a walk?” he asks when they pull up to the Shining Agency dorms.

Tokiya is surprised, but he agrees easily enough.  Otoya wants to take his hand and drag him up to the top of the hill, but part of the magic is the climb, so he tempers his excitement and lets Tokiya set the pace. 

“I don’t think I’ve walked this in the dark before.”  Tokiya’s gaze lingers on the pond and the stone lanterns before sliding back to Otoya. 

“I have, when I can’t sleep.  It’s a nice walk.  But there’s one place I like to hang out more than everywhere else.  Come on,” he encourages, and Tokiya follows. 

He makes sure Tokiya gets to the top first, so that he can watch his expression, and it doesn’t disappoint.  Tokiya’s jaw drops, and the tension falls from his shoulders as he stares over the city.  Otoya briefly wonders if he’s having the same revelations as Otoya did the first time. 

“It’s nice,” Tokiya finally says. 

He’s looking at Otoya like he’s a puzzle to be solved, and Otoya knows he’s trying to figure out the context.  Tokiya appreciates beauty, but maybe it’s not the same for him.  He isn’t from Tokyo natively; maybe there’s not the same acceptance that the city gives Otoya.  “Whenever I lose faith in myself, I come up here.  Every one of the people out there could be struggling, you know?  And if there’s anything I can do to make their lives a little easier or a little happier, then it doesn’t matter how discouraged I feel.”

His own reasoning hits him like a freight train. 

Tokiya knows how it feels to be discouraged.  He knows what it’s like to be listless and unanimated, and hate every moment of his life.  It’s not that Otoya wants him to take the same comfort from the city as he does, but he wants Tokiya to understand when he offers shelter.  He wants to be the Tokyo that Tokiya looks at whenever he loses faith in himself.  He wants to be there in the good and the bad times, no matter how Tokiya feels about him. 

“I know that HAYATO still haunts you, and he’s a part of your past, so that makes him a part of who you were.  But who you were and who you are now are two different people, aren’t they?  You’re _Tokiya_.”  He’s Tokiya Ichinose, the incredible singer, but also the incredible man.  The man who has a categorical knowledge of plants but can’t recognize a shiitake mushroom growing in the wild.  The man who is the most beautiful person he’s ever seen, even with bedhead.  The man with the prickly exterior, who pushes everyone away and pretends that he doesn’t have the heart of gold inside of his chest because he’s afraid of it being hurt.  The man who once told Otoya he would need to take things far more seriously if he ever became an idol and the man who’s offered his hand to help him up ever since they met two years ago as roommates. 

“I am.  I’m afraid that HAYATO is the most successful I’ll ever be because back then, I had something to offer.  I’m not sure what Tokiya Ichinose has to offer anyone.”

Tokiya’s admission surprises him, but he tempers his reaction, stops himself from protesting, because what _doesn’t_ Tokiya Ichinose have to offer?  He’s perfection incarnate.  But Otoya recognizes his own thoughts, and he personally would ignore anyone who followed that up with a laundry list of the things they thought were good about him.  “I think about that too,” he admits, and it feels good to say it to someone other than his own reflection.  “I mean, I don’t have HAYATO to compare myself to or anything, but some days I look at myself and wonder what I do for STARISH.  You’re incredible at singing and Masa is good at lyrics, and Syo is an incredible dancer, like wow.  And Natsuki keeps things from getting too heavy and Ren has all of the sex appeal of the group, which leaves Cecil to be the charming one to the audience, and I don’t know where I fit in a lot of the time.  But I try to remind myself that you guys seem to want me in the group, and if it makes you happy, then maybe that’s what I have to offer.”

“You definitely have stuff to offer STARISH—” Tokiya starts, but Otoya shakes his head and cuts him off.

“—My point is that maybe you don’t know what you have to offer, but what you’re offering already makes me happy, so I think it makes other people happy too.  You’re offering Tokiya to the world, and I, for one, really like Tokiya.”

Tokiya is silent for a very long moment before he exhales loudly and shakes his head.  For a moment, Otoya thinks he’s going to argue against what he’s said.  Instead, he takes a step closer, so that Otoya can feel the warmth of his body next to him.  Whenever he offers physical affection, he’s always so timid with it, like he’s not sure that Otoya wants it, and Otoya almost wants to shake him sometimes, because he’s never been in a situation where Tokiya is too much.  “That’s what you think, huh?” he asks.

Otoya nods.  “I do.  And I don’t think anyone would blame you for wanting to be better than you were as HAYATO.  But I think you already are.”

“I used to hate you, you know?” Tokiya blurts out.  “You reminded me of HAYATO, but you were always better without even trying.  It was like watching my failures get shoved in my face.  But you’re not HAYATO either.”

Tension coils in Otoya’s lower belly.  “You don’t hate me anymore, right?” he asks, wondering if he’s somehow read some of the signs wrong.

Tokiya snorts, and there’s a full smile on his face, not just one of those half-smirks.  “Not at all,” he says, and the expression in his eyes is so soft, so fond that Otoya thinks he might pass out.

“Happy birthday, Tokiya.”  He’s not entirely sure what comes over him, but he’s on his tiptoes, pressing a kiss to his roommate’s lips as if they could say everything that Otoya is too scared to say. 

_You’re amazing._

_I’m so lucky to have you in my life._

And then, to his surprise, Tokiya responds.  His head tilts for better access, and for the first time, it feels like they’re actually kissing _each other_.  Tokiya’s hands rest at his waist, the weight both reassuring and steadying.  There’s no rush, there’s no reason to stop, and Otoya can barely believe it when Tokiya meets him halfway between pecks, like he wants this too.  When they part for air, both panting for breath, the little groan Tokiya makes captivates him.  He continues to place little kisses against everywhere he can reach, and Tokiya’s fingers dig into his flesh, keeping him there. 

And then Tokiya kisses him, and Otoya can almost hear the unspoken words. 

_You’re important to me._

You too, Otoya kisses back.  You.  _Tokiya_.

When they stop, it’s a mutual decision.  Otoya takes a step backwards, and Tokiya allows him to, his hands returning to his side.  Otoya recognizes the look on his face from the theme park, although what expression it is, he’s not entirely sure.  It does light something deep inside of him though, makes him yearn for more of whatever _this_ is. 

They can’t say anything to each other right now, and that’s okay, Otoya thinks.  They have a few more months left in the Master Course, and then they can sort all of it out.  Until then, Otoya can recall this memory of being held and the bright, blinding smile on Tokiya’s face, aimed straight at _him_.


	17. Merry Christmas!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their dynamic has changed, and Otoya thinks it's definitely for the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Christmas in July????????
> 
> We're getting ready to transition into the end of this story, so I wanted to take a moment for a lighter chapter, since the last few have been pretty emotional ones. Independence brushed over what Otoya and Tokiya were like after Tokiya's birthday, but before recording their final projects, so I figured we could take a moment to step out and enjoy that.
> 
> This is the last chapter with the orphanage kids, and I'm oddly fond of them after creating them.

They decide not to talk about it, but that doesn’t mean it stops.  In fact, Tokiya is affectionate and warm, always pushing Otoya’s hair back from his face or sitting next to him close enough that Otoya can feel the warmth radiate from him.  They cuddle on the couch when Reiji isn’t home, and Otoya has found his favorite spot is with his head resting on Tokiya’s chest so that he can hear his heartbeat.  But when Tokiya lays on him instead, it feels perfect.  His head fits just right against Otoya’s collarbone, and sometimes he’ll start humming as he drums his fingers over Otoya’s arm and it just feels _right_.

Christmas is a time for lovers, and seeing as they refuse to talk about it, he knows they won’t be doing anything special, but they’ll at least be together, and that’s enough.  They have a million jobs as STARISH, but they still somehow manage to get some time to stop at the orphanage the week of Christmas.  Reiji accompanies them—Tokiya had recommended he tell Reiji about it, and it had gone better than Otoya could have ever dreamed—and between the three of them, the kids are in heaven.  Reiji is the consummate performer, putting on puppet shows and tea parties with excitement.  Tokiya has storytime covered (he’d never admit to it, but Otoya knows he’s been reading picture books in his spare time to choose the best for the kids; he keeps them in a box under his bed).  And Otoya plays sports and rolls around with them, giving them all of the affection they desire. 

They’ve been there for about an hour when Maho suddenly grabs his arm and marches him inside, forcing him to sit next to Tokiya.  “I want you to see my new drawing!” she says as an explanation. 

She’s drawn them—her, Otoya, Tokiya, Takeshi, and Atsuko—several times now in various positions, but this is the first that Otoya and Tokiya are very clearly holding hands.  “It looks really good!” Otoya says, reminding himself that she’s a _child_ , and holding hands is just a sign of affection to her. 

Tokiya obviously doesn’t remember that, or maybe he doesn’t think about it, because he immediately asks, “we’re holding hands?”

Maho nods emphatically.  “It makes you happy!”

“It does?!” Tokiya splutters, turning bright red.

Maho has obviously decided her chair isn’t comfortable enough, because she worms her way into Tokiya’s lap instead.  “Uh huh.  You smile more when you’re with Aniki,” she says, as if it’s a fact.

Otoya has to duck his head to hide his flaming cheeks.

“O—oh!  Do I?” Tokiya stammers.

He’s so cute; Otoya’s heart swells, and he has to look away or else he’ll start sporting that lovesick grin that will give them away.

“Oto-niiiiiiiiii!”

The shout is right in his ear, right behind him, and he jumps, almost knocking Takeshi off the chair he’s standing on.  The eight-year-old is leaned over Tokiya, a familiar plant in his hand as he balances haphazardly on one of the desk chairs he’s pulled up behind them.  “Get down from there!” Otoya chides.  It’s instinct to stand and sweep the boy up, but Takeshi squirms in his arms, trying to keep whatever is in his hands over Tokiya.

“Mistletoe!” Maho squeals.

“Now you have to . . . kiss him . . .” Takeshi says between squirms.

These kids, honestly.  “You got up on that chair just to do _that_?  And you know Auntie doesn’t let you have mistletoe around!  Where did you get that?” Otoya asks him, setting him down.

“ _Kiss!_ ” Takeshi insists.

Obviously he’s getting nowhere with this line of questioning.  Tokiya protests, but Otoya leans down and pecks his cheek anyways.  The skin is warmer than normal under his lips, and Tokiya turns the prettiest shade of pink when he pulls away.  “Are you happy now?” Otoya asks him.  He can’t keep the smile off his face, so he’s sure that stern expression he’s trying to force isn’t stern at all.

Takeshi giggles and runs back outside.  He gets a quick glimpse of Reiji giving the boy a high five, and Otoya rolls his eyes.  So much for Reiji not interfering, although the fact that he seems to approve leaves a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

He doesn’t even think anything of it until they return to their dorm, Reiji leaving immediately for a Quartet Night practice so that it’s just him and Tokiya left.  “You probably shouldn’t have done that,” Tokiya mentions, and for a moment, Otoya is lost.

“Done what?”

“That kiss.  I assume Kotobuki-san knows now.”  Although his words are filled with disdain, he doesn’t sound upset. 

“What else was I supposed to do?  You _were_ under the mistletoe.”  Otoya bats his eyelashes, smothering a laugh when Tokiya snorts.

“Of course . . . because tradition is very important to you.”

“The utmost importance,” Otoya agrees solemnly.

Tokiya takes a couple of steps towards him, and Otoya knows he’s up to something—Tokiya is rarely this playful without some sort of plan—so he instinctively takes a couple steps backwards.  “Since you’re one for tradition then . . .” Tokiya trails off, and Otoya realizes a second too late that his back is against the wall.  He’s fallen right into the trap, if the grin on his roommate’s face is any indication.  Tokiya leans over him, his arm resting above Otoya’s head so that he’s practically being kabedoned against the wall.  “ . . . perhaps I should take it more seriously as well.”

How can he be so suave when they’re alone?  Otoya feels like his face is on fire, and he covers his cheeks with both of his hands.  “I don’t think this is a tradition!” he squeaks out. 

“Look up.”  Tokiya’s purr sends a puff of hot air against Otoya’s ear, and he shudders before he looks up. 

“Where is everyone getting their mistletoe?” he asks.

Tokiya chuckles, and there’s heat suddenly pooling deep in Otoya’s stomach.

“If you wanted a kiss, you could have just asked for one,” Otoya says, trying to swallow the excess saliva in his mouth so that he can speak.

That makes Tokiya blush, but he leans closer.  “Alright.  May I have a kiss?” he asks, like he’s just asked for a cup of sugar or the metronome off the desk.

Even if Reiji walked in right now, Otoya’s pretty sure he would do it.  “It _is_ tradition,” he says, trying to pretend like he still has some chill.  “And it _is_ very important to me.”

“The utmost importance,” Tokiya echoes.

Otoya laughs and removes his hands from his mouth. 

When Tokiya kisses him, his thoughts turn to static.  The only clear thing in his mind is the man in front of him, and he wraps his arms around Tokiya’s neck to keep him close. 

When he pulls away, Tokiya looks incredibly embarrassed, like he can’t believe he just did that.  “Sorry,” he mutters, but Otoya shakes his head. 

“It’s okay.  I don’t mind.”

“No?”

“No.  But maybe we should keep it down to a minimum, so we don’t get caught.” 

Tokiya chuckles and nods.  “I see,” he agrees.

The thought occurs to him that they’ll always have this dilemma, for as long as they do this, and it’s sad.  Even sadder is the thought that Tokiya may decide someday that he’d like something else—someone more stable, who isn’t Otoya—but he pushes those thoughts out of his head.  For now, Tokiya has chosen him.  And for whatever the future holds, it can wait, at least until they finish the Master Course.


	18. HORIZON

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their solo songs are due, and Otoya has to answer the hard questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to apologize ahead of time, because the next chapter will be late; I've got to take a week hiatus for a trip, so the next chapter will be out sometime in the beginning of August, with the epilogue MAYBE on Tokiya's birthday. But I'd have to remember those things for it to happen, so no promises.
> 
> Also, anyone who's watching the chapter count, yes, I added a chapter because I can't count. Consider it payback for when I was posting Independence and combined two chapters (I got a surprising amount of panic over that one . . .).

New Years week is blissfully silent after their televised midnight countdown, and Otoya thinks it’s finally time to breathe.  They’ve been so busy, running from job to job that it’s felt neverending. 

And then Reiji drops the bomb on them that they have three months to finish their solo and group songs, and it’s not that Otoya didn’t _know_ it was coming, but it’s the little bit he brings up at the end that’s the killer.

_“I also want you both to know that this is where a lot of groups break up.  Record deals start rolling in; your contract with Shining Agency ends with the Masters Course.”_

_“One of the members gets a solo deal, and the rest of them usually don’t just band together without them.”_

Otoya hasn’t even thought about going solo.  It’s always been about STARISH, ever since they performed Mirai Chizu together.  They’re a team, they work together, they _belong_ together.

But maybe they don’t.

Every time they get together for a group practice, Otoya wonders whether any of them are feeling discontented with their current environment.  Are they wanting to go solo?  Is STARISH meant to be a two-year group, only to dissolve into oblivion as soon as something better comes up?  He can’t even begrudge them for thinking about it, if they are.  He wants them to have a good life; he wants them to get to their full potential.

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t stress the first two months.  By the third month, he’s practically at his wit’s end.  Tokiya keeps inviting him into the lower bunk when he tosses and turns, and they try to talk it out, but in the end, there’s no amount of words that can fix it.  He’s stressed about STARISH, he’s stressed about his solo song, but most of all, he’s afraid of suddenly waking up at the end of the Master Course and being alone.

“You’re fidgeting again.” 

Masato sounds slightly irritated, and Otoya stops tapping his pen against his host’s table immediately.  “Sorry.”

“What’s bothering you?” Natsuki says.  He’s the only one done with his solo song lyrics, so he’s doodling pictures of Piyo-chan in his notebook instead.  His pencil is hovering over a partial drawing of the chick eating an onigiri. 

“I just can’t think,” Otoya admits. 

“What do you have down?” Masato asks.

“Nothing.  Everything I write sounds too . . . I don’t know.  It sounds like _me_.”

“Isn’t that the assignment?”

“Well, yeah, but . . .” Otoya contemplates for a moment how to explain it.  “It sounds like the me I am right now.  And I don’t want to be the me I am right now.”

“But how can you be someone you’re not?” Natsuki asks.

Otoya sighs and leans back, propping himself up on his hands.  “I don’t know.  That’s the problem.  I’m not cool or sexy or calm or any of those other things that you guys have down.  I’m just . . . me.”

“I don’t see the issue.”  Masato rearranges the bowl of rice crackers on the table.  “You are you.  I don’t understand why you would want to be like anyone else.”

Natsuki nods emphatically.  “There’s only one Otoya-kun.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“We like the Otoya-kun you are now.  You don’t have to change,” Natsuki insists, and it throws Otoya back to the words he said to Tokiya on his birthday. 

“I still don’t know what kind of idol I want to be,” he admits.  “I’ve thought about it for months now, but I just can’t decide.”

“I’m not sure that’s something that you can just decide,” Masato says.  “The future is unknown.  What sort of idol you’ll become depends on a lot of factors, doesn’t it?”

Natsuki nods.  “Ringo-sensei said something about that, didn’t he?”

Despite Otoya’s attempts at staying awake in class, they weren’t always successful, and he has no idea what they’re talking about.  Ringo was a wonderful teacher, and he can absolutely attribute a lot of his success to the education he received, but apparently he missed out on a couple lessons.

“Believe in yourself, and you’ll find your way,” Masato says. 

He recognizes those words now that they’re said.  Ringo used them as sort of a catchphrase whenever they got stuck, and how Otoya didn’t remember that until now is incredible, because he definitely got stuck several times during their classes. 

Believing in himself, however, is harder than he thought.  He works for days trying to figure out how to even do that, and stays up late one night stressing over it.  He’s hunched over the table, putting the last line on another set of lyrics that seem like they might be okay with some work (he’s had about eight sets of these “possible” lyrics now, and every time he’s thrown them away the next day) when Tokiya enters the room, blinking sleep out of his eyes.  “What are you doing up?” Otoya asks, confused.

Tokiya rubs at his eyes.  “It’s three in the morning.  What are you still doing out here?”  His voice is low and raspy with sleep, but it’s still soothing.  Tokiya’s presence in general is comforting.

Otoya gestures to the paper in front of him.  It’s dark with graphite smears, but there are legible lyrics, so it’s better than nothing.  “I think I finally wrote my solo song.  Maybe.  I’ve written three different ones so far,” he admits.  “This one still needs work, but I think I’m going to go with it.”

“You should sleep then,” Tokiya holds out his hand to help Otoya up, and when he pulls, Otoya finds himself against Tokiya’s chest.  It’s warm and Otoya feels the desire to crawl inside Tokiya’s sweatshirt, to get close enough that they’re one person, just for a moment.  He feels so tired and drained.

“I’m scared,” he admits.  He’s not entirely sure where that’s come from, but it’s late and his chest aches from some imaginary weight sitting on it.

Tokiya’s grip tightens.  “It’s going to be okay.”

“What if STARISH breaks up?”

Tokiya doesn’t answer for a very long minute.  “You’ll still have me,” he says when he does, and Otoya pulls back to look into his face.  He looks earnest enough, and Otoya reminds himself that this is _Tokiya_.  He says what he means.

Still, he doesn’t want to risk it.  “Promise?” he asks, holding up his pinky. 

Tokiya twines their fingers together. “Promise.”

He almost asks more questions, like if he means it even if Otoya fails to write another song, even if he can’t dance any longer or contribute to their group.  The only thing that stops him is Tokiya’s free hand, resting on the small of his back even as they pinky swear.  Tokiya is there for him—Tokiya _believes_ in him.  Otoya might not understand what he’s done to earn that trust, but he does know that Tokiya is almost always right.  If he thinks Otoya can do it, knowing him as well as he does . . .

Well, then, Otoya can probably do it.

Tokiya sends him to the shower, and he turns over what it means to have Tokiya believe in him in his head.  As much as it should strengthen him, it doesn’t.  It’s actually a little scary.  He doesn’t want to let anyone down, let alone the person he cares about most in the world.  Besides, if he fails Tokiya, he knows he won’t get that kind of trust again, and that’s worse to think about.  There’s a gnawing feeling deep in his gut that soaking in the bathtub doesn’t eliminate. 

Reiji is deeply asleep when he enters the bedroom (as he should be, seeing as it’s three in the morning), and Otoya climbs up to the top bunk and lies in it for almost a minute before realizing this isn’t going to work.  He can’t even close his eyes without the walls starting to close in on him.  Usually he can hear Tokiya’s soft breathing beneath him, but Reiji is too far away and it’s too quiet.  He gathers up a few of the blankets from his bed (and one from Tokiya’s; he’ll make sure it returns before it’s noticed, but Tokiya always smells so nice) and creeps back out to the main room.

He at least asks permission before he makes himself at home on the couch, and Tokiya spares him a smile before returning to work.  He’s always so focused, like his entire attention is absorbed in just that one task.  He’s writing something when Otoya’s eyelids get too heavy, and he falls asleep to the sound of the pen skating across the paper and Tokiya’s quiet murmurs. 

And then he’s on the hill behind the Shining Agency.  It’s dark, and he’s not alone, although it’s not Tokiya beside him, but Reiji instead.  They sit and watch the city in silence, but it’s comforting.  It’s nice to be with Reiji; he doesn’t have to put on any airs, nor does he have to fight to keep strong.  Reiji takes him the way he is and nurtures him.  He’s like a big brother, or even like the father Otoya’s never had in a lot of ways.  Every time he feels like he’s going to fall down, Reiji is there to pick him back up again. 

“Have you changed your mind?”

Otoya looks over at his mentor.  “Huh?”

“About Tokiya.  Have you changed your mind?”

“I’m still . . . I still like him, if that’s the question,” he amends.

“Do you still think he deserves someone better than you?”

Otoya can’t help the snort that he makes; it’s practically involuntary.  “Of course.”

“And what about the you that you want to be?  Does he deserve someone better than that?”

It’s a hard question to answer, because the kind of person he wants to be is some nebulous, fuzzy concept that he doesn’t know yet.  He just wants to be _better_.  Will that be enough for him to feel like he deserves Tokiya?  And how much better will he need to be before that happens?  Will he be so different that he can’t recognize himself?  At that point, what will make him different from what Tokiya did with HAYATO?

“I don’t know,” he says honestly.

Reiji chuckles and leans back to lie in the grass.  The sky above them is devoid of stars—there’s too many lights in the city for that—but it’s still large and overwhelming.  It stretches out in every direction, as far as the eye can see, dark and oppressive.  “And what about tomorrow?”

“What about it?”

“Will you be that ‘you’ then?”

“Of course not.”

“And the day after that?”

“Probably not.”

Reiji turns his head to look at Otoya.  “When then?”

“I don’t know.  Years from now, maybe?”

That elicits a hum from his mentor.  “That makes it hard to write a song in the next three weeks.”

Otoya concedes the point and looks away.  “I feel like an imposter sometimes,” he admits.  It’s weird to hear the words spoken out loud, particularly since they’ve been bouncing around inside of his head for months, just haunting him whenever he thinks about them. 

“Don’t we all?”  When Otoya looks back, it’s not Reiji next to him anymore, but Reiji’s mother.  Her hair is tied back in its normal handkerchief—green, just like Reiji’s colors—and her apron is splattered with stains, but she smells as wonderful as ever.  The scents of karaage and hayashi rice mix, making his stomach growl.  “I think that’s just part of life.  Don’t you think?”

He is grateful to her for a lot of things, advice included.  She’s always available to talk to him about the future and she dotes on him as much as she dotes on her own son.  She makes curry rice special for him every time they’re set to come in, and with it come the questions: how are Tokiya and Reiji?  Did he grow up in Tokyo?  Has he ever been to Yoshida Park?  Shizuoka is beautiful in the fall; perhaps they can go camping there someday?  She makes him feel like he has a mother.  His auntie is precious to him, more than anyone else in the world, but her advanced age always made it so that he was helping her take care of his siblings.  Besides, when he turned fifteen, he couldn’t stay, and he knew that.  It’s difficult to trust and love someone when there’s a time limit on it, even if it’s just for shelter.  He knows she loves him.  But with Reiji’s mother, there is the promise of easy, unconditional love.

“Probably,” he agrees.  “But most people don’t have to worry about writing a song that exposes themselves for it.”

“And what exactly are you exposing?” She leans an elbow on her knee, the epitome of casual, as she waits for his answer. 

“That I’m not . . . what everyone wants me to be.”

“What else could we want you to be other than you?”

“But I’m not a good enough ‘me’.”

She waves her hand dismissively.  “No one is.  That doesn’t mean you don’t have anything to offer.”

“But I’m really not sure I do,” he admits.  “STARISH is . . . amazing.  All of our members are talented and amazing.  I feel a bit like the ugly duckling.”

“The ugly duckling turned into a swan.”

“Is that how that story ends?”  He vaguely remembers being read stories as a child, but he was the type of child who liked to sleep through reading time, so there’s several stories he doesn’t know the end to.

Reiji’s mother giggles and nods.  “It is.  The duckling sheds its feathers and grows into the beautiful swan it was always meant to be.”

“Maybe I’m more of an ugly pigeon then.”

“I think you’re cute.”  She pinches his cheek then, and he yelps and scoots away from her grasp before she can do it again.  His face burns; now he knows what it’s like to have a mom give an embarrassing compliment.

And then as suddenly as she came, she disappears.  Tokiya sits where she was, his knees drawn up to his chest as he looks over the city.  “Have you ever watched the sunrise?”

Something in Otoya’s chest loosens as he switches into Tokiya mode. “I’m sure I have.  Not recently though.”

Tokiya’s lips quirk upwards.  “That’s because you waste half of your morning sleeping.”

“You waste half of your night sleeping,” Otoya points out.

“Touché.” He chuckles.  “Still, you’re missing out.  Sunrises are the best part of the morning.”

“They come too early.”

“I just think it’s incredible how the world wakes up.  It’s very sudden.”  Otoya raises an eyebrow at him, and Tokiya points out at the skyline.  “Watch.”

For several minutes, nothing happens.  Otoya keeps waiting, but there’s no movement.  Tokiya is silent.  “What am I supposed to be watching?” he asks finally.

“What color is the sky?”

“It’s . . .” As soon as he starts to try to figure out a word to describe the bizarre mix of orange and navy, he understands what Tokiya was talking about.  “It’s the sunrise.”

“But you didn’t notice it until it was already there.”

Otoya nods.

“It’s the horizon.  It separates the earth and the sky, until the sky changes and drags the earth with it from night to day.”

“It’s beautiful.”

“It is,” Tokiya agrees. 

“I wonder . . . what it would be like if the earth wasn’t in the way?” Otoya asks, trying to imagine it.  He can see the faint rays of the sun now, but suppose he saw them earlier.  What if he had seen them transition, would he be able to see the rotation around the globe?

“It wouldn’t have a horizon then.  And you and I wouldn’t be able to sit here and watch it.”

He does very much enjoy his time with Tokiya, so he nods.  “I’m glad we can watch it together,” he finally says as the yellows start to creep over the skyline.

Tokiya looks over at him, and he opens his mouth to say something, but a crash shakes him awake, and suddenly he’s sitting up on the couch, looking around for the source.  “What happened?”

Reiji is in the kitchen, Tokiya lounging on the island in front of him.  “Sorry, Otoyan.  Do you want breakfast?” Reiji asks, whisking whatever is in the cup in front of him.

He feels like something’s just happened, but when he tries to put everything in order, it scatters and he’s left with a bunch of pieces that don’t make sense.  Not that it’s anything new, he muses as he gets up to lean against Tokiya’s shoulder.  All he can do is hope that someday, he’ll figure out how the pieces align together.

They line up sooner than he thinks, and when they do, it’s like that time Syo kicked a soccer ball into his face.  It’s three days before the recording deadline, and he and Tokiya are doing some last minute fretting over lyrics.  Otoya isn’t necessarily _happy_ with his own, but it wasn’t like he was going to get better immediately.  He’s sort of accepted that at this point, he may not pass the Master Course, which is both terrifying and a little reassuring.  There’s a weird amount of relief in thinking that he’ll never have to do this again, even if it comes at the expense of his dreams.  He’s been trying for so long that he’s just exhausted.

But then Tokiya throws down his pen and mutters, “I think I was better at writing lyrics as HAYATO,” and somewhere in between organizing his mental protests to say out loud, it hits him.

HAYATO is Tokiya’s horizon.  He can’t see his progress because it’s still hidden behind the earth, but his sky is now tinged with orange and the sun is going to come out soon so that he can see it.

_He can’t see it_ _yet_.

And if Tokiya can’t see how he’s changed, with how drastic and dramatic that has been, then there’s no way Otoya could see his own.

If he just believes in himself—if he just keeps growing—then he’ll become that person he’s trying to become. 

“I need a new sheet of paper,” he barely manages to choke out.  His entire body feels tense, but it’s a different kind than the last few months has been.  It’s not anxiety; it’s _action_.

“Are you writing new lyrics?” Tokiya asks incredulously as Otoya starts scribbling them down.  They’re writing themselves, and it feels _so good_.  He feels free, even though he knows it’s going to be tight to get a new composition done in time to record.

“Nanami-chan,” he says, diverting his thoughts for just a second before he returns to his task.  “I need to talk to Nanami-chan.”

Tokiya just flips open his phone and types something on it.  He doesn’t discourage Otoya, and that means the world to him.  Instead, once he’s done, he brings Otoya a glass of water, gets the thesaurus out for himself, and they work in companionable silence. 

Three days is a ridiculously short turnaround time.  When he and Reiji did it for Hyper x Super x Lover, that was three days on the vocals alone.  Otoya doesn’t even have his accompaniment until the morning of recording.  It doesn’t bother him though.

He just has to believe in himself.

Tokiya is nervous the day of the recording, and by the time Reiji wishes them good luck, he’s practically vibrating.  Otoya, on the other hand, feels strangely calm. 

He just has to believe in himself.

They leave Reiji behind in the waiting room and walk into the recording center together.  It’s a long hallway that splits into two paths, and right before they have to part, Otoya reaches out to Tokiya, placing his hands on his shoulders.  He’s shaking.  “You can do it,” Otoya says.  He knows Tokiya can.  He knows how hard Tokiya has worked.  Now he just needs to let his hard work pay off. “Just let go of all of that emotional constipation,” he says, mostly to make him laugh.

“Eloquent way to put that.”

“Just show the world Tokiya Ichinose.  They’ll like you.”

Tokiya smiles, and it’s warm and soft.  “You already do?” he asks.

I love you, he thinks about saying, but it feels like too much.  “I do.”  Maybe someday he’ll say it, but today is momentous for a different reason. 

Tokiya steps forward and kisses him, and his jaw is tenser than normal, but when they part, he smiles again.  “Go knock them out,” he says in that low tone that makes Otoya shiver.  “Pretend I’ll be in the room watching you if that will help.”

“I will,” Otoya promises.  He means it; he wants to show Tokiya that his trust isn’t misplaced. 

Tokiya exhales loudly.  “Time to go show the world who Tokiya Ichinose is.”

“I’ll be waiting to hear it.”

It’s their unspoken communication again.

_‘I’m nervous._ ’

‘ _I’m here for you._ ’

And then they part.  The next time he sees Tokiya, he hopes Tokiya will have recognized the orange in his sky.  As for himself, he still has a long way to go before he’ll be able to see the fruits of his labor.  But he knows, with Tokiya beside him, he’ll keep pushing himself further and further, until they can stare out at the dawn together.


	19. Independence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pieces fall into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Tokiya!!!!! I actually purposefully delayed this chapter, and now I'm just so soft at all of the art and everything . . . I'm a mess but that's okay lol.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

The next week is bizarre.  It goes by quickly, once they finish their group song; Otoya’s able to sleep in again, Tokiya gets done with his giant backlog of books, and the ridiculous number of offers they receive begin to pile up on the coffee table.  Tokiya gets one, which isn’t a surprise, but then Otoya gets three the next day, and it’s bizarre because he feels like he hasn’t done anything yet.  Their pieces are still in grading; he hasn’t heard what kind of sound his new outlook on life has given him.

Finally, they get notified that their pieces are done with review and they’re ready to be picked up in the office.  Otoya admittedly rushes through the vocal lesson he has that morning, and by the time he arrives back at their apartment, excitement is racing through him so much that he almost falls off his bike.  This is when he gets to hear how their hard work has paid off.  He’s just as excited to hear Tokiya’s song, if not more.  Judging by the level of dedication he puts into everything, it’ll be amazing.

His roommate is ready with headphones and laptops when he gets in the door, and they immediately exchange discs.  Otoya dumps his bag beside him—he can put it away later. 

Tokiya’s song is titled Independence, and Otoya isn’t sure what he’s expecting, but it’s not what he gets.  For one, it’s got a more modern feel than anything he’s heard Tokiya sing so far.  There’s synthesizer and heavy bass, and the minor key throws him off enough that he almost checks who made it.  And then Tokiya’s vocals start, and it’s not his normal range, but it’s so _Tokiya_ that Otoya can’t help but look at the man in question.  It perfectly captures everything about the new Tokiya, all in a catchy, sensual melody.

This is Tokiya declaring independence.  Otoya can feel it clearly in this song; he’s declaring the person he’s going to become.

And Otoya couldn’t be more proud.

His chest feels tight—in a good way—and he can’t compose words, even after he’s removed his headphones.  Tokiya is staring back, looking just as awed.  “This is . . .” Words continue to fail him, and he tries to get _something_ out, but all that comes out is a stunned “ _Tokiya_ ”.

“Otoya,” he responds.

They stare at each other until Tokiya shakes his head, and then Otoya shakes his head, and the spell is broken as they both laugh.  This isn’t a new side of Tokiya—Otoya recognizes this one—but it’s just a reminder that they know each other, and Otoya couldn’t be more grateful.

“This is amazing,” Tokiya says around his chuckling.

“That’s nothing.  Yours on the other hand . . . wow.”

They listen to Maji LOVE 2000% together, and Otoya thinks for a moment that he can hear their change.  It’s not just him and Tokiya that sound different; all of them sound different.  More mature, more worldly, more _them_.  They sound good together, but they sound like individuals uniting as one.  They’re seven equal legs, raising up STARISH. 

If they continue, they’re going to be great.

“We need to make a decision on those,” Tokiya says, seemingly reading his mind. 

“I’m a little scared to hear what the others are thinking,” he admits.  He wants to know, but on the other hand, STARISH has become almost part of Otoya’s identity at this point.  What if STARISH doesn’t mean the same things for the others? 

“Yeah.”

Otoya almost remarks on how incredible of a response that was (nothing else he wanted to say?  Otoya doesn’t even really know where Tokiya stands; he would have loved a little bit of a hint!), but he decides against it, fishing out his phone.  “We all need to get together to talk about it,” he says.

Ren and Masato are surprisingly out celebrating with Ranmaru, and Cecil has plans with Haruka, so they decide tomorrow is when they’ll meet up.  The idea of waiting that long isn’t great, but he just reminds himself to be patient.  By the time they all come together, their minds will have likely been made up for quite a while, just as Otoya’s has been.  Waiting one more day won’t hurt anything.

When Reiji comes home, they force him to listen to their singles, and he oohs and ahhhs appropriately enough for the situation.  He keeps ruffling their hair and throwing an arm around their necks though, so it’s obvious he’s happy for them.  He insists on going out for dinner, and they go out for kaiseki.  It’s Otoya’s first time going, and all of the variety has him stunned.  It’s like an explosion of different flavors and tastes, each one familiar but elevated.  It’s probably the most delicious meal he’s ever had, and the company is fantastic.  Tokiya is in a good mood and doesn’t protest too much at Reiji’s teasing.  Reiji goes easy on them, and instead they talk about possible future collaborations.  It’s both sad and exciting.  They’re full-fledged idols now, but that means Reiji is no longer their mentor. 

“Where will you live now?” Tokiya asks.  “Or are you doing another circuit of mentoring?”

“The boys and I will find a place together!  I managed to convince them; the Kotobuki charm works on everyone!”

“Won’t that be a little crowded?” Otoya can’t help but ask.  They had three in their room, and granted, one more doesn’t sound like much, but Quartet Night doesn’t all get along well.

“We’ll figure it out!  Tokki hated me at first, but he eventually warmed up.  Didn’t you?” Reiji taps his chopsticks on the side of Tokiya’s bowl, and the latter scowls. 

“If they have any sense, they won’t do the same.”

Reiji acts wounded, but they both know Tokiya is joking. 

“What about you two?” Reiji asks, looking between them.  “Any plans?”

“It’s hard to decide until we know if STARISH is continuing,” Otoya says.

“We should know more tomorrow,” Tokiya says.

“Well, in any case, you should keep in touch, even if you do go solo.  Or maybe you should make a duet act!  You could be . . . Two!  Because one plus one equals two!”

It’s a play on the kanji in their last names, and Tokiya rolls his eyes.  “Glad to see you can still pass elementary school, Kotobuki-san.”

“One and one . . . Eleven?” Otoya suggests.

Tokiya rolls his eyes.

“There’s two ones . . . Twenty-one?  Three?”

“Double-one . . . W1?” Otoya tries out.

“Now you’re just being foolish,” Tokiya admonishes.

“And what’s your suggestion, Tokki?”

Tokiya turns pink and very abruptly shuts up.

By the time they’ve finished their meal, they’re very full, and the only thing to do other than sleep is sit around the kotatsu and talk.  They play utagaruta as they chat about some of the things Reiji has in the future, now that he’s going back to a full-time idol.  They promise to watch his variety and trivia show appearances, and he jokingly tells Tokiya he’ll make sure to see every single one of his daytime soap opera roles.  Finally, it gets late, and Reiji ushers them to bed.

Except that Otoya still can’t sleep.

He can’t get comfortable, he wants a glass of water or maybe a small snack despite the fact that he stuffed himself with enough food to feed a small army just a few hours ago, he needs to use the bathroom, and why is his mattress so lumpy?  It’s all in his head—he’s dealt with his younger siblings long enough to know that—but the knowledge doesn’t help. 

Eventually, he hears the bed under his shift, and he knows Tokiya is awake, because he sleeps like he’s dead: no movement whatsoever.  “Tokiya?” he whispers, so as to not wake Reiji.

“I can’t sleep either.” 

The sound of the blanket being flipped back is all the invitation he needs, so he climbs down the ladder and crawls into the space Tokiya has made for him.  The sheets are silky and warm from Tokiya’s body heat, although they have to get so close in the twin-sized bed that it would be impossible not to feel him.  He snuggles into the little niche, nuzzling into Tokiya’s pillow that smells like mint because of his shampoo.  It might be a little weird, but Tokiya always smells _so_ good.  It’s mint and coffee and just the hint of cocoa, like he might be snacking on chocolate when no one is looking.  Otoya’s never seen it though, so it might just be his imagination, or a very subtle lotion or something.  Either way, it’s become one of his favorite scents.

“What do you think will happen tomorrow?” Tokiya whispers.  It’s too dark to see his expression, but his body is tense, matching the mood.

Otoya has asked himself the same question a million times ever since they set up the meeting.  “I don’t know.  I mean, I think we all like each other, but maybe I’m just kidding myself.”

“You’re not,” he says.  “No matter what, I don’t think this will be a thing of not being friends after all of this is over.  This is a business thing, not a personal thing.”  Tokiya reaches over and brushes across Otoya’s bangs, smoothing them back from his face.  It’s such a delicate touch, but it’s dear to him.  He can’t imagine being without Tokiya now, and even though he’s promised they’ll stay together, Otoya knows that could be impossible logistically.  If they’re with different agencies, or even have different managers, they could be torn in different directions.  It’s a scary thought, because his journey started with Tokiya, and being separated now, three years later, feels a bit like he’s losing his right arm.

“You don’t mind staying with STARISH, do you?”  He means to ask it firmly, and not influence Tokiya’s decision in any way, but his throat is dry and he can’t quite manage enough air for the words to come out the way he’d like.

“I’d like STARISH to continue.  And I will be advocating for it tomorrow.”

He sounds sure, but he knows Tokiya cares about him too.  He wouldn’t say anything to hurt him if he could avoid it, and it’s already going to hurt enough tomorrow.

There’s a rustle, and then Tokiya’s cold hand is prying his own away from his face.  He shuffles through fingers until he finds the pinky, and then he twines them together.  “Promise, remember?” he asks.

His eyes start watering.  “Promise,” he murmurs, moving to hold Tokiya’s hand in both of his.  It’s cold, but his skin is so soft that Otoya can’t bring himself to mind. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Tokiya murmurs.  And then he starts chanting it, over and over again until the thoughts of Tokiya leaving are replaced only with the here and now.  Otoya wants to thank him, to tell him how much it means to him, but the words catch in his throat.  He struggles with it until his thoughts get too fuzzy to do much more than listen to Tokiya’s low voice and snuggle into the pillow.  Tokiya is there.

 

When STARISH assembles the next day, it’s awkward for the first time Otoya can remember since they met in that practice room to sing Mirai Chizu together.  They’re in a circle, sitting together on one of Masato’s super soft blankets.  Natsuki’s cookies sit in the middle, but no one but Ren dares to take any, particularly when Syo very loudly proclaims that they were made when their apartment was devoid of any supervision.

Otoya’s stomach growls, but he resists the urge to try one, just in case they’re any better.  Ren remarks about how spicy they are, and that kills his appetite immediately.

“I’m not entirely sure how to start,” Masato says finally.  “I assume we’ve received offers as STARISH.”

The stack that has been on their coffee table is now pulled out of where they’re wedged in Tokiya’s bag and tossed to him.  He and Tokiya had discussed it briefly; the group offers are lower than the solo offers if they consider them individually, but they’re not that much lower, or at least in Otoya’s opinion.  Then again, one million yen seems like an incomprehensible number; it’s just _big_.  It’s more than he ever thought he would have in his entire life.  But for Ren and Masato, it can’t be as crazy, and both study the letters with scrutiny.

Otoya isn’t sure he’s ever been so stressed in his life.

By the time everyone has looked at them, his nerves are shot.  “I have something to say!” he blurts out before he can stop himself.  “I really love being part of STARISH!  And I love being with you guys, and I feel like I get so much better whenever I work with you.  And I know we’ll try to stay close even if we go solo, but it’s not going to be the same.  So . . .”  This isn’t going to help them come to their own decisions, he realizes abruptly, and he looks at his knees in order to avoid seeing their expressions.  He wants them to do what’s best for them, he reminds himself.

The only warning for the ambush is a quick “Otoya!” before he finds himself on the ground with Cecil on top of him.  “You’re gonna make me cry!”

There’s another weight that’s added, and he can see Natsuki’s face hovering there too.  His glasses slip dangerously low down his nose, but Syo comes to the rescue, luckily, pushing them back up.

“We can always do solo stuff while being part of STARISH,” Ren says, and although Otoya can’t see his expression, he can hear the warmth in his tone.

“Indeed.  It is not a monetarily wise decision, perhaps, but Otoya is right.  We learn more from each other than we do alone.  Breaking ties now would be a mistake,” Masato says.

“Ren!  Masa!” He wants to scoot over to them to hug them too, but he’s still mostly trapped under Cecil and Natsuki.

“We wouldn’t even know how to proceed without each other,” Syo says.  “We’ve never been apart as idols.”

Otoya props himself up to see Syo smiling before he too turns his attention to Tokiya like everyone else.

Of course, the man in question is clueless.  “What?” he asks.

“We’re waiting for you, Tokiya-kun,” Natsuki says.  “I believe the rest of us are in agreement.”

Otoya’s heart drops for just a moment, because he’s suddenly worried about what Tokiya is going to say, but there’s no hesitation.  “We’re all in agreement,” he says briskly.

Cecil and Natsuki tackle him next, and Tokiya falls back onto the grass with a squawk that sounds a bit like a parrot. Otoya almost joins them, because his heart has swelled to about three times its size, but he resists, particularly when Masato mentions they should elect a leader.

“Why do we need one?” Otoya asks as he sits fully upright.  “Aren’t we doing just fine without one?”

“Groups have problems all the time,” Syo says.  “Right now, we have our mentors, but we won’t soon.  We should have someone to unite us when things go wrong or we get into fights.  Besides, we need someone to lead us in that whole group bow thing.  I don’t know why it’s so hard, but we can’t seem to do it together to save our lives.”

“Why don’t we vote?” Natsuki suggests. 

Ren seems to decide Masato’s bag is the best to empty, because he immediately takes it and dumps it all out on the ground before tossing it in the middle.  “Write down your vote and stick it in there.  Blind voting, so no peeking.”

“And you had to tip out everything in there for that?!” Masato chides.

He also has a notebook that they tear seven strips out of, and they don’t quite have enough pens, even with the pen Tokiya has in his bag and Natsuki’s dog-patterned one, but they share them easily enough.  He thinks about the decision hard until Tokiya finishes writing his choice down.  Any of them would be great; they all bring something different to the table.  But Tokiya is the most experienced of them, and the way that he’s come into his own after HAYATO is inspiring.  He’ll lead them through even the toughest of times, Otoya decides.

He’s not expecting his own name to be read six times when they count the votes.  He didn’t even expect to hear it once, let alone a clear majority, and he looks around at them because he’s sure this has to be a joke.   “What?!”  When no one responds, he has to continue.  “What are you saying?  I can’t be the leader of STARISH!”

“There’s no one better,” Ren says.  Otoya recognizes the big brother smile on his face, and when Ren nods, Otoya almost splutters out reasons why he can’t be the leader, but Natsuki cuts him off instead.

“You keep us together already,” he says.  There’s no deception behind it, just Natsuki stating what he thinks is obvious. 

Syo clears his throat.  “Yeah, I mean, you’re already kind of the leader.  Like, when Masato and Ren start getting at each other, you’re always the one who steps in first and breaks them up, and you’re always talking about supporting everyone.  I kinda didn’t realize you weren’t the leader already.”

They’re insane.  He looks over at Tokiya, because he _has_ to come to reason, but he just shrugs.  “I think you’re the best choice.  No one cares more about STARISH than you do.”

They’ve all gone mad.

“Are you saying that you don’t wish for the responsibility?” Masato asks.  He sounds calm, and there’s no indication on his face that there’s anything amiss.  He has the worst poker face in the world, so there should be at least _something_.  “We do rely on you a lot, Otoya.  I don’t think any of us wish for you to be uncomfortable.”

What does he even say to that?  ‘I can’t; I’m not as talented as the rest of you are?’  ‘I don’t really have my life together and I don’t know what my future holds, so how can you ask me to guide yours?’  He’s spiraling, trying to think of _something_ to make them understand that he loves STARISH but he can’t be what they want him to be, when Cecil tugs on his sleeve. “The others were nice, but you made STARISH home,” he says, and suddenly, the pieces fall into place.  They’re not looking for someone to tell them where STARISH needs to go to be successful.  They’re not even looking for someone who is dedicated to the industry.  They just want someone who is going to keep them united as STARISH. 

And that, he thinks he might be able to do.

“If you’re sure,” he says, accepting the role.  They all look around and nod at each other.  “I’ll do my best.”  It’s a lot of responsibility, but he cares so deeply for STARISH, and he really does think it’s the best thing for all of them to stay together. 

“It seems we’re fairly in sync today,” Masato says, dusting his hands off like the last conversation somehow generated a mess.  “Two unanimous decisions.  Minus Otoya’s ridiculous vote for Tokiya-kun.  No offense.”

Otoya doesn’t think it’s ridiculous at all, but Tokiya merely chuckles.  “Let’s look over the offers then,” he says, and the matter is resolved.

The negotiations are—for lack of a better word—boring.  He’s the new leader of STARISH, so he tries to stay focused, but seeing as he didn’t sleep well the night before, and his eyelids are very heavy . . . he can’t quite manage to stay awake.  To be fair, at least he outlasted Syo and Cecil, and he’s not sure Ren was awake when they started the conversation at all.

When he does wake up, Syo and Natsuki are gone, Masato is dozing against his bag and Ren isn’t far away from him, and Cecil is rubbing his eyes as he presumably also wakes up.  Tokiya looks to be the only one not asleep, and Otoya wonders how he can stay awake.

“Did I miss the end of the conversation?” he asks.

Tokiya summarizes it, but really the only thing he understands is that they’re about to make a ridiculous amount of money, but they’re not staying with Shining Agency, so they’ll have to move out of their current housing.  He’s sure there’s more nuances that he’s missed, but he’ll try to catch up on those later.

He starts to stretch to wake himself up, because it’s very tempting to lay back down in the sun, his head resting on Tokiya’s thigh.  Tokiya taps his nose with a finger.  “Think it’s time to have that conversation now?” he asks.

Otoya is lost, but then he remembers their agreement.  They weren’t going to talk about what’s going on with them.  There’s a whole host of reasons not to talk about it, but apparently, Tokiya has decided they should.  It makes him a little uneasy, because he’s not entirely sure how it’ll go down.  “Now?”

“Do you want to?”

Does he want to?  He’s happy where they are right now, with stolen kisses and affection.  But if Tokiya isn’t, he doesn’t want to keep him in that. “Yeah.”  He can’t hope this will end well; the conversation with STARISH already ended better than he thought it would.  There’s no way he’ll have that kind of luck twice.

Tokiya leads him up to the hill overlooking the city, and it looks different in the daytime.  It’s warm and cheerful, but not as peaceful.  There’s active life everywhere, he thinks, not just beyond the walls because good idols are supposed to be in bed before midnight.  When they get to the top, they look out at the city they’ve looked out at several times together before.  It’s harder to see the hustle and bustle without the lights illuminating their way, but it reminds him a bit of the way ants swarm around an ant mound.  Everywhere he looks, there is someone somewhere doing something. 

Tokiya isn’t talking, just taking in the scenery, and Otoya isn’t sure if he’s composing his thoughts or whether he’s expecting Otoya to start, but the second he starts to say something, Tokiya lifts his hand in an unspoken gesture to stop.  “Let me.  I just . . . be patient with me.”

It’s probably pretty complicated—Otoya’s emotions are on the matter, at least—so he nods and gives Tokiya his time.  It takes him a minute, but he does start talking, and when he does, he doesn’t sound very confident.

“For a long time, I didn’t know how I felt about you.  We went from rivals to friends so quickly that things started getting jumbled in my head, and that’s not your fault.  I’m not sure that you ever considered me a rival, to be honest.”

“A rival in what?” Otoya asks.

Tokiya shakes his head.  “I don’t know.  And then I started having all of these weird feelings around you.  I got jealous of a girl you’ve been friends with longer than you’ve been friends with me, but I didn’t realize what it was at the time.  I just did what I wanted and then I didn’t explain myself because I didn’t know how.  And that wasn’t fair to you.  But you never asked,” he says, and Otoya realizes that’s the explanation for the theme park weirdness where everything started.  The idea that Tokiya would be jealous over _him_ is ludicrous, but there’s been a lot of surprises today, so he lets the idea slide.

“I didn’t know what I wanted the answer to be,” Otoya admits.  He’s still not sure he knows what he wants the answer to be, if he’s being honest.

“I didn’t figure out what I wanted it to be until your birthday.”  Heat rises in his cheeks at the reminder of the kiss they’d shared over the table.  That had been so awkward, and yet, Tokiya was still standing here.  “And I still don’t know exactly what it is.  Sometimes it’s obvious and I know what I feel for you and at others, you have me so turned around that I don’t know which way is up.” 

This doesn’t sound like it’s headed in a good direction, and Otoya wants to put the breaks on.  Of course he wants Tokiya to be happy, but his heart is about to be broken, and this is as close to bracing himself as he can do.  “You don’t have to have the answer right now,” he says to try to stop it, but Tokiya shakes his head.

“I don’t understand all of it, but I know that I’m in love with you.” 

The words unfurl in the air like they’re on a giant banner that he’s just now realized what it says despite looking at it every day for three years.  He feels like he’s been slapped in the face, except that it’s good, it’s so good, and for a moment, he can’t believe that’s what was said.

Tokiya Ichinose is in love with him.

Seemingly oblivious to Otoya’s revelation, he’s still talking as if he needs to fill the space.   “I have been for a while.  And you don’t have to feel the same.  I can’t ask you for that—"

_You_ _don’t have to ask_ , he wants to say, but his brain has turned into mush.  It’s too busy trying to comprehend this incredible turn of events, because Tokiya could have anyone wanted, but he chose _him_.  He reaches out to take Tokiya’s hand, his thumb gliding over smooth skin as he laces their fingers together.  It feels right, and it makes his heart hammer in his chest hard enough that he thinks he might pass out.  There’s so much he wants to say, but all he can say is Tokiya’s name and hope that they know each other well enough that Tokiya understands.

He kisses him, so Otoya figures he does. 

Tokiya’s mouth is soft and gentle, as if he’s afraid to do too much, and Otoya tries to answer him back in kind.

_‘I love you_ ,’ he can almost hear Tokiya say.

_‘I love you too,’_ he hopes his kisses say in return. 

When they part, Tokiya rests their foreheads together, and Otoya preens at how close he stays.  “The day at the orphanage,” he says, trying to piece together something that will give Tokiya the same feeling Otoya has right now.  “That’s when I figured it out.”

Tokiya’s hand squeezes his.

“That’s when I realized I loved you,” Otoya says, saying the word ‘love’ out loud for the first time since his feelings began.  It’s scary, but the way Tokiya’s breath hitches in his throat is a sound Otoya would say it again and again for. 

“Our debut,” Tokiya says as soon as he’s recovered.

“That long?”

“I didn’t understand it then, but I do now.”

He’s glad.  If they had moved any faster—or done anything different in general—they might not have this moment right now, and he wouldn’t trade this for the world.  Their future is unfolding, their paths twined together, and Otoya will treasure this map of their future for the rest of his life.


	20. I am Here.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the end of an era for their time at Saotome Academy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll have my author notes at the end of this chapter, but if you don't want to read through them, thank you so much for taking this adventure with me. It's been a pleasure to dip back into this universe, and whether you've followed since Independence, or if you're a new reader, thank you for letting me share this world with you.
> 
> And, one last time, happy birthday, Lana. ❤

“This is it.”

Otoya watches Tokiya with a smile large enough he can feel the strain at the corners of his mouth.  He’s right: this is it.  Their bags are loaded into a taxi, and they have no claim to Shining Agency anymore aside from their completed Master Course certification.  It’s a big step for both of them, but they worked so hard the past two years that it feels deserved.  This is the first day of their new life as idols. 

But first, they’re taking a moment to say goodbye.

They stand on the hill overlooking the city.  Tokiya’s hand is in his, and Otoya squeezes it as a response to what he’d said.  He’s a little choked up, but it’s not in a bad way.  He’s so glad that Tokiya is next to him through this entire thing, that they’re still together and they’re going to be together for a long time.  He doesn’t just have a roommate, but a bandmate, a partner, and a boyfriend.  He has someone to love and be loved in return.  That’s enough to get him through the hardest of times. 

“This is it,” he agrees.  It’s weird; a month ago, before he had recorded HORIZON, he had thought he might be saying the same words, but with a very different tone.  It’s amazing how much can change in that short of a timeframe.  ‘ _Believe in yourself and you’ll find your way_ ’ indeed.  He’s already made sure to stop by Saotome Academy so that he can thank Ringo for his wisdom, even if his thanks came two years too late. 

Tokiya squeezes back, and they look over Tokyo with what Otoya knows is different thoughts.  That’s okay though, he thinks.  It’s not that he doesn’t understand Tokiya now, but he can acknowledge that he can know Tokiya and be surprised by him at the same time.  It’s less scary to look at him now, less like looking at a stranger. 

‘ _I love you,_ ’ he gets the urge to say, but he doesn’t.  They’re moving slowly in their relationship, and that’s okay.  To be fair, Otoya isn’t sure he’d be comfortable moving much faster.  It’s new and scary in some aspects.  So, he’s fine moving slow; for now, holding hands is fine.

“I . . . have grown a lot,” Tokiya says.  His eyes are . . . sad, is the only word that comes to mind, but it’s more of a wistful kind of sad, melancholic.  “But all of that time I wasted, pushing everyone away . . . I won’t get that back.”

Otoya leans his head on Tokiya’s shoulder.  It’s not much, but it’s just a little more comfort.  He supposes this is the flip side of Tokiya’s horizon; now that he can see the sunrise, he can’t help but contemplate the night he came from.  “It wasn’t wasted,” he says.

“No?  All of those times I snapped at you at the academy, that wasn’t wasted time?”  Tokiya’s eyebrow is cocked as he looks down at Otoya.

“I don’t think so.  We had to be there so that we could be here, right now.  If you hadn’t done that then, who knows where we would be.” 

Tokiya nudges him with an elbow, and Otoya looks up to see his concerned expression.  It’s easy to see what he’s thinking—that shouldn’t necessarily be something he thinks was good.  He and Tokiya have talked briefly about how Tokiya used to treat him, and they both agreed it wasn’t well.  He’s apologized multiple times.  But Otoya shakes his head and smiles.  “I’m not glamorizing it.  I’m not saying it was good, but if you had been friendlier back then . . . STARISH probably wouldn’t exist.”

“Huh?”

“Haruka probably would have chosen you.  You would have had your full dream right now.”  He bites his lip, because as he says it, a deep dread buries itself in his stomach.  It’s probably true; Tokiya would have been bright and socialized more, and he might have escaped the whole HAYATO thing earlier, and by that point, it would have been no contest.  A charming, wonderful Tokiya that acted like this would have been no competition. 

A squeeze on their conjoined hands makes him snap out of it.  “It was an empty dream,” Tokiya says simply before looking back out across the city.

Warmth blooms in Otoya’s chest.  When he thinks about his original dream, and what it would have meant if Haruka had picked him for their final project at Saotome Academy, he agrees.  What an empty dream what would have been.

 

Their new apartment has two bedrooms, which is excellent because they can keep all of the boxes they have yet to unpack in the spare room and sleep together in the other one.  It was a little awkward, climbing into bed with Tokiya at the beginning of the night rather than in the middle (not to mention they’d actually had to buy a bed for this apartment, and the conversation about what size to get had been mortifying), but when Otoya had woken up in the middle of the night to being spooned for the first time in his life, he knew it was a good decision.  He’d felt safe and warm, with his back up against Tokiya’s chest, arms loosely around his waist.  He’d felt safe and loved, even if Tokiya told him the morning after that it was because he’d kept trying to roll off the bed.

Their public appearances start tomorrow though, and Tokiya seems to be a man possessed, trying to unpack everything before then.  Half of their belongings are sitting in piles on the floor.  “Tokiyaaaaaaaaaa.  Are you ever going to stop for lunch?” Otoya can’t help but whine.  It’s almost three in the afternoon, far later than it should be, and his boyfriend is notorious for skipping meals when he’s absorbed in his tasks.

“At the end of this box.”

“You said that three boxes ago!”

Tokiya shoots him a glare, to which Otoya just responds by sticking his tongue out.  “This is the box for the bedroom, and half of this is _yours_ anyways.  Like this—what even is this anyways?”  There’s a little wrapped package in his hand, which Otoya recognizes as the one that’s been stuffed beneath his mattress for the last six months. 

“It was your birthday present,” he admits.  He’d been originally planning on giving it to Tokiya after they’d gotten back to their room, but when they’d kissed on the hill before that, it had sort of fried his brain and he’d completely forgotten about anything other than the taste of vanilla chapstick. 

“Mine?”

Otoya nods.  “You can open it.”

He holds his breath as Tokiya painstakingly undoes the wrapping paper.  He’s always so meticulous, taking it all off in one piece, and it makes it torture to wait.  Luckily, the bundle of fifty postcards looks the same as it did before it was wrapped, and he watches Tokiya flip through them with an impassive look on his face.  “Postcards of mountains.”

Otoya nods.  “It’s the fifty most beautiful summits across the world,” he says, looking away. 

“They’re . . . beautiful.”

He swallows the saliva accumulating in his mouth.  “I was thinking . . . once we’ve been there, we could send them back to the rest of STARISH, you know?”

He hears Tokiya’s exhale, and looks back to see the softest expression crossing his face.  His legs suddenly feel like goo under that gaze.  “I suppose we should start planning then, if there’s fifty.”

“Yeah!”

“Or maybe it can wait.  Just until we’re ready to explore, hm?”  Tokiya’s hand comes up to frame his chin, even as Otoya tilts his head to ask the question in his mind.  “After all, we have all of the time in the world to see them together.”

Otoya can feel his smile threatening to split his face.  “Yeah.  We’ll have a long, long time together, Tokiya.”  It feels like a promise.

And when Tokiya moves forward, it’s sealed with a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to end off my major fic with some end notes about my process and all of that, so you're more than welcome to skip this. Mild trigger warnings for suicide, but it does end mostly happily.
> 
> Independence was a very emotional thing to write; I was in an abusive friendship and suicidal, and I basically used it as a "I can't die until I get this idea out of my head" sort of thing. Long story short, fast forward to today, and I'm certainly not dead yet, but I'm also free of a lot of the things that were problems before. But I should have known that HORIZON wasn't going to be the happy, mindless little jaunt I had thought it would be when I sat down to write it.
> 
> The first chapter of HORIZON was written in October of 2018 (if you've been following me since Independence, you may remember that's about the time Mistaken Method came down; it was written right before that whole breakdown), and I mostly wanted to prove that I was unaffected by a lot of the popularity Independence received. I was getting a lot of death threats and such from people who were unhappy by the way I'd characterized Tokiya, and I was insisting that they didn't bother me. I was wrong, they did, and it was a few very kind, well-said words from Lana that kept me from deleting everything and retreating back into some corner of the internet that no one could find me. Instead, I dropped everything I was writing and took a break from writing to get my head back into a good place. I also went temporarily blind thanks to a work accident right after that, so . . . yeah, I had to take a break.
> 
> It didn't even occur to me to pick HORIZON back up until I was contemplating what to write for Lana's birthday. I was halfway through writing a fic before it hit me that I knew what I needed to do, and with two months until then (thank every god in heaven that I planned ahead), I sat down to recreate HORIZON in the same way that I created Independence. 
> 
> All of HORIZON (minus the epilogue) was written before the first chapter was posted. I think I work best that way; there's no pressure to create anything or to change the story from my personal vision for it. When it's down on the page, I don't feel quite as lost. I'd learned my mistake from Mistaken Method too (no pun intended); I needed a vision, and I needed to execute it before I even contemplated posting. It also alleviated a lot of the fears that it would blow up to the same level of popularity as Independence and I'd be stuck in the same situation I was before. I'm just really not good with attention in general, so the fact that this hasn't hit that level is more than a relief.
> 
> HORIZON ended up being more emotional than Independence was, to be honest. Tokiya and I are very similar in temperament, but I share a lot of life experiences with Otoya, like being alone and knowing what it's like to succeed but not having a safety net in case of failure, as well as the imposter syndrome and the fear of anyone finding out anything. A lot of it was like looking back at myself with a microscope; there's a few chapters that I cried writing (and couldn't tell anyone about because then I'd have to tell someone what I was writing!). I really love and value Otoya as a character, and I hope that comes through in this.
> 
> It was also fun though! I got to revisit some of my favorite scenes (sometimes I can't believe I wrote some of them, because I actually ENJOY reading them, and that's crazy to me), and I got to do more teasing with Reiji. I've talked a few times about how he's the best wingman, and he did so much more than I could ever give him credit for in the narrative. I sort of hurtled blindly towards the climax in the HORIZON chapter, and by the time it was done, I was SO happy with it. Somehow, blind faith led me there, and I will always be grateful for whatever inspiration made this fic somewhat cohesive.
> 
> I'm out of room for this, but thank you all for reading, and I really do appreciate every one of your comments and kudos. I can only hope that what I wrote was as special to you as it was to me writing it.


End file.
